another unhappy relationship thread, sorry.

~N_I_K_I~

Hi

I've been with my alcoholic partner for 8 years. We've had many ups and downs but I kind f resigned myself to accepting him for his good points some time ago and have always tried to make things work. At least I think I have. This weekend was lovely, I'd booked for us to go and see a christmas play (us is his 2 DD's from PR and my DD from PR). put the tree up, big sunday roast, after dinner we were all sat watching funny youtube stuff. he'd been drinking and suddenly stormed off, i asked what i'd done and he said if i didn't know i was even worse than he thought and that he didn't have to tell me everything(but with f words). he said he'd wash up, i was to just get him some wine and he didn't want to talk to me. this all sounds so weak, i feel qite ashamed, I'm not a total doormat. i just know that theres no point in getting into anything when he's been drinking. I tend to have it out with him the next day. he got worse after the wine and was very verbally abusive. i left for work this morning and called him later. he'd been drinking and said i was just a pointless person to him, he's unahppy, i can't see it etc etc. I got in from work and he basically said he wanted me and DD to leave,she got very upset (shes 13) this just made me so totally angry, we packed a few things and left. i'm at my mums.

We had a similar argument a couple of weeks ago but I didn't leave that time and I wasn't so passive. I gave as good as I got but it just made it messier, I really tried hard not to let this get out of hand but he just didn't care one way or another.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I dont know what to do. I realise this all makes me sound so weak but it's him whos weak, its him who will be crushed, its him who needs me and he'll be begging my forgiveness and promising sobrierty in less than 3 days, guaranteed. I haven't spent a night away from him in years and years and it hurts so much. He's a very very heavy drinker and its all just so ugly at times. It really wouldn't surprise me if he drank himself to death this week, I worry about him so much, I have an urge to drive over now and check he's still breathing. and i do love him very much.

Then theres this other part of me thinking grab this opportunity, HE is telling you to leave. You've never had this easy a get-out before, take it.

I Just dont know what would you do?

BitterAndTwisted

I can't say what I'd do because I've never been in a similar situation but what I do know is that if you're in a relationship with a substance abuser, you're having a relationship with the substance, not the person any more.

Nobody can, or is really capable of saving another person from themselves. They have to do it if that is what they really want for themselves. I'd be considering making long-term plans for myself and my daughter, away from the drunk and their tantrums, abuse and unpredictability. Seeing you tolerate being treating so poorly by your OH is not a good example of a healthy, adult relationship. Think about leaving for good for her sake if you can't do it for yours alone.

anguk

Personally I wouldn't go back, or actually I would go back with my daughter when he wasn't there and I'd get him to leave! But that's me not you. Only you can make the decision, it's your family and your marriage.

But I would say try to resist the urge to go and see him, give yourself some time to think instead. Is this the life you really want for yourself and your daughter? What happens next time he's drunk and tells you to leave? This is very unsettling for your daughter at a very difficult age especially if she's listening to verbal abuse. One way to look at it is would you want your daughter's future husband to treat her the way your husband treats you? Do you want your daughter to think it's acceptable to live like this.

Please take some time out to think things through clearly, try to use your head instead of your heart. Do you think your husband will ever stop drinking or is this going to be your life together? If it's been like this for the last 8 years (and from the gist of your post it sounds like you've tried very hard to make the relationship work) maybe it is time to take this oportunity to make that break.

Good luck. xx

~N_I_K_I~

Thanks so much for replying. I feel so bad for my DD, you're quite right I need to focus on being a stronger role model and focus on any damage that might already have been done. I know (really really deep down) that if I'm strong enough to break away we will be happier it just seems like such a massive mountain. and really really scary. to complicate thing his DD also lives with us and she adores me, shes 18 though now and knows I'll always be there for her. His other DD is 15 and lives with her mum (neither daughter gets on with mum) and she told us this weekend that she wants to go to college in the town we live in and live with us. he was over the moon as he's been trying to get her to live with us since she was 7. maybe its for the best if she doesn't anyway she never sees the worse of it, their mums not much use either, poor kids.

Ang, when he's not drinking I totally have the life I want it feels idyllic but I guess I'm just playing along, it's not real is it? and no I don't think he will ever stop.

I'm not exagerating either when I say this might kill him, he's really ill but won't get help. This really scares me.

~N_I_K_I~

He moved to my town when we met and has no family near and also works from home so it does make sense for me to leave, I think. I can stay with my mum and dad. probably just pay half of everything untill we can sell up....I'll have to look at this. I'm quite a few miles away from school/home and I usually get a lift from him to work as there is no parking. Have to be at work at 8 so I've arranged to drop DD at a friends house at 7.40 then leave my car on my driveway and get a taxi from there can't think of a better way. oh I'm rambling . When he sobers up and begs and crys later this week thats when i weaken, I really dont want to.

jamespir

so if you have been with him 8 years and hes been a alcholic all that time how come he hasnt sought help or somone suggested you both get help

~N_I_K_I~

Hi James, there has been some help. Therapy, drugs (anti-abuse), AA it just never lasts. I've been to al-anon too. Theres been some long spells without drink, i guess I just never stuck with the ultimatums.

1sue23

my husband would do the same when he was drinking , he would try to make us feel guilty and cause an argument ,as it then left him free to drink himself into oblivian with no one around to stop him or nag as he put it ,he would often turn on the children and his insults to them although not physical were very cruel and demeaning , my children have all grown up with low self confidence and are often unsure of themselves .
If I knew then what I know now I would have walked away and taken the children away I cannot recall one good family time, Christmas was a time to dread we all just lived waiting for the next binge , he will now more than likely be hoping that you feel sorry for him an alcoholic is full of self pity and finds it very easy to blame every one else .
Now this is going to sound harsh but by accepting his drinking and putting up with it you are going to make the problem worse you are allowing him to ruin your life and that of your children and that is not fair on them or yourself , you need to be very hard on him do not have him back in the house , start to be selfish think only of you and the children , he is an adult who chooses to drink he will not even begin to give up until he realises and accepts that he has a problem and to do this he needs to reach rock bottom .
It was only when I accepted I had to put myself and children first and yes it was very difficult to say the least ,I got him arrested and removed from my home and just let him sink he finaly started going to counselling via work and now goes to the AA every week ,next March he will have been six years sober and life is now as it should be ,my only regret is I did not act sooner .

jamespir

~N_I_K_I~ wrote: »

Hi James, there has been some help. Therapy, drugs (anti-abuse), AA it just never lasts. I've been to al-anon too. Theres been some long spells without drink, i guess I just never stuck with the ultimatums.

ok sorry to hear that my advice is if its possible have a break from each other for a fair period of time
and do it on the basis that he has to become sober and stick to
it

if you feel you given as much as you cna give then you have no option but to leave for good

~N_I_K_I~

Thanks James.x Thanks 1sue23 your post really made me cry I was waiting for the bit at the end where you left and have never been happier but I guess it can go another way.... I only feel certain at the moment that I wont let our lives continue in this way, whatever that takes. Thank you so much for replying tonight everyone, I really couldn't focus my mind and you've really helped me. I need to be up at 6 so best go get some rest (in my old single bed cuddled up with DD:)). Good night x

sandhawk2701

Just wanted to give you big (((((hugs)))) I know exactly where your coming from...... Please just rememer ITS NOT your fault.

I asked my OH of 20 years to leave because of his drinking which he did and took the beer from the fridge with him. That was 12 weeks ago,I won't lie and say its been easy.I have stood my ground and refused to let him back.
He is now seeking the help he needs as he has ended up in a mental health unit because he has tried to commit suiside 6 times in as many weeks.He is getting the help he needs and no I still wont have him back.
You and the children are worth far more than that.
Since he has moved out I have grown alot stronger,people have noticed a change in me I smile more, my eyes sparkle and I'mnever at home always doing stuff with friends or the kids. Home is alot more relaxed now the kids even do more to help out at home and my greatest achievemnet I feel (silly as it seems) I have money in the bank that is all mine I'm not over drawn unlike his account.

It is a tough choice to make,I thought long and hard about it, even went to CAB to get advice on my rights aswell as his, before I asked him to leave.

Will be thinking of you and your DD and just remember.......... ITs NOT YOUR FAULT...xxxxxxxxxxxx