another unhappy relationship thread, sorry.

~N_I_K_I~

Hi Sandhawk

Thanks for your message, it really means a lot. This must have been so hard for you to do and so traumatic to go through. You seem so positive though, I really admire you. Can I ask? How old are your children? Do they bear any grudges against you? Do they seem happier?

Something occurred to me as I was dozing off last night/this morning, A noise from another room startled me and my instinct was “oh no he’s woke up” sounds silly but made me realise we live on tenterhooks, we’re all happy if he’s asleep and tiptoe around trying not to wake him.

My DD seemed very cheery and happy this morning.

Well I’ve made it to work, left the car on the drive and popped in to make sure SDD was up for college and peered through the crack in his door and could see he was still breathing.

Thanks

dogcat_2

I wish you luck...I know exactly how you feel, as I am writing this now...feeling like crap. Living with a heavy drinker is not easy. I have had fourteen years of it. Ups and downs, promises, lies, break downs, tears, fights...you name it. The only difference is...he only lived with me for a year out of that time. I was foolish enough to still let the relationship carry on...even though I had to have him arrested and thrown out....that was three years ago. Sunday, we had another turn out...where he basically accused my son of being a sponger and started swearing at me...this time I WILL BE STRONG. Its very hard, because as people have said before, you end up pitying them. Its also easier said than done, when you have been in a relationship for a long while...you know deep down that it's not going to work, but you always believe that ...THIS TIME...it will be different. It won't. Be strong..thats what I'm trying to do. Best wishes.

Ruby_Moon

~N_I_K_I~ wrote: »

Hi James, there has been some help. Therapy, drugs (anti-abuse), AA it just never lasts. I've been to al-anon too. Theres been some long spells without drink, i guess I just never stuck with the ultimatums.

You have the answer here.
You say you have been to Al-anon already, why have you stopped going? This is the place you need to be for strength and support and to gain the confidence you need to be healthily selfish. Remember healthy selfishness?
You know that you cannot reason with an alcoholic and once their mind is set on something you are to no longer continue the conversation and go off and do your own thing.
Another thing I noticed is your hubby said "Get me some wine". You have to stop that and when he is sober enough tell him, "I am no longer going to supply you with any alcohol".
You have to let him be responsible for the things he does. If he wants alcohol, then he goes and gets it.......whether that is from the kitchen or the shop. You must not buy it in with the shopping budget. He buys it with his own money.
Also, if he is drinking heavily and then goes to bed without setting his alarm, do you wake him up? If you do, you must stop this. He has to be responsible for his own actions and if that means getting a warning from work then thats how it should be.
I really do think you need to go back to Al-anon. This is your best chance at keeping your relationship, keeping you sane and your hubby stopping drinking. He will not stop while you are codependent.

Ruby_Moon

jamespir wrote: »

ok sorry to hear that my advice is if its possible have a break from each other for a fair period of time
and do it on the basis that he has to become sober and stick to
it

if you feel you given as much as you cna give then you have no option but to leave for good

James, you can't give ultimatums to alcoholics because they are not going to solve the underlying problems for either party involved.
The alcoholic has to stop drinking because he wants to, not becasue he has to. Yes, he may go a long time without drinking but he still has the mental problems that cause the drinking and will not deal with them when it is a situation that he hasn't choosen for himself.

~N_I_K_I~

Hi Dogcat
Sorry you’re suffering too. It is hard, so much easier said than done. I always thought we’d be together forever. I hope you can stay strong. I’ve been reading all day about this. I know what I need to do. Stay strong and please keep posting x

Ruby
Thanks, I know that you are correct in all you say. There’s an al-anon on weds that I’ll be going to. I can’t think about changing the behaviours you mention because I don’t intend to go back at this point.

xxx

dogcat_2

Hi NIKI
Hope you are ok, I've spoken to my partner today, I am picking my key up from him tommorow. He also owes me money, which I doubt if I will ever get back. It's from about 4 years ago, no signs of it for ages. He told me he hadn't been to work, he's already had tons of warnings. He also said that he'd thought about topping himself. I was upset, but stayed strong, and told him that I'd given him too many chances and this was def. the end. He told me that he had Christmas pressies (which I know he has) to bring round. I told him to keep them. It was very hard for me to do. It's gonna be even harder when I see him tommorow. Hope you are staying strong too.

Ruby_Moon

~N_I_K_I~ wrote: »

Hi Dogcat
Sorry you’re suffering too. It is hard, so much easier said than done. I always thought we’d be together forever. I hope you can stay strong. I’ve been reading all day about this. I know what I need to do. Stay strong and please keep posting x

Ruby
Thanks, I know that you are correct in all you say. There’s an al-anon on weds that I’ll be going to. I can’t think about changing the behaviours you mention because I don’t intend to go back at this point.

xxx

Niki...you also know that he does not mean a single word of anything hurtful. I know that it is hard to ignore it but it is what you need to do whether you are with him or not.
It is also a difficult road to go down when you have left to stay with a parent, almost like returning to a safety net. Doing things that way isn't a sign of your strength or a meansure of your control. It is just an escape.
If you love him and want to save your relationship would it not be better to ask him to leave? Leaving him in your home, well, nothing is an upheaval for him is it? No wake up call for him.

sandhawk2701

Hi NIKI
My kids , DS19, DS15 and DD14. The first few weeks were tough a lot of shouting, crying and hugs.
I was nothing but honest with how I had felt over the years bringing up incidents that had happened. They then started remembering things and asking questions. I realised then how much I had been trying to protect them over the years.

This forum has been a great bible of advice and support, it makes you realise how many other people are in the same situation as you and you somehow gather strenght from reading and posting. Though I have to admit I haven't posted on my thread for a few weeks as I had thrown myself into decorating DD bedroom and sorting the tat in the house.
Please stay strong and find out your rights so you have some facts behind you, like Ruby Moon posted maybe it would be best to make him leave the family home and show him you mean business.

Stay strong.............x

Minimum_Wage_2

Hello Niki,
i have been reading your post and i can say that i feel a little bit of what your going through as i had a brother who was a very heavy drinker. the times that i wished that i wasn't there or that i had to walk around on egg shells was unbelievable.

i wont go into it as its a very bad story and the reasons of why it happened. My brother did drink himself to death even though we tried everything we could to help him, we even invited him around and got him a few cans so that he didn't bring his own which would have been too many.

you on the other hand have the upper hand on this and if he does do what you say he is going to do which is beg for you to come back then be strong and tell him that he has to kick the habit for good before you come back. it is for your sake and your DD, and you can still keep in touch with his DD's to find out how he is doing.

i do hope everything will work out for you. wishing you the best.

~N_I_K_I~

Thanks everyone

Sandhawk, I read your thread last night. I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it. I don’t think I’m that strong. What he has put you through is heartbreaking. Its my worst nightmare but its happening. I wish I could hate him. You’ve been so very brave and what a wonderful family you have. Please keep posting x x x x

I got a few calls at work yesterday but rejected them, had a few voicemails left telling me what a effing !!!!! I was and that I would never be welcome back…all slurred.

I went to pick the car up from the drive and called in to pick a few things up. He was totally paraletic, he was on the phone to his new boss telling him his girlfriend had left, then swaying onto other topics, then saying, have I told you my girlfriend left? It was cringe worthy. He may get the sack. I would normally have taken the phone from him, smoothed it over. There were wine bottles everywhere 7 or 8. I fed the dog and left him slurring to his boss.

His DD rang me later she was crying saying she can’t cope with being there and she needs to know what my plans are, she may go and live with her mum (I know shes reluctant to though). She said the house is already a mess and she can’t stand seeing her dad so hurt and alone. I explained that I couldn’t either. I asked her not to be hasty. Her boyfriend (pretty much)lives with us too they’re both 18 so she’s not alone. I said eventually whatever happened I’d always be there for her and if we split for good she could be with me which she was happy about. She said he’s probably going to drink himself to death. She was actually really angry with me. I told her I can’t tell her my long term plans but I won’t be around for at least the next few weeks. She’s not very mature for 18 and I think she feels abandoned by probably the only stable person she’d got. I said I’ll take her out for tea tonight. She had spoken to her gran too, his mum, she said she only said its probably for the best ”all that arguing they do” NOT “all that wine he drinks” She did tell SDD that if the house was getting messy she should probably tidy it - which was exactly what I’d been thinking.

Later in the night he phoned me, I answered. I do this to get a feel for whats happening. I’m waiting for the call when he asks me to help him and I will. He started “I effing hate you..” I just cut him off. He then left a voicemail saying that he was dying, he’d probably die tonight and couldn’t believe he was in the hands of such a heartless !!!!!. This broke my heart, I wanted desperately to go to him, get a doctor. I know that out of all of us he’s in the most pain. I spoke with my mum, I nearly went but texted SDD instead, she said he was snoring. Even texting SDD felt wrong. It seems like such an easy way to check he’s ok but it feels like I’m involving the kids and involving others was always a no-no. I cried and cried and cried, my face is a mess. I sent him a text later, said “your in your hands not mine. Please get some help. We all love you so much (SDD) needs you.

My dad brought me to work, bless him.
My DD stayed at her friends house last night, she must have been speaking with SDD as she rang me wanting to know what we had been speaking about. I told her that all I was able to tell her is that I wouldn’t be there for the next few weeks. DD got angry with me saying “so we’re having a few weeks away then going back? We may as well just go back now get it over with!” She doesn’t want to be there any more.

My sister suffered depression, I kind of told her to pull herself together too often and she eventually commited suicide. This was the most pain I’ve ever endured. I can’t do it again.

I don’t think I’m strong enough for this. x