family, what would you do?!

factor29

to cut a long story short..

not spoken to grandparents in over 2 years after a falling out - they decided they didn't want to speak to me or see me for a silly reason (longer story) so haven't seen each other since - no communication at all.

We now have a baby, who is 18 months old and they haven't tried to get in touch - no cards, nothing - they originally said that they would give baby a pressie when she was born but only if i apologised for the falling out (not my fault). if i didnt apologise, they would "disown" me

I didnt apologise because they didnt want to stand down etc, so heard nothing since.

Now, all of a sudden they have asked my dad if he will bring baby to see them one day in the next few weeks.

My question is - what should i do... They obviously don't want anything more to do with me, and my worry is what happens when baby is old enough to understand things and wonders why i never see them, or take to see them.

should i let them see baby or should they do the legwork and make up for lost time, and for being childish for the last 3 years?

skintchick

Why don;t you contact them and tell them you will take your baby to see them. It may be just the icebreaker you all need to put this behind you and move on as a family.

elantan

what do you want to do ? there is no point in making up if you dont want to is there ? if you do decide to make up set yourself some ground rules ..what you will put up with what you wont put up with etc ....

if it was me and only if it was me i would let them hang as they grow so to speak ...but then i dont see the big thing in families and i dont forgive ...so i am probably not the best person to take advice from

bank_of_slate

I would say that either they wish to be part of your family unit as a whole or they don't.
...Linda xx

whitewing

I think I'd let your dad take the baby this first time, and then maybe you and your dad could take baby for the next visit. Don't assume they don't want to see you - we're just a peculiar generation for some of the older folk. I expect they genuinely want to see the little 'un, and baby won't remember the visit anyway.

Bogof_Babe

What does your dad think about it all? Personally I feel that life is too short to bear grudges. You don't have to fall back into their arms, but civility costs nothing and life is much easier if people attempt to get on with eachother.

Marcheline

I would try to find a middle ground. Contact your grandparents and say that you do not want your child to lose out and that you hope you could all meet and be civil to one another, letting 'bygones be bygones'. See what they say.

I wouldn't be holding a grudge against them either. In my opinion, your child has a right to see them and any disharmony between you and them should not get in the way if at all possible. If they are serious about having disowned you, they'll stick to their guns about getting you to apologise but I honestly can't believe that they will want to lose out on their grandchild and great grandchild's lives. Maybe this is their way of extending an olive branch to you. IF however it becomes apparent that they don't want to see you, only your child, I would be hurt (obviously) but I would be inclined to let your dad take the little one for a visit.

angelicmary85

If it was me I would be wanting to show off my baby so I'd be taking her for her first visit to her great grandparents house. It may be awkward at first but ask your dad to let them know that you'll be there. I'd also be inclined to go incase my LO went all shy and needed a cuddle!

sarymclary

Factor, what do you want?

Do you want to rekindle a relationship with your grandparents, and if so, would 'wiping the slate clean' on all parts, rather than going over old ground and waiting for an unlikely apology (you to them, and them to you - dependent upon each party's viewpoint, of course)?

Would you be happy for your daughter to have a relationship with your grandparents, even if they still refused to see you?

My guess here is that your parents have been gushing away to the great-grandparents about their adorable little granddaughter, with phrases of 'Oh you should see her!' 'She's such a little dear, if only you knew her..' That sort of thing. They're out of the loop, and missing out on all of this. However, they also have their own granddaughter, who they have chosen to turn their backs on. It must have been one almighty issue for them to have ignored you for so long, including the birth of your child.

If you would like to have a relationship with them again, then I would suggest that in order for them to have contact with your child, they would have to have contact with you too. As the mother of this child, you need to be sure that she will not hear any negativity about you whilst she is in their presence. Not something you, or your own parents could guarantee in the long-term. Little girls who love their mummy's will talk about them, and praise them to others, and you don't want them being told differently!

I'm a bit of a control freak, and do not have a relationship with my own parents, which isn't just another thread, it's a whole novel's worth of story, but I couldn't have allowed my children to visit them if I weren't there. That's just me tho.

Perhaps you need to spend a bit of time coming to a decision on this one, and just tell you dad that you need to spend time thinking about what you feel is best, and appropriate for you daughter, especially in light of the fact that you don't have any contact with the great-grandparents, despite you having wanted to. That snippet of info may well work it's way back to the great-gp's and they may change their attitude. Life can be too short for silly disagreements sometimes, and I hope you find a happy resolution for you all.

factor29

elantan wrote: »

what do you want to do ? there is no point in making up if you dont want to is there ? if you do decide to make up set yourself some ground rules ..what you will put up with what you wont put up with etc ....

if it was me and only if it was me i would let them hang as they grow so to speak ...but then i dont see the big thing in families and i dont forgive ...so i am probably not the best person to take advice from

To be honest i wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't for my dad now wanting to take baby. They've not bothered for the last 18 months, so why would i make the effort. the way i see it is they've had plenty of chances to be reasonable, and get back in touch - first great grandchild, i was in hospital for a week not long after baby was born - never heard anything then and could have done with help.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

What does your dad think about it all? Personally I feel that life is too short to bear grudges. You don't have to fall back into their arms, but civility costs nothing and life is much easier if people attempt to get on with eachother.

My dad has always agreed with them, but part of the reason we fell out was because they are "always right"

Marcheline wrote: »

I would try to find a middle ground. Contact your grandparents and say that you do not want your child to lose out and that you hope you could all meet and be civil to one another, letting 'bygones be bygones'. See what they say.

I wouldn't be holding a grudge against them either. In my opinion, your child has a right to see them and any disharmony between you and them should not get in the way if at all possible. If they are serious about having disowned you, they'll stick to their guns about getting you to apologise but I honestly can't believe that they will want to lose out on their grandchild and great grandchild's lives. Maybe this is their way of extending an olive branch to you. IF however it becomes apparent that they don't want to see you, only your child, I would be hurt (obviously) but I would be inclined to let your dad take the little one for a visit.

My only prob with that is that i think if i let baby go this once, then i wouldn't be able to say no at a later date. i don't want baby growing up (quite aware about people she knows now) and wondering about why i never go.

factor29

sarymclary wrote: »

Factor, what do you want?

Do you want to rekindle a relationship with your grandparents, and if so, would 'wiping the slate clean' on all parts, rather than going over old ground and waiting for an unlikely apology (you to them, and them to you - dependent upon each party's viewpoint, of course)?

Would you be happy for your daughter to have a relationship with your grandparents, even if they still refused to see you?

My guess here is that your parents have been gushing away to the great-grandparents about their adorable little granddaughter, with phrases of 'Oh you should see her!' 'She's such a little dear, if only you knew her..' That sort of thing. They're out of the loop, and missing out on all of this. However, they also have their own granddaughter, who they have chosen to turn their backs on. It must have been one almighty issue for them to have ignored you for so long, including the birth of your child.

If you would like to have a relationship with them again, then I would suggest that in order for them to have contact with your child, they would have to have contact with you too. As the mother of this child, you need to be sure that she will not hear any negativity about you whilst she is in their presence. Not something you, or your own parents could guarantee in the long-term. Little girls who love their mummy's will talk about them, and praise them to others, and you don't want them being told differently!

I'm a bit of a control freak, and do not have a relationship with my own parents, which isn't just another thread, it's a whole novel's worth of story, but I couldn't have allowed my children to visit them if I weren't there. That's just me tho.

Perhaps you need to spend a bit of time coming to a decision on this one, and just tell you dad that you need to spend time thinking about what you feel is best, and appropriate for you daughter, especially in light of the fact that you don't have any contact with the great-grandparents, despite you having wanted to. That snippet of info may well work it's way back to the great-gp's and they may change their attitude. Life can be too short for silly disagreements sometimes, and I hope you find a happy resolution for you all.

I wouldnt be happy baby seeing them if they didnt want anything to do with me, but i also dont think i should make anything easy for them - they've not being part of babys life for nearly 18 months.

And it wasnt anything serious we fell out over - they went on and on about the same thing making out i was wasting my life, wasnt educated enough etc etc. I stuck up for myself and was kicked out there house in middle of an argument. Never spoke since.

Ps im the daddy!