little_h's big dreams :)

burntfingers_2

I am thinking about you at this sad time....I hope that everything went as well as could be.

hugs

bf xx

LittleBoots

Thinking of you today x

Shoe_Gal

LittleBoots wrote: »

Thinking of you today x

Me too, take care :A

little_h_2

Afternoon all thank you for your good wishes for yesterday. This is a bit long!

It was a beautiful day and a lovely setting for the service. A very select bunch and a very simple ceremony, but a nice send off which she would have approved of. Dad said a few words at the start and then got upset so sat down and I played.

Granny had asked for a few words and then some music for people to sit and think/contemplate/remember, so that's exactly what we did. I played fine, lost the plot a bit after the hard bit in the very last piece and my fingers were shaking really badly towards the end but kept it together.

I had played What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong (which is lovely on the harp) just before the last piece, and Dad asked me to play it again while the curtains closed - problem was, I was so geared up to finishing with the Beethoven, I was utterly spent afterwards and made a real fluff of poor old Louis! But no-one minded and it was all fine.

Afterwards we went to a lovely pub nearby with a friend of my mum's and a couple of the Birmingham side of the H clan. I hadn't seen them since I was in my teens and it was so lovely to sit together just yakking on and sharing silly family stories. I learnt a lot about my family, and myself too.

There was a big rift between my dad and his parents, and his parents and my mum, so historically we havent had a lot to do with that side of the family, although they have always welcomed us. There are thousands of them, it's a massive family, but one whcih I never really knew. But sitting/chatting/laughing yesterday, I would like to learn more and meet up with them more regularly. There is so much sadness there for my dad, but all I would have to do would be to say I am Dad_H's daughter, Grandad_H's granddaughter etc, and the welcome would be very warm.

I felt very sad last night after I got home, very lonely, like I had had a lovely big family there all the way along and had just never known. (am getting a few tears on now!) It really made me think about who I am and where I come from, I had always wanted to be part of a big family and found it hard when I split from my ex as his family was also big and very close.

There are lots of things I knew about myself, but had no idea where they came from. E.g., I love family gatherings, love cooking/baking for people and looking after them and having a proper party. This isn't shared with either of my parents, but comes from the female side of my Dad's family, and I never knew til yesterday. My dad's dad was one of 3 boys, and my Dad's cousin yesterday said, it's the women who keep things together, which makes sense.

It did make me want a family of my own very badly and I had never really felt like that before. Not a specific desire to have children of my own if that makes sense, but just to have a warm house where people are welcome and parties/gatherings are regular.

Dad's family are a right bunch of daredevils too which was very interesting lots of horseriders, motorcyclists and even a couple of bareknuckle fighters I knew about the bikes but not the horses, and my dad's other cousin had a bad accident in 2007 as a result from a bad kick from a horse. So many stories to share, and I really want to preserve them all and be able to pass them on before they are lost.

So I am thinking of doing a little digging, not necessarily as a family tree, but just for myself and anyone else who is interested. I think I am feeling a sense of needing to belong.

Rewinding a bit, the weekend was very peaceful.

Friday night I dropped my motorbike! just keeled over outside work in the car park. I was very stressed, very tired and hadn't eaten and was worrying about getting home for the dog. I had some help to pick the bike up, toddled off on my merry way and had a very hard ride home beating myself up about what was just a silly slip that could happen to anyone, 6 foot burly blokes as well as delicate snippets like me :rotfl:

So I ended up taking it all very steady over the weekend. I recognised the ache of tiredness behind my eyes and in my body, and decided that with the funeral, and needing to stay calm for that, I would rest up.

So took the bike for his MOT on Saturday, got the clutch lever bent back into shape by the lovely mechanic, and then did the tip with ex hubs and just flaked out and watched the Grand National on Saturday. So sad to see them racing past one of the poor horses that had not made it but I know these things happen

Lesson was cancelled on Sunday morning so went shopping with Mum. I did buy a couple of essential t-shirts on the cc but they can come out of next month's spends no problem.

Mr P - has been in touch. sent me a lovely message yesterday morning which was nice as I assumed he would forget. We have discussed another date instead of the one he couldn't do, so will wait and see. The other possibility (different chap, oh deary me this sounds dreadful doesn't it!) - the bike ride and chat, well I postponed that as I was too tense about the funeral and didn't want to be fretting about other stuff. This was the right thing to do.

I really do like Mr P, and have decided I can wait a little longer. Rushing in the past has cost me someone very special (even though it probably ultimately wasn't meant to be) and really, although I have started to think about the quest for a new Mr_H, I am probably not ready.

I have set a deadline of my birthday which is in September, by which time I will be 33, and if nothing is doing on the man front by then, be it Mr P or anyone else, then I will make some decisions as to how to proceed. I don't just want to be with just anyone, but if I am to have choices on the children front in a few years time, I will need to give it some serious thought before too much longer

Will catch up with diaries later
x

Flee_2

Sounds like you had a stressful time. Hope today is a bit better for you.

Wordsmith

Hello, little_h. It's bound to have been an emotional time for you, and then with "new" members of your family to meet it will have been very draining. Will you be able to take these new relationships further do you think? Keep in touch with your new-found family? It could be very exciting, if a bit scary. It sounds like you might have lots in common with some of them. I'm sure your playing at the funeral was beautiful and must have been lovely for your extended family to hear.

My sister recently finished a "heritage book" of our little family. She got everyone (I say everyone, but I, much to her disappointment, declined to take part) to write about their lives and send her photos (old and new), and she made a chapter for everyone. We all learnt stuff we didn't know (well, nobody learnt anything new about me, of course, but I figured that was safest!). She then printed a copy for all those that had contributed. It took her a while, but she enjoyed doing it and the family was very appreciative.

Don't give another thought to dropping your bike. I know several beefy, burly bikers who have dropped theirs and needed help picking it up.

As for Mr P, well, he got in touch to send you a message of support, and he wants another date. All good! Only time will tell how this is going to develop, of course, but hopefully it will be fun finding out. And at 32 you still have plenty of time to find Mr Daddy-To-Be. Enjoy the search!

You are at quite a cross-roads in lots of ways, but you seem to be taking it in your stride and taking the time to learn lots about yourself. You really are a lovely, thoughtful, person. Don't ever lose sight of that and don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

LittleBoots

Your family situation is similar to mine I think. My immediate family are not very close. Although I am close to my parents we are all separated and don't do much together. My parents are divorced so I've not had much in the way of family outings. An ex of mine had a massive family and he was close to loads of them. It made me fefl like I'd missed out on a lot, having cousins to grow up with, aunties to turn to, uncles to laugh at. Ok I know it's not all like that but I felt his life was enriched by having all those people around him. On the flipside I guess I'm a very independent person, have travelled the world on my own, can hang wallpaper (badly) and fix taps. I am very grateful to have my family but there is a but of sadness that there are people out there closely related to me who I know nothing about.

This post probably doesn't make any sense. I'm at work just now on tea break, usually avoid posting etc at this time as I tend to write nonsense.

Good news on Mr P

burntfingers_2

Hi

I am glad that the service went well for you I am sure that your Gran would have been watching over you and appreciated the time and effort of you playing the harp.

Funerals are times of mixed emotions as like yours people tend to meet up with family that they haven't seen in such a long time, often through no fault on one person or another. We are all so very busy with the tasks of everyday life that time passes by and the saying of only meeting at weddings and funerals is banded about....on reflection of the person that has just passed the tears turn into laughter and it turns from something sad to something that turns into something so very special....you re-connect with family members and listen to them reminscing about your Gran and sit and smile at your own recollections.

You have opened doors which previously had been closed. It is now your decision as to whether you want to change the future and get everyone together for a more joyous occassion in the future, knowing that you have Uncles/Aunties/Cousins that you knew little about has turned into something quite positive for you.

Sorry to hear about you dropping the bike. I am not surprised though at how tired you must have been feeling as you have done so much in such a short space of time.

Good news with Mr P. It is hard to try and play it cool and to wait and see what happens but sometimes it works out for the best. He obviously is keen to see you again so here's to watching this space to see what happens next !! :T

As for the offer of a cuppa and a catch up. Still arrange time for it, two mates having a catch up - he could be a good sounding board and good to have someone that you can have a blat with when the suns shining .

Hope your enjoying your day so far

hugs bf xx

little_h_2

Evening all feels like ages since I last posted but in reality it was only a couple of days.

Wordsmith thank you for the idea of the Heritage Book - I love this! Although I have to think about the fact that as you say, not everyone would want to contribute, and as a relative newbie to the family_H, I will need to get to know people first before they start spilling their guts!

I have dropped plenty of bikes over the years, but this one really smarted - just the timing more than anything else. But I rode the bike back from the bike shop after the MOT and made friends again so no real harm done, just a couple of scuffs on the bike and a bruise on me

I have had a busy week on the social front which has been unexpected and lovely.

Cherisong posted a quote on the matrix which was:

To Change One's Life:
1. Start Immediately
2. Be Flamboyant
3. No Exceptions

This has really given me food for thought (again - you know me, I love to have a good think!). I went to a conference in London on Thursday for work and decided to wear a dress I bought last summer but had never worn before, and was rather on the Flamboyant side - very different amongst all the dark suits!.

I also Started Immediately - have had a horrendous week with ex fiance not paying his phone bill money over in time. His granddad died first thing on Monday morning and I had reminded him last week that the money was due. It was an awful time for him, and I felt dreadful texting him about the money, but I really needed it, and then started to think, I shouldn't be the one stressing about it while I am also dealing with the death of my granny and attending the funeral. So I kept politely firmly on at him and the money got paid. The bank wouldn't have been so understanding.

So I have decided no more Ms Nice Girl. I will stand up for myself when required.

I was shattered on Tuesday after work but found myself really wanting to go to the bike night at the pub when I got in - prior to this I had been planning a fester night (to quote LittleBoots or Souk, can't remember who!). but I went out and had a great night. Swapped numbers with another girl who goes up to another bike night not far away from me (although devilishly close to the best Chinese for miles!) so plan to go up there with her next week. She isn't far off my mum's age but she is lovely.

Wednesday night was cinema society night. The original film couldn't be shown so another was substituted from later in the year. It was an excellent film - Fish Tank - set on an Essex council estate (so pretty close to home, although it was South Essex/London and I am North Essex/Suffolk!). It was beautifully shot and directed and everything, but my goodness me it was depressing and pretty devoid of hope. So, so sad and bleak. Mr P suggested cinema club wasn't the best strategy for happiness given I came home sniffling again!

But there was some tasty male flesh in the film which was nice, although left me somewhat wanting *blush* as it has been a while now!

Work conference was interesting yesterday, plenty of food for thought. I made an effort with what I wore and felt confident. I took the plunge and texted one of my friends to meet up in the evening. We had a great natter over early dinner. I also had the opportunity of a spot of window shopping in Mayfair.

So I have seen another Alexander McQueen wedding dress in the window of the shop on Bond Street took a photo and tried not to drool on the pavement! :rotfl: I am feeling for a SATC "I'm getting married to myself" type event. I can maybe plan another birthday party as my 30th was a roaring success although really, while I would love to wear the McQueen frock, I just can't stretch! haha! Nice to dream though, and I saw lots of beautiful things that granny would have really appreciated.

Today I got a bargain (well I hope it will look nice when it arrives) - I entered a draw for a £2 sale ticket for The Outnet's 2nd birthday sale where everything is £2. I missed some of the really fab stuff, but found a very classic black satin Halston dress in size teeny, so that should arrive on Monday. £700 frock for £2 and free shipping, I bloody hope it looks good!

I have a wedding tomorrow, and am sinking GnTs and watching Paul O'Grady. Won't last much longer but am planning a nice relaxing time tomorrow morning before i leave.

Sunday I will catch up on some bathroom demolition and might drag my Dad out in the afternoon.

Hope everyone is well and that you all have a lovely weekend.

PS Have had a bad week for missing the ex fiance. Want to shake him and kick him for messing me about over the money but still think about him lots. Ah well At least now I am tempering that with all the other bad stuff!

LittleBoots

Just a wee quickie as on my iPhone, looooove the steps to change ones life maybe it really is that simple!!
I didn't realise you were is Essex, I went to uni in Chelmsford and think it's the best place in the world (and I've been around...a bit).
So far I have learned that Abu Dhabi is the 26th most expensive place on the world, I doubt it'll come up in my interview!!