another unhappy relationship thread, sorry.

~N_I_K_I~

dogcat wrote: »

Hi NIKI
Hope you are ok, I've spoken to my partner today, I am picking my key up from him tommorow. He also owes me money, which I doubt if I will ever get back. It's from about 4 years ago, no signs of it for ages. He told me he hadn't been to work, he's already had tons of warnings. He also said that he'd thought about topping himself. I was upset, but stayed strong, and told him that I'd given him too many chances and this was def. the end. He told me that he had Christmas pressies (which I know he has) to bring round. I told him to keep them. It was very hard for me to do. It's gonna be even harder when I see him tommorow. Hope you are staying strong too.

Dogcat
Hope all goes well today. Try to forget about the money? cut your losses. Please let us know how you get on, try not to give in. x x

~N_I_K_I~

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

Niki...you also know that he does not mean a single word of anything hurtful. I know that it is hard to ignore it but it is what you need to do whether you are with him or not.
It is also a difficult road to go down when you have left to stay with a parent, almost like returning to a safety net. Doing things that way isn't a sign of your strength or a meansure of your control. It is just an escape.
If you love him and want to save your relationship would it not be better to ask him to leave? Leaving him in your home, well, nothing is an upheaval for him is it? No wake up call for him.

I dont know how to make him leave, he wont go just by my asking

dogcat_2

Hi N I K I,
Hope you are well,
I met him today, to pick the key up, he said that he was going to put it through my letterbox, but I didn't want him near the house. I met him, we had a chat, he was sober. He looked really rough, he still hadn't been to work, I told him, he's doing himself no favours, he said that he hates the job and wants to get the sack. He told me he's looking for something else. I told him that he was lucky to have a job. I told him quite a few 'home truths'. He just listened. The thing is, we've been here before, quite a few times. I do feel very sorry for him. I told him he needs to go to the Docs. ...he's been twice before though, and I think the Doc. is now a bit fed up with him, 'cos he went to a few meetings them didn't bother anymore. He asked If I would go with him to the Docs. I said I would. I said until he sorts himself out he will never have a life, and that he's in a downward spiral. I have tried to help him, and thats all I can do. I don't want him round the house. I think (hope) he will respect that.

N I K I,
I do think that you need to go and seek help from a solicitor and CAB office, so that you can sort your rights out. Why should he stay in the house, when you have children to look after? The sooner the better I think. Best wishes.

red_devil

For heavens sake get shot of him. He is dragging you down! He has no respect for you either!

larmy16

Niki forgive me if I sound bitter, but I loathe drinkers/alcoholics. If you cannot put yourself first, then you must find it within yourself to put your daughter first. She will be a bag of nerves and may never recover if you do not get out now.

My dad was a weekend drinker and I really resented my mother for not taking us away from the situation. As another poster said, it was like walking on eggshells. He was either drunk, recovering from it or building up to the next binge. It was not so easy for women to get out in those days, no refuges or agencies (it was all very shameful) - but as a child I did not know that.

Leave this man to live his life as he chooses. He may be an alcoholic but it is his choice whether to continue with the poison. Not your responsiblity. The thought of a man being around me in that condition makes my stomach heave. I wish you well.

Primrose

The sad reality, as you will realise if you've read other threads about alcoholics on this formum, is that 99% of them are incapable of giving up drinking. As a result, those living with them just sink into a deeper and deeper hell of misery and debt and their families are dragged down with them. However hard it is, try to recognise this reality and ensure that your children's lives are not wrecked any further by this alcoholism. They and you need a fresh start where some degree of normality can be achieved. The break is going to be hard for the children but now they are older they surely must be seeing for themselves the effect drink is having on you all. Your OH is an adult and must now accept responsibility for himself and his actions.

wuckfit

Hi ~N I K I~
Not much I can say, or add by way of experience to this but I just wanted to post something by way of support. The first step is always the hardest. I'm sure you can be strong. You deserve a better quality of life both for you and your kids. after 8 years, no one can say you didn't make the effort.
You can be strong enough. it might seem bleak right now but in time you'll look back on it. You'll never find happiness until you extricate yourself from this situation.
Best of luck

~N_I_K_I~

The begging and crying started on wednesday.
He said he wouldn't carry on living without me.
He wants help but if I'm not there he doesn't have the strength.
Scared, ashamed, suicidal, sorry... all those things, I've gone back. we're going to the AA tomorrow at 8pm.
I feel like I've been quite weak in the past, issued ultimatums and not stuck with it.
This is the very last chance.
I've had some very long talks with my DD she's poured out what she thinks and feels ans she seems happy to be back with her stepsister.
I've never been this honest and open with the kids before and I can see its the best way to be.
She told me last night of all the things she's scared might happen and I told her that we will leave if any of them do.
I had to do this but it really is last chance. I'm dubious about the festive season so if any of it starts again I'll leave.
Thanks for all your advice, Its all stored inside of me. I'm sorry I just haven't followed it although I know I still may need to.
I'd like to still post progress.
x

BitterAndTwisted

And I'd still like to hear how things are going. I admire you for being totally honest with your daughter and reassuring her that you will leave if things don't improve. When you have a moment put a Plan-B escape-route together, ensuring all important paperwork is in order and out of the house in case you have to leave at short notice.

If you're determined that this is truly the Last-Chance Saloon for your OH and he understands that, I dearly hope that the effort and the heartache will be worth it in the long run but you need to be crystal-clear about exactly what it is you're expecting from him and will not tolerate anything less or you'll be gone forever and will never look back.

Good luck hun

StressedSteph

BIG HUGS hun. I know you love this man but my only advice to you is
"RUN FOR THE HILLS".

Sorry if I sound a little strong, but my dad was an alcoholic who stole my pocket money, sold my toys for booze and we would find small whiskey bottles hidden at over the house. He was verbally abusive to my mum and I and I know the pain and hurt it causes.
My mum and I would wait watching out of the window at the time he should be home from work. Of course he never came home until he had spent half his wages at the pub first. :mad:

What sort of example are you setting your young daughter if you keep putting up with his behaviour? Daughters very often repeat history and marry men very similar to their father figures.

I don't know the full story, but if you do really love him, can you not live seperately and then when he is on a drinking binge at least your daughter won't be witness to it and you can both leave him alone until he has sobered up.

Does he admit to having a problem? I may be a little heartless, but if he won't help himself then you really should'nt be having to check if a grown man is still breathing in his sleep. That is a very sorry way to live your life, we only have one crack at this and you and your daughter need to be happy.


Please be strong hun, thinking of you xxx