How important is....

shazrobo

i dont think i could marry someone knowing that it would be unlikely we never had sex again.;

Mely

grastgirl wrote: »

I suspect it is important medically (and for your relationship) whether it is a lack of desire or a lack of ability. If he doesn't get erections at night/first thing there might be something medically wrong.

Hi op... the above post got me thinking. Does your fiance have erections at night and in the morning? Because if not perhaps he needs to get his testosterone levels checking at the dr`s. Or maybe there is another underlying medical problem that could be fixed with medication?

As for sex, it is very important in a marriage. It keeps the closeness and intimacy between a couple going. Which in my view without that, it isnt a marriage, its companionship! You are young and i cant see how you could live your life this way, as at some point you will need a proper, full relationship.
Please,please dont get married if this situation is not sorted out beforehand, as it will inevitably lead to heartbreak for you.
Mel xxXxx

pinkshoes

This is obviously bothering you given you've come online to ask advice, so you REALLY need to sort this out with your OH BEFORE you get married. If you can't sort things like this out, you really shouldn't be marrying the guy!

sarymclary

For me it would be a big problem, and I know it would be a big problem for OH too. We both have fairly evenly matched drives, which are possibly on the high side. We are also very intimate and loving outside of the bedroom. It doesn't need to be anything more than a squeeze of OH's bum, or I just ask him to give us a flash! We have fun, joke around, and just enjoy the closeness that our relationship brings.

Whilst we love each other deeply, and if anything were to happen to take away our sex life, such as illness/accident, it wouldn't end 'us', it would definitely be a real shame to lose that excitement, and 'electric' undercurrent that there is, knowing your OH fancies you, and that going to bed at the end of the day isn't the end of the day, but the start of the night sometimes.

I certainly couldn't commit to a lifetime with someone, knowing that this part of my life could well be lacking. A marriage is about commitment, compromise and totally giving yourself. OH needs to understand that he has to be able to discuss major issues such as this, for your future marriage to be a successful one. His reluctance to discuss matters shows a bit of immaturity, combined with possible embarrassment. Encourage him to discuss it further with you, and if he is simply lacking desire, it could well be a physical problem, that a doctor can help alleviate.

gingin_2

I think the fairest thing on you both is if you have this discussion asap, as awkward as it may be. If you have any niggles 2 months before the wedding they need to be ironed out.

Have you discussed wanting children? If it's something you and he want, how does he propose to get you pregnant, this could be a massive issue in your relationship years down the line, if it something that you want but he can't give.

What about counselling? I know a lovely lady who is a relationship counsellor who specialises in sexual relationship issues and she is the most unassuming 65 year old, not the typical overbearing therapists you see on tv - if he is worried about that sort of thing.

If he loves you, he needs to put aside his fears and open up to you.

Maddie

cherry blossom - just wanted to send you some (((hugs))) as it must be difficult to read all this and be in your situation. xx

londoner1998

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle wrote: »

Hmm strange one. I never really think about the amount of sex we have. Me and OH are both 24 but kind of like an old married couple already Been together nearly 9 years though.

Neither of us hold back when it comes to sex, just when it happens it happens if you like. Sometimes we don't have sex for up to 2 months, sometimes its 4 or 5 times a week. There is never a problem as we are always cuddly and loving to one another. I usually find kissing the best thing - most intimate if you like. OH loves it too.

Saying that when we sleep we always are close together (unless he is on nights of course) and we always wake and one of us has a arm or leg on the other. Almost like that is our way of staying intimate. Lol, i prob sound like a right plum but i hope you get what i mean.

I would be concerned if there was none, then again it'd prob take me a few months to realise there had been none. My OH is the same, lol!

Having said all that, being told you are not allowed to have sex has the opposite effect on us. I am pregnant at the mo with our second, i had alot of complications in the begging so was told to refrain from sex for 3 months. My god that was the hardest 3 months for both of us, lol!

I think you need to talk to him, even if he isn't a talker it's worth a try. Maybe tell him you still love him and it has nothing to do with losing feelings but you are just wondering why there has been this lack of doing the deed. And ask if you can try, have a nice sensual evening in, a bath or shower together is great and see if it leads on to some fun time

I can subscribe t that- me and Oh have been together for seven years now and we were both very aligned for the first 3-4... then my father died and I sort of disappeared through back hole for a good couple of years. I find that tiredness and totally different schedules can be a problem, but like Ellie-belle, I really need to feel the closeness- sex is important but much more to feel him round me, to hug, to kiss, ...I need to physically feel he is there, even though we can go without sex for a few weeks (record is 6 weeks when he was working all hours of the day and boy, did i suffer). My libido is still not what it used to be, but it is coming back and it is more important to me that he understands is not a lack of desire for him, but rather that I am putting the pieces of my old/new self together. Has he been working a lot, does he have money problems? Depression is one that puts sex at the bottom of the priority list... may be a check up would throw some light on this...

But I would say, caution if so early on your desire is mismatched up to that point so early on: you need to talk and get to the bottom of why this is happening- I think the bedroom is a good indicator of other things and if there are issues of depression, self-esteem, trust, sex or the lack of will tell.

In my experience is one of those things that the more you do, the more you want- if you stop for a length of time for whatever reason, you sex drive will go after a while. Talk to him without anger or recrimination and explain how you feel- is in both your interests that you discuss this...
Good luck

babymoo

Wouldn't bother me at all as long as the cuddles, kisses n love didn't disapear, that's when I would worry. I love my DP with everything I am and there is always other ways for sexual pleasure (no not cheating). Good luck

ManOnTheMoon

I think every relationship is different.

I think if you are wondering anything before a wedding, sex or otherwise, you need to find out before the day, if it really matters. These contracts cost alot to get out of.

Sex is good and fun, but if I met a lady I really loved who didn't want sex, as long as it wasn't because she was repulsed by me or some other bizarre reason, i'd accept it. You can find someone to have sex with easily, finding someone to love is alot harder.

But i reiterate, if you have any concerns, you need to air them before you get married. If a relationship is to work, it needs communication.

Best of luck!

Ruby_Moon

windswept wrote: »

Go on to mumsnet and see how the lack of sex kills relationships, lots of very unhappy women on there contemplating affairs - a woman's sex drive increases as she gets older, especially once child rearing is done with, think how you would feel if you are absolutely desperate for sex and you have a husband who continually rejects you.
Great sex, along with intimacy, is essential in a marriage, he needs his testosterone levels checked asap to see if he has physical issues - this will destroy you eventually, it will be like a cancer eating away at your self esteem.

If you are like this now, after such a short time, how will you feel after 25 years?

One person withdrawing from sex (long term for no apparent reason) in a marriage is a deal breaker imho.

You deserve better and so does he, I can't imagine being happy in my marriage without fantastic sex .

What if you couldn't have sex? Would you have an affair then? Or let your husband?
Sex isn't needed in a relationship but intimacy is. You can get intimacy from lots of things, sex is just one of them.
The op's husband isn't continually rejecting her and it wouldn't really matter if he did if they had got married knowing that sex wasn't going to be often.
Many woman contemplate affairs not because they want lots of sex but because they are bored of the sex they are getting. The spark has gone, the butterflies don't flutter by anymore and they are generally fed up but they justify it by telling everyone that their husband is usless/lazy/uncaring/unhelpful etc