I've been such an idiot - someone slap me!

verysillyguy06

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Some men just like to flirt, it's unclear from the OP whether she thinks he has actually done anything physical with the women, but to me, taking women home from a nightclub isn't flirting.......... but could be done with good intentions in mind, helping a woman etc.
Just for one second remember that men are supposed to act like gentlemen all the time and escort a single woman home.

I like to flirt, but my OH doesn't really mind and it's her I will always go home with, or go home to. we have total trust.

It sounds like this relationship doesn't, it also sounds like a bit of a mismatch tbh, he likes to flirt, she hates it. I find it difficult to see it working. It also sounds like he's lying and that's probably the worst thing.

:T:T:T:T:T

A very true post, men on the whole do say more'meaningless' things with meaning or is that the other way around? especially on all these new medias, mobile, facebook, msn, mse....and to get 'carried' away is sooo easy, sadly. All these applications and tv make it appear that it is ' normal' and only when you have hurt someone badly, you may realise it.:cool::cool:

However, if he now continues or does not change that is the sign to run:cool:

Lotus-eater

Running_Horse wrote: »

We are simple enough creatures to control when you learn how,

Is that males or females?

I suspect both are easy to control when you learn how. I have to say I learnt at an early stage how to control women and had a bit of a ball as a younger man :o
Sorry ladies, it does mean I know what I am talking about.

Errata

oh dear, what a charmer. I'm not offering you a slap but would suggest it sounds like he's a bloke that gets off on the chase but isn't interested in the capture. That might never change and this particular Peter Pan will continue to fly around in his own emotion free world until he draws his pension.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Thanks for the comments - they are appreciated so much at the moment. I consider myself well & truly slapped :rotfl:

I shall be getting on with my life, & hope that 2010 is a better year as 2009 has sucked! I know I can, it's just so darn hard & I really thought I'd found "the one" :rolleyes:

It's left me doubting my ability to judge (not really the right word but can't think of another) peoples' characters. My ex-husband & I split 4 years ago & at the time he swore blind there had never been anyone else, he just didn't want to do the family thing & wanted to spend what free time he had doing his own stuff. We split as amicably as you can when little ones are involved, & so far things have worked out well with practicalities & I've been much happier on my own. He still leaves the kids with his girlfriend while he goes out to play - the kids will see him for what he is as they grow up :rolleyes:

But it recently came to light (just before the texts) that he had indeed been unfaithful at least twice (& probably there is a 3rd) during our marriage. I know this as one of the girls in question apologised to me for sleeping with him while they were away together (forces). It went on for a few weeks, then they both got posted back home to their respective spouses. I was heavily pregnant with our 2nd at this time.

Its so far removed that it doesn't actually hurt me now - I'm just left with the bitter "So what else did you lie about?" feeling, & feeling I'm a very poor judge of character because I trusted him & believed him.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Some men just like to flirt, it's unclear from the OP whether she thinks he has actually done anything physical with the women, but to me, taking women home from a nightclub isn't flirting.......... but could be done with good intentions in mind, helping a woman etc.
Just for one second remember that men are supposed to act like gentlemen all the time and escort a single woman home.

I like to flirt, but my OH doesn't really mind and it's her I will always go home with, or go home to. we have total trust.

It sounds like this relationship doesn't, it also sounds like a bit of a mismatch tbh, he likes to flirt, she hates it. I find it difficult to see it working. It also sounds like he's lying and that's probably the worst thing.

Lotus-eater - you are so right about the lying being the worst thing. I don't mind flirting at all (wish I could remember how to do it ). What is all falling into place is how far this flirting has gone (surely for a girl to invite a guy in for "the night" after clubbing she must have been under the impression that he'd be up for it!). I could almost believe that he hasn't actually done the deed with any of them over the years, & this is "just" about him having his ego stroked. It would be easier for me to deal with (I think) if I knew for sure that he had been unfaithful - he'd be gone!

What I didn't post earlier is how he rarely wants to go out with me - in 3 years we've been out to 5 pubs, all of which have been quiet, country pubs. I thought it was romantic but now I remember how we always had to sit in the darkest corner & how his eyes tracked everyone when they went in/out. I believed him when he said it was because he'd had a few fights while doing bar work in clubs & he was worried in case 1 of those guys came in. Now I think he was worried about being caught out or just didn't want to be seen with me. He hasn't denied this either, just played the "I don't want to talk about it" card.

I know I'll get over this (after all, he is only a man ) but I also know I'll feel carp on NYE as I spend it alone (kids staying with their Dad). Please keep the comments coming so that I can read this thread again & not wobble! Thanks everyone!

kizzykizzywizzy

Sorry he's turned out to be such a loser - I know what you mean about the EX, I trusted mine, then he cheated, you then wonder what else has happened, was it the 1st time etc. Thing is I don't actually care anymore lol
Hope you find happiness in 2010 with or without someone

Lotus-eater

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

I know I'll get over this (after all, he is only a man ) but I also know I'll feel carp on NYE as I spend it alone (kids staying with their Dad). Please keep the comments coming so that I can read this thread again & not wobble! Thanks everyone!

Can you find someone to go out with on NYE? It will make you feel much better. Or find a party to go to, if you can manage to go by yourself, you will find out that you will find someone to talk to there and have a good time.

MissMotivation

Hun, ive been where you are now and know how hard it is. At the time all that kept going through my head was the saying 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' and I knew that he could only keep on hurting me if I let him. Luckily for me it's now 18 months since I cut the weasel out of my life. I'm still single but I'm so much happier now.

Could you not go out on NYE to distract yourself? As others have said, New Year, New Start.

duchy

Personally I think NYE is over-rated. Loads of people sooooo determined to have fun -and then the cracks show up and they end up fighting or in tears. It's all so forced.

I too was with a man who was so damn insecure that he needed to flirt with anything that had a pulse. Yes he cheated -but I realised it had nothing to do with me as he had a history of it and he simply couldn't stop himself. It was a relief to walk away and with hindsight I feel sorry for him as he told so many lies to so many people that he never could truely relax with anyone. I also got the "Oh can't go to this pub or that pub " line-Nothing to do with anything except not getting caught out.

Don't be hard on yourself for not judging his personality correctly. It simply means you are an honest person and expect the same of others in relationships. Wouldn't you rather be like that than constantly distrustful really ?

Here's to 2010 and a happier and honest (and wobble free) future

Morglin

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

Hi All

I feel the need to rant & also to remind myself not to be so trusting again :mad: and yes, it does involve yet another f e c k less partner (men may want to look away now).

I've had a miserable couple of weeks after finding out that my partner of 3 years has been indulging in flirty texts with a few women over several months. Long story short - I overheard a comment by chance that he was seeing someone else but decided it must be wrong as he'd never given me any reason not to trust him, & we have a great relationship :rolleyes: A few days later I moved a pile of papers & his mobile drops to the tile floor- when I pick it up the screen shows the same girls name I overheard - it's his inbox & there are lots of texts from her. Dilemma - do I read them?

Damn right I do. And I'm glad as I now know what he's been up to. I've had many chances to snoop before & I never have as I thought I had nothing to worry about. How wrong was I! It turns out he's been flirting with this (married) girl for months (he's a sports coach) along wth another few girls. He's also denied having a girlfriend too. Hes also admitted to taking 2 girls home from nightclubs (he did bar work when we first met).

He swears blind that he hasn'tactually done anything (apart from the lying & betraying my trust :rolleyes:) with all these girls. Apparantly it's like an addiction - he likes to know that he could if he wanted to. But he'd never be unfaithful to me - don't I know that? Oddly enough, I'm struggling with that point! He's very angry & embarassed that he'sbeen caught out - it goes without saying that he's also sorry for upsetting me. He went without saying it until I pointed it out.

He'd even stopped doing so much texting in the last month as he "thought something was up with me & didn't want to hurt my fellings". Bless.

I've asked to see the texts as if they are as innocent as he says, then there shouln't be a problem. The sim card appears to be broken so I can't.

A miserable Xmas - he came round to see my children (8 & 5 who adore him) & ended up staying the night, & against my better judgement I said I'd give him another chance.

He should have come to my house earlier tonight - after 2 hours I rang him on the non -working mobile tonight (witholding my number) & he said he was just leaving as he'd been busy. Mobile seems fine to me! I'm disgusted with myself but I lost it - told him he had big balls to hack me off so early into his second chance. I told him to ring me when he felt he could devote some time to me - but I'm not holding my breath.

3 glasses of red later I'm going from anger (how dare he treat me like this) to dispair. I feel he's made it clear that he isn't really that bothered, & I've just boosted his ego again by showing him how much I care.

Slap me someone!

He's taking the p*** - forget him and go out and have some fun.;)

Don't let him know you are bothered, as you are just feeding his ego.

Lin

JustKeepSwimming_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Can you find someone to go out with on NYE? It will make you feel much better. Or find a party to go to, if you can manage to go by yourself, you will find out that you will find someone to talk to there and have a good time.

Without wanting sound even more pathetic - I don't know anyone who is having a party! One of the many joys of being married to someone in the forces is that you get moved every 2 years, so by the time you've made friends either you are moving or they are! My closest real friends are in Australia (left last year), USA (2 year psting) & Liverpool (6 hours drive).

I've been in this town now for 9 years (ex-husband lived away for 2 of his postings & now I know why!) but I've only made 2 good friends in all that time, both of whom are abroard with families until Jan 3rd. The other "friends" have all fallen into the "we've invited your ex-husband & his girlfriend so we didn't invite you in case you felt awkward" camp. No real loss, I know, & if I happen to bump into them they are civil, but I'm never included anymore, even to things that my ex isn't invited to.

I've always struggled to make friends as I'm shy & don't have much confidence in social situations - Im 40 now (boy, wasn't 2009 a great year :rolleyes:) so I doubt I'll change much now! Normally I'd agree with the advice of going out & trying to have a laugh, but I don't feel up to paying a fortune to go into our local club (this is MSE after all) & going on my own. My charming partner will also be out on the (small) town & I think seeing him will just finish me off!

Unless anyone has any bright ideas I shall stay in with season 5 of Desperate Houswives, some decent wine & food that I can nuke!

Thanks all :beer: