family, what would you do?!

bonar

life is too short. go with the baby, we never know what the future holds and there may not be a next time.................... its christmas and the season of goodwill, they are from a different generation use this as a new beginning

sazzybum

When I fell pregnant with my oldest son (now 22) my brother stopped speaking to me (wasn't married at the time). However- he was at my Mothers when I went to visit with my son. I went through to the kitchen, and as I walked back into the lounge, there was my brother, cradling my son telling him how beautiful he was, and how much his Uncle loved him. They have had a very very special relationship since then. My brother and I still didn't speak for another 13 years after that. But no matter what I felt about it-I wouldn't have deprived my son of his favourite uncle, or vice versa.

Whether you are there or not-your child CAN have a special relationship with your grandparents. Not going to pretend it's easy, and sometimes you have to swallow hard...but surely you would be the better person if you rise above it.

paddy's_mum

I'm not sure that some of the slightly adverse comments here about the involvement of the Dad are strictly relevant.

Isn't it likely that he is trying to be the peacemaker? Rather than being childish or manipulative, perhaps it's quite simply that he loves and can see the faults on both sides and is one of life's natural go-betweens.

The fact that both the OP and the grandparents each have a sound relationship with him suggest that he is a pretty decent sort of chap and might be acting for the very best of reasons, with no motive other than reconciliation and the healing of old and needless wounds. Good on him, I say.

factor29

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I wouldn't let my baby go to see them. If there is aminosity towards you, how can you be sure there won't be for your baby.

I get rather cross with relatives who think they have a right over babies when they are born.

The baby is your responsibility and they have no rights over it. If they aren't interested in you, I personally would not let them see the baby.

Thats what i thought, i cant just let baby keep going and then one day find out that theyve being saying bad things.

Also, partner said that they would probably try and spoil baby so that it was impossible for us to stop contact should it come to it (if we werent involved)

tsstss7 wrote: »

I agree with Bennifred here. The baby should come as a package with you and her mother and definately not be toted around by another relative - it just seems wierd and a dangerous precedent to set. What if this is just their way of excluding you and is the only way they are willing to persue a relationship with their great grandchild - would you be happy for that to continue?

Once you have agreed to such an arrangement you will find it hard to stop in the future.

I dont think they have any intention to include me, otherwise i think they would have gone about it a different way, and possibly asked me themselves?



Thanks for everyones help, never expected so many replies!

I think im just going to say that if they want to see great grandchild, they need to make the effort to put things behind them - and they need to prove this before i let baby go without me and mum.

Curious_George_2

They want to see the baby but not you? id be telling them they have a bloody nerve and they can whistle for a visit.

I have an incredibly difficult family and this is just the type of stunt some of them would pull, my nan has no interest in me but wants my children flocking round her like shes nan of the year, well it doesnt happen...
she was an evil witch to me so has no contact with my children, its my job as a parent to protect my children how i see fit, and that includes all types f emotional blackmail from blood relatives.

if they were interested in any sort of reconcilliation then you would have been invited round as a family unit, not just "can dad bring the baby"
they have just realised they might be missing out on something, tough cookies!

people on here saying 'life is too short'... well your right, it is, there are plenty of lovely people about.. why waste your time with those who only want to put you down?

red_devil

factor29 wrote: »

to cut a long story short..

not spoken to grandparents in over 2 years after a falling out - they decided they didn't want to speak to me or see me for a silly reason (longer story) so haven't seen each other since - no communication at all.

We now have a baby, who is 18 months old and they haven't tried to get in touch - no cards, nothing - they originally said that they would give baby a pressie when she was born but only if i apologised for the falling out (not my fault). if i didnt apologise, they would "disown" me

I didnt apologise because they didnt want to stand down etc, so heard nothing since.

Now, all of a sudden they have asked my dad if he will bring baby to see them one day in the next few weeks.

My question is - what should i do... They obviously don't want anything more to do with me, and my worry is what happens when baby is old enough to understand things and wonders why i never see them, or take to see them.

should i let them see baby or should they do the legwork and make up for lost time, and for being childish for the last 3 years?

no way would i want that arrangement. What happens if you dad cant take your child anymore either what will happen then! They cant rely on him forever. Its a cop out too!

I would say if you cant all make up then forget it! Families are a pain in the !!! and its perfectly possible to function without them!

LisaLou1982

A difficult situation on all accounts....

Like someone else above said, i lost my grandparents 6yrs ago (and my dad recently) and theres nothing i wouldnt give for them to be there when i have children.

However, that said, if a member of my family wanted to see my children but didnt want to see me, i dont think i would let my child go without me. A family comes as a unit until such a time that all involved are old enough to make their own decisions.

Can you call your grandparents yourself? Why not call and say that you understand theyve been asking to see your child and that YOU will bring the family round to see them/meet them somewhere. That way, if they dont want to see you, they have the opportunity to say so, and you will also have the opportunity to say what you think too.

xx

floss2

factor29 wrote: »

... I think i need to be 110% sure theyve changed and are willing to give things a go

Why not consider the fact that they have NOT changed, but would like to be reconciled with you? By standing your ground over this opportunity to allow the generations to meet, you are effectively becoming just like them - stubborn, hard-faced, refusing to move.

Would you like to have to explain to your child why she was not given an opportunity to get to know her great-grandparents in years to come, when she finds out from her grandfather that he wanted to take her? How will you do that without giving an impression that you acted the same way (albeit 2 years later) that they did?

I speak from experience - my ex-inlaws were (probably still are for all I know!) "always right" but for the sake of my sons I bit my lip & tried not to fight with them. It isn't easy but sometimes we have to back down.

If I were you I would suggest that you meet them at your dad's, with the LO, as it is an environment you are all comfortable with. Then take it from there.