nieces, nephews, in-laws - where do I stop?

bundly

Hi folks in a bit of a dilemma here.

Although I was in effect and only child, I have a whole clan of half-brothers and sisters, much older than me (Mum married twice).

I'm invited to my sister's for one day over Xmas. She has offspring, who have partners and children. My other brothers and sisters will be also visiting her the same day, bringing their children, their partners and young children/babies. They rarely contact me and some I have only met once or twice. Because I was brought up alone I am still unsure of the protocols of present-giving in families.

Obviously I want to get presents for my sisters and brothers. I feel I cannot do that without buying something for their partners, too. And then I feel that I cannot give presents to my half-siblings and their partners, and nothing for the small children to whom I am great-aunt.

And if I get something for all my nieces and nephews, and their children, isn't it going to be really embarrassing that I don't have anything for the nieces and nephews' partners?

I don't want to make a fool of myself by handing out loads of presents to people who will be embarrassed because they didn't get me anything, or because they barely know me and didn't expect anything. Worse, I don't want to squirm in my seat all day and risk creating jealousies or resentments because I bought for some and not for others.

Can anyone who is habituated to being in a big family tell me -- where should I stop?

ubamother

I would stop at one present per family, present type depending on age of children - family game, big box of posh chocolates, set of cinema tickets, that kind of group present.

Another alternative is to simply ask the sister who is hosting the event. While you don't have to follow whatever they are going with - it's good to know in advance, and if she has more contact with the various family groups she may be able to advise.

debtdesperado

I second the one present per family... I have a big extended family too, and it got to the point where the budget per family member was so low you couldn't get anything decent, yet overall you'd spend two or three hundred pounds, just on rubbish.

Now as there are lots of little families (those children now having grown up and got families of their own) we do a secret santa - just one present and a £50 limit, which means you can get a decent present for a family and take time choosing something they really would like.

If in doubt, raise it with your siblings in advance that you are planning one present per family/presents just for children etc and get them to agree it.

victory

I agree group presents, quality street tin for 4 consider that one present, a posh box of biscuits which are now 1/2 price everywhere for another set, a board game that all the family can play, a dvd, music cd, doesn't have to cost the earth, just a present group gesture:D

JimmyTheWig

Alternatively, why not go to a 99p / pound shop? You could get 20 presents for £20. Everyone gets something. For the grown-ups you could get silly things (e.g. pink sparkly cowboy hat) or useful things (e.g. smellies). For the kids you can get toys. And there's always the fallback of sweets / chocolates / biscuits for anyone you're not sure of.
Everyone gets something to unwrap and you don't break the bank.

Unless this would break the bank. If £20 would put a serious dent in your Christmas spending then don't do it. Don't waste money that you haven't got.

PasturesNew

Box of Quality Street/posh biscuits for each family ... and an additional a bottle of wine and pot plant for the host family should cover it.

Remember, whatever you do in year 1 will set the precedent for future years as you become known for giving X as a present. Best to stick with something you can maintain for the next 20 years.

wornoutmumoftwo

We just buy for the children, my husband has a huge family and once his nieces had their children we stopped buying for them and bought for their children.

emmell

A nice tin of biscuits per family that they can all share should be enough.
ML.

lors71

As you said some of your extended family,you barely know,why not take a present for ALL of you to share on the day,big box of m and s biscuits/wine/choclates/xmas cake or pudding??...its ok saying take a gift per family,but if that family consits of mum,dad,grown up kids,their kids,partners etc...you kind of have to split that family down again,if you get what i mean...id make a hamper of treats for everyone to enjoy on the day,its not going to cost a bomb and you wont feel anxoius about weather your doing "it right"...........spend £25 and your done,enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DianneB

I would second lors71's suggestion, brilliant solution!!

bundly

I'd like to thank everyone for their replies.

I wasn't so much looking for ideas for presents (though these ideas are welcome - thank you!) but more for guidance on the protocols of extended-family gift-giving.

I did ask my sister and she said casually "Oh just bring anything - or nothing, whatever you want!" but that doesn't mean she speaks for the rest of them.....

The present-per-family doesn't quite work, because the composition per family is complicated, and the children don't necessarily live with their parents (i.e. grown up, moved on) and the children are all different ages so board games etc I don't think would work - one nephew has a four year old girl, another has just a baby. As for DVDs or music CDs I don't know anyone's likes or dislikes.

My first thought on the hamper was that I'd feel embarrassed taking food/drink to a gathering that my sister is hosting, almost as though I am "saying" that she cannot cater for us all properly, could be taken as an insult against her hostess abilities.

Added to that I am personally very much against white flour and sugar products, and also alcohol, and never consume them myself, so it would look totally weird if I turned up laden with items that I spend the other 364 days of the year campaigning against and advising the people I care about to avoid :-)

I most particulary would never give sugar products to children or any parents of small children.

I've "sort of" gone with the pound shop idea, although it's 15 miles to the nearest pound shop (so far as I know) so I bought everything from Ebay. Small but useful gifts, the same for everyone except the smallest children, costing about £3 each incl postage. I bought for every person, including the boyfriends and girlfriends of the neices and nephews.

I am just so worried about offending anyone!