Another idiot another new username

idiotgirl

So, I'm psting under a new user name cause I have mates on here and I don't want them to know. I'm rubbish at asking for help.


But I'm at my last straw. Its been a sucky year, people I love have died, people I care about are suffering, and I feel like I'm losing control.

I can't talk to my mates, never have been able to, not their fault, I just can never manage "help me I'm drowning".

I'm so lonely, I've not had a proper relationship in years, last one I had he made it clear I wasn'tr worth the effort of catching a train to see me, even though I had spent out hundred on seeing him. and everyone else I've pushed away.

But now I realise I'm in love with one of the guys I've pushed away, but he's happy in a relationship, and has been for a while even though had many flirtatious texts before I found out. and now I've spent a night with a guy I've been friends with for years I've developed feelings for and now he's ignoring me. or maybe it my paranoia.
Do I take the leap and tell the guy I love? Or tell the new guy we should give it a try? Or ditch the idea altogether and spend another decade alone?

I've brought it all on myself, spent to long pushing people away but don't know how to make it stop.

I just wanna vent really, not much anyone can really say other that you're messed up get over it. But easier said than done.

Blackpool_Saver

I am sure you are one of many luv, I can relate to a lot of what you say to be honest, but I have trust issues.

Blackpool_Saver

I see you are still online, I thought you would have had more replies by now, I would go for a fresh start don't go backwards ......

idiotgirl

I'm the one I don't trust.

I hate the thought of suicide, I think its selfish, but its getting to that stage where it feels like my only option.

Its not just the lonliness, just thinking avout me makes my skin crawl, I hate everything about me. The way I am, the way I look, (do u ever look in a mirror and think you don't look human?) and especially the way I think. I hate my temper, the way I react, everything. I self harm but trying to recover. I've tried bulemia but my ex housemate was getting to close to finding out. I just don't know how to get any help. Surely I'm just being selfish? My problems are no worse than anyone elses so why do I react like this?

Blackpool_Saver

I think you have said enough in open forum, if you want to talk more send me a PM.

Blackpool_Saver

not happy that you have gone offline, hope you are ok...pm me, we can talk about it all.......ok

gh05

Rebuild yourself before you get involved with others. otherwise you'll be walked all over.

Oh, and love is nothing when you don't really know those people

globalds

bumped..
Just in case any one can help

Morglin

I think you need to raise your self esteem because if you don't value yourself, no one else will!

Perhaps some counselling might help?

I beleive your GP can refer you, or, if you'd prefer, you can find one yourself.

Refer to this site first, though, as they list the qualified counsellors, and give advice how to find a good one:

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

Good luck.

Lin

quietheart

idiotgirl wrote: »

I'm the one I don't trust.

I hate the thought of suicide, I think its selfish, but its getting to that stage where it feels like my only option.

Its not just the lonliness, just thinking avout me makes my skin crawl, I hate everything about me. The way I am, the way I look, (do u ever look in a mirror and think you don't look human?) and especially the way I think. I hate my temper, the way I react, everything. I self harm but trying to recover. I've tried bulemia but my ex housemate was getting to close to finding out. I just don't know how to get any help. Surely I'm just being selfish? My problems are no worse than anyone elses so why do I react like this?

Please go to your GP and tell him/her that you feel this way. You've come to a time in your life where things have gone wrong and it's scary, it's totally understandable that you feel scared and alone but there is help out there.
You shouldn't get involved with someone already in a relationship, i'm sure you know that. You probably shouldn't get involved with anyone right now. You need to get help for the way you feel about yourself first before getting involved with someone else, i just think it would be too much to take on.
And to your question, why do you feel like this? Well i'm damn sure you don't want to feel so bad, it's not a choice it's just what is happening to you, maybe your negative thought processes have been trained that way over a long period. I just know you can get help to change that, CBT is a start. Even starting it yourself, the dummies guide is great and £10 well spent.
Best of luck, you sound like a sweetie, you don't deserve this.

mizzbiz

I think that most of us have felt the way that you do now at some point, and it isn't nice at all. But you must see that life comes in ups and downs. The downs are awful and seem to supersede anything good that ever happened to us. But the majority of us get through it because the thrill and potential of the unknown future may always hold something for each of us.

Regarding the men situation, play it cool - please. If you go declaring love now, you'll push them away and end up far more disappointed than you are now. Just build relationships, try to have fun and never project your own wants onto budding relationships, or they invariably fail.

In regard to your second post,well, it's really clear you need to learn to love and be happy with yourself before you can really love anyone else. We all have parts of ourselves we don't like, it' our character. Being aware of it is the first step towards changing it. You also need to focus on the good things about yourself, rather than dwell on the bad.

I imagine that you're often sat at home alone, thinking about what you don't have and you don't like. Next Friday it's a brand new year and a new opportunity to turn things around. You need to keep active and interested, then things will take their natural course. By this I mean, get out with friends when you can, join a gym, join classes and do courses. Anything but sitting at home dwelling on the bad. You will find that friendships blossom and develop naturally because you are not pushing it and thinking about it all the time. Try to make it your new year resolution to set about enjoying life in any way you can. You only get one life, one try. Try to make it as rich as you possibly can.

If you need to talk, PM me. I have been in a terrible way before, although I never contemplated suicide and nor should you. It would be okay for you, but absolutely devastate everyone who loves you.