Ok, need help

Bunster_2

Thank you, going home to sort it out, he really is a fab bloke and you've just heard the bad side, but he has some issues that perhaps I have ignored.

Ames

I'm going to be blunt here.

1. Provident aren't loan sharks. Their APR is high, but they're not going to put your windows through! They come to your door every week because their loans are aimed at people on very low incomes who don't have facilities to pay through direct debits etc. From what I've read on here, they're amenable to DMP's too.

2. Who the hell are you to be telling him to go bankrupt? He wouldn't have 1000pm spare anyway, because a chunk of it would be taken by the Official Receiver. It sounds like his access to credit has been cut off anyway, and he'll be defaulting soon enough which will mess his credit score up for 6 years anyway. It's up to him to decide on a course of action which will be best for him after taking appropriate advice.

3. Why did he go to his mum? Maybe because the woman he shares his life with, who's meant to be there for him, was shouting and screaming. You've come on here, why shouldn't he have a shoulder to cry on?

4. How on earth didn't you notice his board was reduced? If you take so little notice of your finances, it's a bit unfair to have a go at him for his.

I'm not saying what he's done is right, but I think you're being very unsupportive. If your finances are separate then getting into debt is nothing to do with you. He has crossed the line by not paying you the full board, and should have told you. But really, it's not surprising he acts like a teenager when you treat him like one. If you never talk about money, how was he supposed to bring it up with you? And maybe he thought you could afford to help him out and was hoping he'd be back on his feet before you noticed?

For_Keeps

SmudgeUK wrote: »

I a ging to be blunt too.......

.

Also, you said you are the main money earner, I bet your bottom dollar, that you make sure he knows this also, and he is trying to keep up with the Jones.

Why do i know this, because my partner earns way more than me, and probably more than 4 accountants altogether, and yes i am in debt from a prior seperation from ex, and she used to expect to go out for dinner 3 four times a week, and you expect a bloke to sit there and not pay there half, I was getting into more debt cause of her lifestyle.

She also takes the same stance that whats her is hers, and its her house etc, and guess what I havent moved in, and wont whilst it is like this, as i believe in partners being EQUAL, its not about who has what, but what you cando for each other.

Infact if he had of left you the way you sound i wouldnt blame him.

I'm going to be blunt as well here.

You're not being blunt but just rude. How the hell can you judge another persons situation based on your own??

I thought this site was about helping people not to take pot shots!!

tlc123_2

OK I think we get it!! There's no need for us to all start getting a bit feisty!! i think the thing is that for many of us this thread strikes a real chord.

No one can know what goes on behind closed doors, we can only give advice on a situation as it's presented to us. We should be blunt at times (and I was in my earlier post) but we also need to be respectful and supportive - that is why people come on here after all.

It sounds like Bunster knows her plan, and when she sees him she'll realise what a state he's in and that by talking about getting another loan, it's because he's grasping at straws to sort himself out. But I think it is slightly unfair to say he's stolen from her- I don't think that's what he was doing, he was just too ashamed to admit what a mess he's in.

Hopefully they'll both be back on later tonight with an update on how it went!
T x

Buffythedebtslayer

Oh Bunster, you are a better woman than me, the whole less rent then he said he pay thing would have had me kicking him out! I do see it as stealing I guess and I wouln't have any sympathy9but maybe that is the wine!).

He must be in a desperate mess, you just becareful - don't offer to pay anything, he is a grown man etc.


Hope you are feeling better tonight.

Ames

I'm sorry for my earlier post, I went too far and could have put my point across a lot better. I just got really angry at the thought of the OP telling him (not suggesting) to go bankrupt. I think there are a lot of problems in this relationship which go far too deep for someone to explain in a couple of posts on a forum.

OP, I'm sorry for being rude.

System

I reckon the best thing for Bunster and her OH is to seek professional advice from Citizen's Advice or one of the debt charities. That way you can both see what is owed, and to whom, and can decide whether or not DMP/Bankruptcy is the way forward based on what you are advised.

Bankruptcy stays on your record for seven years but, like you say Bunster, without help his debts will probably be hanging round for that long anyway.

One poster on here saud that everything is equal if you live with someone and, to a point, this is true. However if your OH can't be trusted with money (and clearly, he can't) then it is best not to have his name on your mortgage as you don't want to lose the roof over your head. Yes, this will make the relationship lop-sided, but that's just the way it has to be until the OH can sort his debts and spending habits out.

Hope all went well with your chat tonight, Bunster!

milliemonster

Maybe I've got this wrong but I don't understand all this stealing from you business, you have a joint account I take it that he is putting money into for bills (but not enough??) or taking money out of there that you haven't kept track of??

Surely if you have been living together for 7 years and by the sounds of things you see your future together, why is it still 'my money and his money'?? I just don't get this at all I really don't. Me and my hubby both work and earn but I don't see it as my money and his money, it's 'our money' jointly for our lives and our family?, we both have a separate account that a little bit of money goes into each month for our own personal use but the rest of our wages both go into one account, debt repayments for him and me come out of here along with all other bills and it works really well.

Bunster_2

Thanks guys to the ones that have helped me and have been nice.

I sounded off on here so as not to do to him, does that sense, I needed to get it into prospective in my mind.

I never noticed the money was less because I do earn quite a bit of money so don't take much notice on what goes in and out, everything is paid by DD so I don't have much need to look in my bank account. I never felt the need to check he put his board in because I trusted him. I only found out, because I had just got internet banking and was looking at it while at work. If he had asked me for money I would of given it to him, he didn't have to steal from me.

Last night was totally amazing we both have big hangovers, we had a couple for bottles of wine and sat up talking for hours. I told him how hurt I was about the stealing, I also said what if I wasn't so financially strong I might not of been able to pay the mortgage and we could of lost the house, he said he just didn't even think about that, he said he has been asking himself all day why he has been doing it and he can't find a real reason. I don't know about his money, he doesn't about mine, so for all he knew I could of been skint, he has been stealing for months too.

Anyway we're going to do a spreadsheet later, put all the stuff on it, he is left with no spare cash after everything is paid, so we could do with reducing it all. The CAB are calling back on Monday and he will go and see them and talk about the debt.

We don't have a joint account, our money is separate, he just gives me £400 a month which I use to help cover the bills and food, my mortgage is £650 a month, then all bills on top of that, but everything comes out of my bank (I had my house long before I met him), he didn't have his own place so he moved in with me.

I feel really positive this morning, we had a really good talk. I asked him if he felt I made him feel less of a man and talked to him like a child, he said not at all in fact he found that funny, he said it needs one of us to be sensible. I can't help being so pragmatic, that's the way I am, he knows what I am like. He is very annoyed at his Mom ringing me but I said not to tell her, because ultimately she thought she was helping, I was just extremely annoyed at the time.

Will keep you updated, thanks again

Bunster_2

He said he's always been the same too (it all come out last night) he said his ex girlfriend (when he was with her) gave him money to get her car tax while he was in the town, but he just went to the pub and spent it. He has also stole from his best mate too. If you're a bit of a thief can you change? I wont be leaving my cash lying around again and will set up a dd for my board at lest then the temptation to stick it in his pocket is gone.