A Payment a Day -Part Seven!

never-in-doubt

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying b****rd! You've been playing golf!' :rotfl: :rotfl:





{i'll have to try that one myself hahahahaha} :eek:

clearing_out_my_pockets

Would be better if OH wasn't a golfer!!!

angelicmary85

never-in-doubt wrote: »

"He was looking through the window at us."

Quality! :rotfl:

angelicmary85

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

A little better... Was going to say you'll have to try harder but don't want to encourage you too much!

If you won't encourage him then I will...

Go Niddy, Go Niddy!

never-in-doubt

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in mummys thing (:eek:). That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.” :rotfl:

never-in-doubt

Male Bashing

Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly disabled or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.

angelicmary85

never-in-doubt wrote: »

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

I once (stupidly!) embarked on a 12hr car journey with OH. When we got to the city we were going to, we couldn't find the street so I asked him to pull over at an open petrol station because I really needed the little ladies room and I'd ask inside where the street was....

He drove around for nearly 2hrs because he said he could find it... I very nearly !!!!!! myself and was sore the whole of the next day because I held on for so long!

ETA - I forgot to post my pad!! £12.00 from me today please Keza!

never-in-doubt

I bought 2 henry's today so thats £40 spent - plus my recently delivered (and devoured) chippy, add a fiver lol

hang on, i'm not in this so scrap the above - it was really a shameless bump

clearing_out_my_pockets

never-in-doubt wrote: »

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

OH liked that one

Back on subject, I added up my change wrong - extra 10p. That sums up my day!

gilligansyle

Got to share this.

DS has just rung from work.

Him "Pancakes"
Me "what about them"
Him "why didn't I get any"
Me "because you're in work"
Him "OK fair point"

So why did he ring? did he expect me to run down there with some for him?