Minniepoos versus The Black Hole

minniepoos_2

We're still getting on wonderfully on the phone, and mostly great face-to-face too. I can feel we're getting closer than we have been for ages, but for now he's still spending the nights at hers.

I cooked him his favourite dinner on Friday - typical man, likes his roast chicken. She was cooking the next night, so I joked with OH that I hope she cooks spaghetti bolognese - as he absolutly hates it. And....she did! I was embarrassingly happy at this tiny irrelevant victory.

We're been talking it through, and getting to the bottom of what's been getting in the way of 'us'. Mainly it's money, as we've not really had much of a life for a few years now, but also it's the house. It's a doer-upper which we just can't afford to make a difference to. It's grief from losing loved ones, that we've never dealt with properly. It's having to sell a car and just have 1, so one of us is always 'trapped' by the other's work. It's all stuff we can work on though. We've been toying with the idea of bankruptcy - starting again from scratch, but I think the court will say we earn too much for that, but we're going (together) to the citizens advice on Tuesday, to lay it all out and see what they recommend. At this stage we're happy to do anything it takes to remove the pressure.

We've had the house valued by an estate agent, and it seems we'll have approximately £25,000 equity if we sell it now. So even if there's nothing else we can do, we'll get the house on the market and find somewhere to rent. That'll get the debt down to around £15,000ish (depending on fees etc) which will be much more manageable. Bit if there's a way of losing it forever, we'll take it.

We spent this afternoon clearing some stuff out of the house. We have collected a lot of clutter, so did the first (of many) dump runs. Apart from anything else, we need it clearer for the estate agents to take photos, but since this first lot has gone, the house seems a bit less oppressive.

I'm still not really sleeping. I get perhaps 3 hours per night, but am managing to stay in bed for most of the night, so my body is getting rest. I'm eating a bit more, but not a lot. Much less than my daughter. But I went on the Wii fit to weigh myself today, and I've lost 10 lbs, so it's not all doom and gloom.

OH says 'she' makes him happy at the moment, but last night he said he sat in her living room on his own until gone 2am, just thinking about it all. Not really the actions of a happy man?

One of my best friends in the whole world said something to me last night - "A drowning man will cling to anything". I think that's gonna get me through this.

minniepoos_2

So...he's left us and moved in with her. Says he still loves me but can't bear to keep hurting me by keeping me dangling. The counseller says there is still a strong chance he will come to his senses and come home, but for the sake of my sanity I think me and DD have to try to live as if he's never coming back.

I'm still not sleeping very well at all, and although I managed to eat some pasta tonight I feel bloated and sick.

Trying to get to grip with the practicalities of it. I want to get a debt management plan sorted, and offer the creditors token payments, but I need to submit my budget with my letters. I can't do a budget until I've sorted out the benefits I can now claim, and I cant claim benefits until I've sorted the tax credits, which I'd been putting off due to the whole losing my job then being self-employed for a bit earlier in the year. I'm going to town tomorrow to open a new current account for myself, and I've warned hubby to do the same asap. I don't really want him to lose his money when the bank we're with now realise we can't afford to pay back the overdraft as quick as they want. I've got him to open an account at the same bank as me, so when he transfers maintenance money to me it'll go through straight away.

I'm trying so hard to sort this side of it out. It's what I do - I was always the money sorter, and the quicker we get it done, the sooner we can relax a little. I just hope he doesn't think that by working hard to sort this stuff, that I don't want him anymore. Because, sad as I know it is, if he wanted to come back - I'd welcome him. But while he's having his fun - his escapism - I have to focus on getting things live-able for me and DD.

Now he's left the counseller will only see me, but she's referred him to a colleague. He says he wants to go, as he knows his head is messed up. But then again, he's said a lot of things, so only time will tell.

There's so much I have to do. Stupid things, like getting the council tax reduced, and applying for free school meals. The house should go on the market next week, so we still have lots of clearing out to do. He's not taken any of his things yet (just a few changes of clothes), so I guess that'll start over the weekend.

I went back to the doctors today, on the advice of the couseller, but he wouldn't increase my dose of anti-depressants as i've not been on them long enough to make a difference anyway. And he didn't want to prescribe sleeping tablets as most of them are habit forming, and he thinks that would be too much for me. I suppose he's right, but I need to find a way of not being so exhausted all the time. I've been exercising a bit too (doc said I should), so I've been walking the dog every day, and doing the bank run at work - which is a mile and a half round trip. The fresh air helps perk me up for a bit, but not long enough.

I'm gonna cancel the debt direct debits and start the small token payments as soon as I can. It's wierd as we have 4 credit cards, but the 2 biggest are in hubby's name, so on my budget plan I'll have to say I owe him money. Me & OH are gonna sit down and work out how to split the bills etc, probably Tuesday.

So much to do, and so little energy to do it with.

minniepoos_2

I've opened a new spending account and a new direct debit account for myself, and have sorted out the dreaded tax credits. They estimate I'll be getting in the region of £154 per week, which seems mad when I work full time, but when I sat down and thought about it, I am gonna have an awful lot to pay for on my own. I've updated the council tax too, so will get a new bill with 25% off soon. I've also changed the payment details on Quidco, so the payments will go into my new account. As I think of things to do I add them to my list, and it seems never-ending at the minute. If I can achieve a couple of things each day though, I'll get through it eventually.

I've booked my flights out to Spain & back, and I'm gonna have almost 2 weeks out there with DD and my folks. I don't want to go at all without OH, but I have to start living a bit. And DD needs me out there for a bit, otherwise she'd not see me for almost 6 weeks.

I'm also trying to arrange a long weekend 'oop north' to visit some really good friends. One of my closest friends lives there, and he's been so supporting - phoning me every other day, emailing me, and generally picking me up a bit. Be nice to see him (and my god kids). Trying to find a cheap way of getting there though is not easy. National Express coach is cheapest, but I can't sit on a bus for 10 1/2 hours. OH is a bad passenger, so I've really not driven any real distance for years. Which leaves the train. I've followed the MSE guide to getting the best price, but after paying for the flights I'm a bit strapped. My friend said he would buy me the tickets if I couldn't afford it, but I don't like to impose on his generosity too much, Plus his girlfriend is expecting a baby in about 6 weeks, so I'd worry that I was taking his money when they are gonna be needing it. I'll have to mull it over some more...

It's all so hard. My friends are being great, but as soon as DD is in bed I'm all alone. I'm forcing myself to eat as much as I can physically stomach as I know people are worried about me, but it's not much really. And sleep is still not good. I either get 2-3 hours if I'm lucky, or get a couple of hours more but have the most awful nightmares. Not sure which is worse.

My EOM figures aren't going to happen this month. Or next month probably. I just haven't got a column on my spreadsheet for 'spending on girlfriend'. I'm trying to be good with the spending (which is actually fairly easy what with not eating much), but I know OH is spending more than usual. He says he'd never leave me short, but we barely got through the months anyway, without this. We'll get the money sorted out soon though, which will ease the pressure a bit. And give him more to spend on her

He's trying to find cheap car for himself. Apparently she's going to lend him the money until he can sell stuff to pay her back. But we were going to sell stuff to pay my folks back. I know he needs something though, as he now lives a 25 minute drive away from work. And from me.

I've just read this back, and it's pretty depressing reading. If anyone is still with me I apologise. I'm hoping it will get better soon. As one of my colleagues told me last week - I hope I get my bounce back soon.

minniepoos_2

Right. I've updated the child benefit too, so that'll go into my new account from now on. OH has opened his new accounts now too, so we spent an hour this evening going through the direct debits and working out who is going to pay what.

Very stressful, but we sorted some stuff out. He is going to pay me £500 per month until the house is sold, which will cover half the bills and a teeny bit extra. He'll pay the CCs which are in his name, and I'll pay the ones in my name (which is kinda bizarre as his total £28,000 and mine is under £10,000, but it's the easiest way to split them, and it's not like I'm trying to get out of contributing.) Once the house is sold we'll have to sit down again and work out where we are.

He told me tonight that he can't see him coming back and living in our house again. To be honest though, if I could get out of it now, I would. Seems wierd to specify this house though, so maybe all is not lost? Not going to get my hopes up too high though.

And I realised today that the reason the plane tickets were cheaper on the day I booked, is because we're flying back on September 11th. Didn't realise! But what are the chances of something happening on the same day?!

Sun_Addict

Hi Minniepoos - glad to see you are getting things sorted out. Don't worry about your thread sounding depressing it's only natural in your circumstances; at least you've got the motivation to keep updating your diary; I suppose it's quite therapeutic to air your thoughts anonymously. All in all I think you're coping extremely well and I really hope things start picking up for you soon. You've just got to get through this bit and you'll be on your way up.

minniepoos_2

Thanks Sun Addict. I think it is kinda theraputic being able to let off steam here, and it enables me to channel my thoughts into something that almost makes sense, without me feeling like I'm boring my friends to death.

We had someone look at the house today, so will get the feedback on Monday, and someone else is going to make an appointment next week. Early days, but fingers crossed.

The mortgage, tv licence and something else I can't remember right now have all been direct debited this month, so I can contact them and update with my new bank details. I want to do them all now, ut have to wait for this months payments to go out first. My new PIN number and cheque books have arrived, but no cards yet, so I can't even register with the online banking to see if any tax credits have gone in yet. If I get to go to town while at work on Monday I'll try to pop into to Natwest and check.

My long weekend is looking a little more possible. OH is probably going to drive me, as he has to make a delivery for his work close to where I want to go. It'll mean a ridiculously early start, but will save a fortune on the train fare. I'll just have to pay to get home, which is almost do-able. It'll be good to have some uninterrupted time with him too. Might help him see that when nothing else gets in the way, we still have such a good time together.

I took DD to town today to try to buy her a new hat (school insists on all kids having one in summer), but can't seem to find one anywhere. Accidently bought her some new tops in the M&Co sale though. Really shouldn't be spending money, but I got 3 for £15, and she did need some stuff for her holiday.

It is going to be such a tight month, what with OH taxing his new car, spending money on 'her' and with me having a couple of days off last month when this all kicked off. Also had to pay for the energy efficiency rubbish thing they make you do when you sell your house, and a £60 fast-track fee so the solicitor will move quick if we accept an offer. But, hopefully the tax credits will appear soon....

OH should be taking DD out for the day tomorrow, and I have no idea what time he's coming, or when she'll be back. I really should have insisted he plan it a bit better, but not really thinking straight right now. I'll try to work on it for next time. At least DD gets some daddy time, even if 'she' is going to be there.

Next weekend, when hopefully I'm up north, 'she' is away at the British grand prix, so DD will definitely get some quality time with her dad. I know, I'm sounding all bitter. It's just he works such mental hours over the summer, but suddenly he can magic up time to spend with the girlfriend and to take out DD, when in previous years he has been flat out the whole time.

Anyway, deep breath, count to a million or so, and I'll get past it.

minniepoos_2

Well, I went into town today and popped into the bank - my tax credits have started and it looks like I've got 2 weeks worth today. Bit of a relief, as we didn't have enough to cover the last CC this month. Got my cards through today too, so have registered for online banking. Just have to wait for my activation code to come through the post. Then I can really start getting my finances sorted out.

I've moved the direct debit for the TV Licence today, and will do the one for the tax I'm paying for last year in the morning. Was going to do it after work, but they close at 5.

OH had his first counselling session by himself today. He phoned me, and said it went ok. He's got another one in 3 weeks. I was surprised he's waiting so long, but he said he had some stuff to work on, and wanted to make sure he had time do it all. Don't know what though.

Had a bit of a bad weekend. Didn't sleep at all on saturday night, then couldn't keep it together at all on Sunday. OH took DD out, and I just couldn't bring myself to go see anyone. Didn't want to bum them out, so I stayed home alone for the whole 6 hours. Took ages to pass, and when she came back she was so excited about all the fun they'd had. It's not fair - it should be me. I called my up north friend last night. Was so down, and had found out that OH isn't doing the delivery now, so I couldn't afford to go. We talked for ages, and the result is he's buying my tickets and I will pay him back when I can. Hate sponging off of him, but I really need to get away. If I have another weekend like the one just gone, I think I may well lose my mind. Looking forward to seeing them so much though, and looking forward to playing with my godkids.

I've told a few more people about OH going. I hate it. Every time I say it out loud it feels a little more real. And I don't want it to be real at all.

minniepoos_2

Not sure why, but got another weeks' tax credits today, so much more relieved about money. Plus, OH came over and we listed the car on ebay, £100 starting bid or £450 buy it now, and it was bought within 5 minutes (makes me wish we'd put a higher buy-it-now though!). The bloke should be picking it up with a wad of cash on Saturday, so we can definitely pay the last CC, OH can pay for the last half of his car (didn't realise, but 'she' only lent him half, he owed the bloke he bought it off the rest), and we can then split whatever is left. It means my folks have to wait for their money back, but they have said that under the present circumstances they are happy to wait.

Someone else should be viewing the house tomorrow - the third so far. Hopefully one of them will like it. I'm gonna try to save as much of my tax credits as I can so I haven't got to scrounge off people for the money I need in advance for our rental place. Annoying, because as soon as this place is sold we'll have enough money, but I need it before so I can get somewhere else.

OH spent the evening here tonight. He's gone now, but we talked loads. I'd like to think we made some progress, but I am a bit in denial. The fact that he's gone back to her now does kinda resonate a bit. I think the denial is getting me through for now. I'm just not ready to give up on him.

My new bank cards finally work, so I can access my money. I moved my tax DD over to my new account this morning, so that's one more thing off my list.

Gonna go to bed now. Hopefully to sleep without dreams or nightmares. Need some peaceful sleep - it's been over 3 weeks since I last slept a full night. I think I've had enough time to think to last me a lifetime.

minniepoos_2

Had one of those days when everything made me cry. I thought I was coping pretty well considering, but today there was no coping at all. Think I have to face up to the possibility of life without him. Don't want to in the slightest, but it seems more and more likely.

Horribly ironic - for years I've been wishing we had more money so we could afford to do more. Now it looks like I'll be ok financially, I'll be on my own.

My FIL popped round to see me today. He'd weeded my front yard for me. Unluckily for him he caught the full force of my emotions - I blubbed like a baby He offered anything he could think of - babysitting, lifts anywhere, any jobs need doing - pretty much anything. He wouldn't go until he had persuaded me to take £20 off of him, to buy my friends a drink with this weekend. So nice of him, which in my stupidly emotional state, just made me cry more.

It'll be a few days until my next update, as I'm going tomorrow, but hopefuly the time away from here will perk me up, so this won't be so depressing to read.

minniepoos_2

I'm back from my weekend away, and I really enjoyed it. They spoiled me, and I needed it.

Had a very tense time with OH since I've been back. He gets annoyed that I'm emotional, then ends up shouting at me, which just makes me more emotional. Then he ends with a "I can't talk to you when you're like this" exit speech. And then texts me stuff like "if you're going to be like this I don't think we can remain friends", or "I'm not going to see you if you're going to be like this". Seriously? Does he think I wouldn't be hurt by all he's done? That I can just give him a pat on the back and send him away to her with a smile on my face?!

He is the kindest most caring man I have ever known, and he's always been like this (I've known him 22 years), but right now he's like a stranger. A stranger that I still want. Still dream about.

I just don't know what is going on. We're going to spend some time on Wednesday evening talking it through. Just us two, away from the house and without DD so we can say what we like without worrying that she's trying to listen. I don't know if it'll do any good. He keeps telling me that it's not easy for him either, so maybe he'll tell me why. Because I haven't got a clue how he can believe that he's suffering the same as me.

And at the same time he tells me that he's totally in love with 'her' and wants to be with her forever.

But yet he keeps texting me.....