Telling my grandparents

faithcecilia

Its nearly 4mths now since I was kicked out of the convent, the 4 hardest months of my whole life.

While my relationship with my family is not good, and if I am honest, has not been good for a long time, I have always been very, very close to my dad's dad - he has told several people, including other family members, that I am his favourite (of 5 grandchildren) and have always been able to talk to him about absolutely anything. Until now. He was so proud of me 'going in' and although he knows from my dad that I am out, I can't seem to bring myself to write or call him.

I want to put a note in with their Christmas card, which probably needs to be posted tomorrow, but have no idea what to say, I feel that I have let him down and don't deserve his trust and faith in me. Any ideas?

Michelin

Could you just say that you are taking a break from the convent for a little while but you hope to go back in the New Year?

tandraig

how about - the convent have sent me out into the world, its a learning experience and although i miss the convent very much, understand that they think its best for me. i hope very much to go back, enriched by the experience i have gained, in the not too distant future.
hope this helps faithcecelia.

DVardysShadow

Writing that note is going to be harder than your long walk. But you haven't let him down or failed him and if he is a good man, he won't want you to think that either. Write the honest note, without guilt. And feel free of what you think are his expectations.

faithcecilia

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Writing that note is going to be harder than your long walk. But you haven't let him down or failed him and if he is a good man, he won't want you to think that either. Write the honest note, without guilt. And feel free of what you think are his expectations.

Yes, the walk would have been a 'stroll in the park' in comparison. I know he won't be disappointed in me - maybe disappointed FOR me but not in me. But I do feel that I have failed him, I know he just wants me happy and settled - I will be 30 Xmas day and always thought my life would be settled by then. And he is aging rapidly now (in his 80s) and I would love to feel I wasn't being a worry for him.

ceridwen

I would just go with doing a note saying briefly what happened - as in: I'm out/this is why/this is for how long/this is how I feel about it/hoping, all being well, to go back in again later next year.

One thing I am learning as I get older (middle-aged as I am at the moment) is that things look very different as one gets older. My own personal experience is that I am more "detached" - a LOT more "detached" from what is happening in either my own or anyone else's life. I can see things a lot more clearly than I could when younger. Roll on old age in that respect is all I can say as - by then - I think I will probably be in the position where its a case of "all passions spent" and feeling totally "detached" about everything and I think that will be a huge blessing/advantage to getting older.

So - I personally think your grandad will view this in a lot more "dispassionate light" than a younger person would and will just want the best for you. Its definitely my own personal experience that I get a LOT less upset by things than I used to when younger - and I will be delighted when those odd occasions when I still DO get upset/lose my temper dont happen any more - so I'm sure Grandad wont feel in any way that there has been any "let down" by anyone - he will just want the best for you and accept the way things are right now - believe me. I think the vast majority of people become a lot more "philosophical" as they get older.

Its difficult to explain JUST how different life looks through the eyes of an older person - but they certainly DO look/feel very different to most of us as we get older and, by and large, its a blessing that they do.

tandraig

faithcecilia wrote: »

Its nearly 4mths now since I was kicked out of the convent, the 4 hardest months of my whole life.

While my relationship with my family is not good, and if I am honest, has not been good for a long time, I have always been very, very close to my dad's dad - he has told several people, including other family members, that I am his favourite (of 5 grandchildren) and have always been able to talk to him about absolutely anything. Until now. He was so proud of me 'going in' and although he knows from my dad that I am out, I can't seem to bring myself to write or call him.

I want to put a note in with their Christmas card, which probably needs to be posted tomorrow, but have no idea what to say, I feel that I have let him down and don't deserve his trust and faith in me. Any ideas?

do you really still feel you were kicked out?
I have read most of your posts faithcecelia and feel that the convent felt you either werent ready for life with them or that you were hiding from something. so they sent you out (not kicked you out) to explore the world and discover whether you were suited to life outside the convent or were better suited to life inside the convent.
forgive me hun if this sounds harsh - but I dont feel you are learning the lessons they hoped you would.
you still sound resentfull of the convent - and not seeing their point of view - they dont want nuns who are taking the easy option and hiding from the world. they want nuns who fully understand what they are giving up voluntarily.
I really dont want to upset you faithcecelia - I like you, think you are a lovely person. but, I think I would rather speak my truth than sugar coat things.
You would be quite correct if you said I dont understand convent life - I dont - and i dont understand your religion - again - I dont as I was brought up presbyterian.
but, I have learned about spirituality - and can totally see where your convent are coming from. and until you come to realise that this is for YOUR benefit and stop feeling like a chucked out teenager - they arent going to want you back.

Irish_Cailin

I concur with most of Tandraig post. While I accept your fear of displeasing your Grandad and possible rejection. Tell him the truth if not you will be watching out for signs of him knowing the truth. Don't tell him you might be going back later.
If you have as you say been "kicked out" and don't want to tell him, just say with much deliberation and prayer you reached the decision that religious life is not for you. And then if you are questioned just say it was such a hard and personal decision you don't want to talk anymore about it.
While I respect your Grandad's love for you, if its truly unconditional he should accept you no matter what. I think you need to take back your power and be true to yourself. You are a unique person with your own gifts and talents.
Believe in yourself to the debths of your being. Believe in yourself and the talents your Spirit is freeing.
As adults we should not be controled by other peoples expectations no matter how much they profess their love for us. Some times this can be a way to manipulate. Not saying thats the case with your grandad.
I see a lot of parents trying to control their adult children. Personally I suffered a lot as a result of my own mothers expectations, until I learned enough is enough. Their expectations are theirs and if we don't measure up tough. In my case I would never have measured up in her eyes anyway.
Seek out a wise person to help you tease out your difficulties with. You deserve to be happy.
I wish you Peace, Love and Joy now and in the future
M.

faithcecilia

Tandraig - yes, do still feel that I was kicked out. It was so sudden, there was no discussion, no options, no alternatives. I was gone in 22hrs after being told. I feel utterly rejected.

Yet I do not doubt they believed it was the right thing, and trust them on that. Becase I respect their decision was mde in good fait does not change my feelings, or my belief hat it could have been done another way.

peachyprice

Faithcecelia, what do you think would upset your grandad more, the fact that you're living outside of the convent for the time being, or the fact that you feel you can't talk to him about it? I'm guessing it's not the former.

You need to find the strength within to make your peace with grandad, he must be hurting like mad now knowing you feel you can't tell him yourself.

mummy_Jay

As for the letter to your grandad. Sitdown grab a piece of paper open your heart and just let it pour out, tell him the truth of what happen, how you feel about it and why you were frightened to tell him.
He wont be disappointed in you, he wont judge you but he will listen to you and support you and this may be what you need, you just don't know it yet.

You worry still about being sent on this journey but you are a religous woman so you must know that your god has a plan for you, you must have faith and trust that this is a journey you need to take so you can fill his/her plan for you. To me as an outsider looking in, the qualities in are a nun are emotional stability and strength, they are pillar stone that rebuild people and hold them together, from what I have read you are scared of so much, you need to find your strength and your strength in faith to allow you to believe that your god will guide you, so there is nothing to fear.