Minniepoos versus The Black Hole

minniepoos_2

The bank is looking a bit better today - OH got paid £46 from his 2nd job (which has now finished), and I've been paid a total of £82.59 from a couple of different MS companies. Quite a relief to see the balance going up for a change

Amazon have made a payment of £1.48 to us today too - it all adds up.

I'm going to spend a lot of tomorrow making stuff to eat while we're away at the tournament on Sunday. That reminds me - I have to OH to get the cool box out of the loft tinight, so I can give it a clean.

The cat seems a little better, which is a massive relief. His appetite is back and he looks more symetrical (what a wierd thing to say :rotfl:)

I don't know how much money we have until the end of the month - I'll try to update when I'm at home tonight. I really must learn to not panic about it all so much

minniepoos_2

Just a quick update to say we have £334 ish to last us until the end of the month. That's a good figure to have, with only 15 days left.

minniepoos_2

Things are not at all good in the minniepoos household. I've been trying (but failing badly) to pick myself up and deal with my depression myself instead of admitting I need help. I feel such a failure that I can't deal with it myself. Looking at it all now, I can see that my black moods, panics and now paranoia have been increasing rapidly. I've been pushing my wonderful husband away and now he feels like I don't want him around. I've been doing some thinking today, and I need to sort myself out. Sometime in the last 6 months I've gone from being full of energy and ready to take on anything, to not liking a single thing about myself and doubting the one I love the most. I just hope it's not too late to save the wonderful marriage we had - I think he thinks it is. I'm going to admit defeat and make a doc appointment on Monday, and hopefully start to claw myself back from this pathetic state I've found myself in.

Sorry to anyone who's reading, I know this isn't focused on debt busting, but I'm still holding on desperately to that stupid thing called pride which won't let me unload this onto anybody. And I feel that if I can't vent a little I'll go completely mad.

I can't believe it's come to this. Can't believe I really thought I could do it on my own. Can't believe I might have destroyed the only thing that makes me want to get out of bed in the mornings

minniepoos_2

"doubting the one I love the most". Turns out he's been having an affair. He told me last night. Said he can't keep lying to me. He said he ended it with her but how do I know? It was exactly the person I was being paranoid about, and I actually believed him when he'd said it was all in my mind and there was nothing going on. I can't believe he found a new best friend.

I feel empty and scared. Can I ever trust him again? Can he forget his 'feelings' for her? Can he honestly give up his new close friend?

He's turned the last 12 years of marriage into a sad cliche. It's all broken. I was so worried about this person, but I let him persuade me. I believed every single damn lie he fed me. There are people that look and people that try, and he was just a looker. He told me that last week. How could I believe it all? I guess because I love him. But can I believe him now? How do I know he's not on the phone to her right this minute?

And she knows me. And our daughter. She knows our family yet still had no worries about breaking us. Everywhere my husband goes, she's a part of (except work). To cut her out completely would mean sacrifices for him and DD. But can we survive if she's not cut out completely?

'Us' was the one thing I thought I could rely on. Is it my fault? Did I get complacent? We've been best friends for 22 years. And now we're not.

I just don't know what to do now. He says he thinks he should stay with a friend for a few days. He says he doesn't mean her. But then DD would wonder what was going on - if we can get through this, why make her sad? If he's not here, I'm just going to worry more.

I just don't know what to do. I've never felt so alone.

mz_grim

Hey minnie, I dont think that there is much I can say thats going to make you feel any better but I can be here to give you virtual hugs ((((hugs)))).

Sun_Addict

Oh Minniepoos - so sorry to hear what's happened. I think it's time to get the boxing gloves on and fight to save your marriage. I know if I was in your situation I would be absolutely livid. I would want to thump the pair of them. Is there a friend or family member you can turn to so you're not going through this alone? I really hope things take a turn for the better very soon.

minniepoos_2

Thanks guys. I'm trying to fight for us but it seems he's not quite so committed. Last night he promised that today he wouldn't text or phone her, and wouldn't delete anything from his phone. We met up this afternoon and he's done all 3. Last night he said he had finished it. Today he phoned her to see if he can sleep on her sofa tonight.

We talked long and painfully about it. He says he didn't think I still had feelings for him. Broke my heart to hear. I love him so much. But he says he has feelings for her. I persuaded him to keep it neutral and sleep at a mates tonight instead. But he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't speak to her.

He says he's sorry, but won't stop. How do I fight for us when he's not?

We had to tell DD as he's gone now for a couple of days. It hurt so much. She cried lots, then he left for work. So I have to comfort her without showing how it's tearing me apart. I'm not strong enough for this.

I've got a friend coming over later tonight to I can talk to someone. I wish he was here instead.

Sun_Addict

Minniepoos - I can't think of anything to say to make you feel better but I really hope things turn out how you want them to. Your post brought a lump to my throat; you sound so sad. Your DD will keep you going you need to be strong for her. I know when my mum was going through the same thing with my dad she never let her feelings show to me - not sure it was a good thing really as I just thought she wasn't that bothered about him leaving. I was 14 at the time so old enough to know the score. Will keep coming back here to see how you're getting on. My thoughts are with you.

Walking2Freedom

:grouphug:

Hi Minniepoos, really feel for you. Hope he comes to his senses and remembers his "for better or worse" vow, and begins working for you both.

You sound really down, I hope the doctor was able to help. Wishing you an upturn in fortunes soon.

minniepoos_2

We've started going to Relate counselling sessions. Had one on Wednesday, and it was good. Nice to talk it through in a calm and rational way. She thinks this 'thing' will run it's course, and if we work at making each other happy and talking about everything, there'll come a time when he won't need her. Great theory, but I've had to watch him leave the last three nights after DD is in bed, and it kills me.

We have had some really great conversations on the phone - really felt close to him. He took DD and I out this evening, and had promised me yesterday, that the whole night was mine. I had plans, nothing extreme, just a bottle of beer each, some daft card games (just a bit of fun) and a night of sleep. But he changed his mind and decided to go back to her instead. I tried so hard to keep a smile on my face while we were out, but I was so looking forward to having him here, and once I knew he was going I could feel it hanging over me.

The house feels small and dark without him. And our bed feels soooo big.

I'm on anti-depressants now, so hope they start working soon. The doc said they would in 2-4 weeks. What good is that when I feel so low now?

I can't sleep and I haven't eaten barely anything since Sunday. Today I managed 4 rich tea biscuits and a banana, then when OH took us out we went to Macdonalds, but I only managed 3 bites of the chicken burger and a couple of fries. That's loads compared to the rest of the week. Yesterday I had a banana and 3 fork-fulls of couscous, but before that I'd eaten nothing since Sunday evening. The thought of eating just makes me feel so sick. I am drinking lots of water, but I know I need more food than this.

I'm so tired, and scared that he's gone for good. Scared that by listening to the Relate lady I've made it so easy for him to leave. I hope it doesn't backfire. I need him