We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum. This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are - or become - political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
Ok, need help
Comments
-
OK just spoke to him, there are four loans and overdraft, some are quite high amounts, he said he rang up the bank for a loan again today argggggghhhh but they refused (thank god), he said he wanted to consolidate the loans and get some cash to get a car for when he is driving.
I said look, you're not getting a loan for a car you're getting more and more in debt, I said we need settlement figures for everything so we can have a look, but taking on more debt means you'll never be debt free.
Can he go bankrupt, it may stop all this silliness if he can't get loans etc0 -
Can I offer a tiny bit of advice. Try writing what you want to say and read it back to yourself, see how its sounds to you because sometimes when we try to say things they sometimes come out wrong. (I know this is going to sound silly) but sometimes its easier to write a letter to your OH because he can read it without no tone or body language which could sometimes eliminate a response thats not genuine.
I don't know if any of you on here work in the psychology field but I've had a few cases where this worked. There are 2 reasons why I'm saying this.
1) Men seem to feel belittled when being told home truths more so than a woman.
2) You mentioned an age difference of 10 years. In my experience people tend to become defensive when the younger person is the one doing the telling.
Ultimately he is your partner and after more than 7 years you should know better than anyone how he will react to this but I hope my 2 penny worth helps0 -
oops!!! took me so long to write my post you already done the job
Good Luck0 -
Hi
I feltI had to come in and just defend the BF a bit. I am in a simialr position to him, or have been. Spending money for the sake of spending and ending up in debt. then getting debts to pay debt and before you know it it spirals. i have been with my BF for 7 years, lived together for 3. While he knew I was in debt he didn't now until recently how much.
Lets not forget he's not on here to give us his side of the story. But can you just think about how he might be feeling?
if i were him I would feel like s**t if I disclosed all that (which no doubt Im already so ashamed of and probably not sleeping due to it) and I got that response from my partner, i would feel like my world was crumbling. If you're not that type of person then you can't understand but I am so I can.
My advice to you would be more supportive of him and instead of giving him a rollocking like he's a child, be practical and help him put a solid plan of action into place. In my view, if you're in a relationship and living together then of course your debts are each other's business and he shouldn't have paid you less than he should have. BUt that's done.
But clearly there is a reason he felt he couldn't tell you. Why do you think that might be if youre honest? he was probably worried you'd react like this.
I can empathise with you, but having been him, i also feel for him. I bet all my money (haha) that you can't make him feel any worse than he already is and he needs his partner - he probably just needs a hug, not a telling off
Best of luck
tLong Haul Supporter #203:beer:0 -
He has rang me up crying saying he will do anything if it means that we can stay together, cricky I must be a good shag (just kidding ) . I said when I get back tonight we will go through it all. I asked if he had consider going bankrupt but he said he can't as he wont be able to get finance (kind of the point) I pointed out without all the debt he would have £1k a month to spend and wouldn't actually need it. He said it would be years before he could have any again, but Is aid it would be years before it's paid off anyway and if you keep taking loans to pay loans it will never end.
I think I am just thinking of ideas, maybe and IVA thingy would be a good idea, I don't want to see him struggle but at the same time I am guessing without the pain of paying it off he wont ever stop doing it.
Thank you so much again and wish me luck, I don't mean to treat him like a kid, but he acts like one sometimes0 -
Thats what i was thinking, tlc123. Completely agree with your post.DFD: 21st June 20120
-
Hi
I feltI had to come in and just defend the BF a bit. I am in a simialr position to him, or have been. Spending money for the sake of spending and ending up in debt. then getting debts to pay debt and before you know it it spirals. i have been with my BF for 7 years, lived together for 3. While he knew I was in debt he didn't now until recently how much.
Lets not forget he's not on here to give us his side of the story. But can you just think about how he might be feeling?
if i were him I would feel like s**t if I disclosed all that (which no doubt Im already so ashamed of and probably not sleeping due to it) and I got that response from my partner, i would feel like my world was crumbling. If you're not that type of person then you can't understand but I am so I can.
My advice to you would be more supportive of him and instead of giving him a rollocking like he's a child, be practical and help him put a solid plan of action into place. In my view, if you're in a relationship and living together then of course your debts are each other's business and he shouldn't have paid you less than he should have. BUt that's done.
But clearly there is a reason he felt he couldn't tell you. Why do you think that might be if youre honest? he was probably worried you'd react like this.
I can empathise with you, but having been him, i also feel for him. I bet all my money (haha) that you can't make him feel any worse than he already is and he needs his partner - he probably just needs a hug, not a telling off
Best of luck
t
Thanks, it's not the debt I am unsupportive of, but he has been helping himself to a couple of hundred quid a month out of my money. Thankfully I am an accountant so earn a decent wage, but if I wasn't I would of been in a mess too. I do love him, but lets be honest you would be annoyed if someone had been stealing money, especially when it's been for silly stuff, he can do that to himself, but dragging me down with him is a bit unfair.0 -
Just to add, it's not the debt I am angry about, when I posted the first post I was ranting, as I only found out about the debt after I found out he had been stealing from me.0
-
I think you may have bigger issues here than just money. But until you get through the immediate money issues, you cannot tackle the trust issues or perhaps even think seriously about whether this is a relationship you want to be in in another 10 years.The person who has not made a mistake, has made nothing0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 346.6K Banking & Borrowing
- 251.4K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 451.4K Spending & Discounts
- 238.8K Work, Benefits & Business
- 614.3K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 174.8K Life & Family
- 252.1K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards