Telling my grandparents

Frith

I just wanted to send you my best wishes, faithcecilia.

The hardest thing I ever had to tell my grandparents was when I left my husband, knowing I would ultimately get divorced. They were married 64 years and fairly religious (they certainly took marriage very seriously). My mum and I drove round in the end "to get it over with", as my mum said! I had forgotten they had had 90 years of life experience each and this was just a moment in time.

I do think (as other posters have said) that a letter might be the way to go (closely followed by a visit) :-)

This is your grandad and he will be on your side and want you to be happy. I know my grandma said rather pointedly a few times, "No one in our family has ever got divorced before....." but by the time the divorce actually came through, Grandad (then 92) said "Well, duck - you won't make that bl00dy mistake again, will you?" They were both so pleased I could move on, Grandad was laughing and Grandma was literally dancing around the living room! That was the last conversation I ever had with my Grandad before he died.

And I think that having to leave the convent must have been absolutely devastating to you but your Grandad will see it differently, as we do on here.

I hope this makes sense, seem to have rambled!

faithcecilia

tandraig wrote: »

but as a novice hun, they would have wanted to see you BEHAVE as if you were under vows dont you think?

what makes you think that taking vows would mean they couldnt send you away? as a nun dont you go where the church sends you? and havent convents been closed? nuns sent out who have been in enclosed orders for years - would you be prepared for that? isnt the church sending out nuns to live in the community these days? and closing convents?

The active orders, who had previously lived similar livs to enclosed nuns, yes their lives changed dramaticaly after Vatican 2. The contemplative orders, hovever, are still very much enclosed with vocations increasing and new monasteries being built. Sadly the sending them into the communities has caused a lot of problems for active sisters, and yes a lot of their convents have closed.

Had I been under vows I could not have been sent away. Thats the rules.

ceridwen

Faith

Well - you know I've been following your story right from the outset...and I'm thinking here that its sometimes wisest to "bend with the wind" a bit. I'm just picturing a patch of reeds standing there whilst a gale is blowing at them - those that attempted to "stand firm" regardless would get broken in the wind.

BUT - those that "bend a bit with the wind" get blown a bit sideways - but recover and stand upright again once all is calm again.

I'm just saying - I think its best for your sake not to sit rigidly insisting "I WILL GO BACK IN AS FAST AS.....I WILL GO BACK IN AS FAST AS...HOW COULD THEY "KICK ME OUT" " and "bend with the wind" and adapt to the life you have for the time being. Isnt there a Christian phrase "God works in mysterious ways"?

One of the Lessons of Life that I expect your grandfather learnt years ago by now (at his age) is that there arent many things in life that go exactly according to plan. I have had to learn that its only a small group of things that I can guarantee will go EXACTLY according to my plan for my life - thankfully it includes SOME of the most important things. I stick rigidly and firmly to those few things that I know I DO have full control over in my life - but have learnt that there are times when I have to "bend like a reed with the wind" and then sit and think "Now - how am I to make the best of this situation I find myself in this time?". Whenever other people are involved in any way at all with any of my life decisions then I know that things wont go exactly according to my own personal plan (except in the case where I decided never to have children - ie something that involves other people - and knew no-one at all could stop me doing exactly as I planned in that respect:D).

So - Faith - this is one of those times when you have to accept that "Its not my will alone" here.

I do wonder sometimes whether the Convent reads these threads you put on MSE. I dont know whether they have access to computers and, if so, whether they would use them for more "personal" purposes. So - for all I know - maybe they are reading these. BUT - then again - maybe they cant/wouldnt. I have no idea. But - even if they do read these - I have to say that I dont think/feel sure in fact that they wont be changed in their position on this - and will agree with us that it is a wise idea to learn/and give what you can during your "Time out" here.

Take care Faith....and have a good Christmas.

ceridwen
x

tandraig

faithcecilia wrote: »

The active orders, who had previously lived similar livs to enclosed nuns, yes their lives changed dramaticaly after Vatican 2. The contemplative orders, hovever, are still very much enclosed with vocations increasing and new monasteries being built. Sadly the sending them into the communities has caused a lot of problems for active sisters, and yes a lot of their convents have closed.

Had I been under vows I could not have been sent away. Thats the rules.

ty faithcecelia for clearing that up for me! wasnt sure whether your convent was one of the enclosed or more part of the community.

Yes, I can remember the shock the community felt when the convent in town closed down. even those with no ties to the church felt disbelief as these wonderful nuns had been such a part of the community for so long. they had been nursing nuns and had cared for many of the townspeople in their own homes (rather like the macmillan nurses do today), and their habits were a familiar sight back then. I have wondered since what happened to them and hope they were able to carry on their work. and find new homes of course!

faithcecilia

tandraig wrote: »

ty faithcecelia for clearing that up for me! wasnt sure whether your convent was one of the enclosed or more part of the community.

Yes, I can remember the shock the community felt when the convent in town closed down. even those with no ties to the church felt disbelief as these wonderful nuns had been such a part of the community for so long. they had been nursing nuns and had cared for many of the townspeople in their own homes (rather like the macmillan nurses do today), and their habits were a familiar sight back then. I have wondered since what happened to them and hope they were able to carry on their work. and find new homes of course!

Many now live in 'normal' houses, 2 or 3 together. Habits are, for them, a thing of the past but often they are still regognisable from their M&S seperates:p On the whole, sadly, they are aging and recieving fewer vocations. I think in part this is actually due to the fact that women on the whole have far more options now than they used to - it is now common for women to be nurses, teachers or whatever, to not marry, to earn their own living, they are not seen as having something wrong with them and so, (I suspect) that has simply become their vocation - to care - rather than having to become a religious to do so. That is over simplified but I hope it makes sense?

I have decided to try to keep my options open a little. Today I have emailed another community (another contemplative community - for me, enclosure has always been part of my calling) and am witing to hear back..

tandraig

I know what you mean faithcecelia - these days its not seen as strange that women choose not to marry - or to houseshare with, and actually prefer the company of other woman (I dont mean in a sexual way either). years ago if a woman chose not to marry then unless she had an independent income there was very little choice available to her.

this is making me think a little harder about your situation, some people ARE drawn to a contemplative life or even a solitary one. not everyone wants to be part of a community - but we need to experience it to be SURE that it isnt what we want. Also some people know exactly what they want or need out of life too. even if others feel they know better - does not mean they are wrong - they just have to fight harder to get what they want. if this is you - then go for it girl!

tandraig

ceridwen wrote: »

Faith





I do wonder sometimes whether the Convent reads these threads you put on MSE. I dont know whether they have access to computers and, if so, whether they would use them for more "personal" purposes. So - for all I know - maybe they are reading these. BUT - then again - maybe they cant/wouldnt. I have no idea. But - even if they do read these - I have to say that I dont think/feel sure in fact that they wont be changed in their position on this - and will agree with us that it is a wise idea to learn/and give what you can during your "Time out" here.

Take care Faith....and have a good Christmas.

ceridwen
x

I just HAD to come back and comment on this!
I have visions of this sternfaced mother superior (who looks like maggie smith) booting up and going on mse muttering 'whats she saying now'.........(then thinking 'thank the lord I havent got that Tandraig in my convent'), hopping over to Amazon to browse some books, then coming back to mse and maybe OS moneysaving (every penny counts) then back onto marraiges etc...........and heaving a sigh of relief at faiths posts!

faith - not making fun, but perhaps finding a lighter side?

fantasia322

faithcecilia wrote: »

As a novice I was under no vows. As I former novice I am DEFINATELY under no vows. I long to be, then they wouldnt have been able to send me away.

This sounds as 'longing to be under vows' is to be used as an escape. Not good