Ok, need help

Bunster_2

euronorris wrote: »

I'm not sure you can 'get out of it' as such.

I think the only option is to throw as much money as possible at it until it is cleared. But, check the T&C's first and ensure they don't apply charges for this.

thank you for this, I will check the paper work later.

euronorris

Bunster wrote: »

He coudn't speak to me about taking a loan was because, he knows I would say not to do it as it's to buy magazines, star wars figures, concert tickets and dvd's, this is what he's spent it on, he is 40 years old and has some sort of OCD where he buys stuff an doesn't even open it. Now I think £1000 a month to spend that on is enough without going and taking loans :rolleyes:

If this is the case then it sounds like he could benefit from counselling in general, not djust ebt counselling.

Has he spoken to his GP or anyone else about this compulsion? Has he ever given you any insight into why he does it. As odd as it sounds, he must be getting something out of it (however brief the feeling may be), otherwise he wouldn't do it.

Were his parents particularly tight, unnecessarily so perhaps and he's been rebelling ever since?

System

euronorris wrote: »

If this is the case then it sounds like he could benefit from counselling in general, not djust ebt counselling.

Has he spoken to his GP or anyone else about this compulsion? Has he ever given you any insight into why he does it. As odd as it sounds, he must be getting something out of it (however brief the feeling may be), otherwise he wouldn't do it.

Were his parents particularly tight, unnecessarily so perhaps and he's been rebelling ever since?

I agree. If he's still like this at the age of 40 and has been in this mess before then it sounds like it's something deeper than just a need to spend. Let's face it, most of us on here are here because we've had a problem managing our finances but most of us learnt our lesson the hard way and it sounds like your bf just hasn't (or he has, but he's incapable of doing anything about it for some reason). I would definitely agree that some kind of counselling could be beneficial.

I think you're very brave to be so supportive for so long. But do not under any circumstances let him get his name on your mortgage or any other of your financial commitments!

Bunster_2

His Mom is the same to be honest, she orders stuff from catalogues in other peoples names (or at least she did), she is 75, in fact she has just rang me up to tell me he has rang her and she rang me to tell me he is sorry, I ended telling her it wasn't her business, I mean !!!!!! why has he run to his mom. What a mess, I am really upset, I am upset about provident they're loan sharks, apparently someone goes to my house once a month while I am at work to collect the cash, how will this stand if I kick him out will they put my windows through? I had some money at home too, that has gone as well. I rang up provident just they said if I want them to go then we have to pay back double the amount of the loan, that's £1000 to get them off my back, I am so upset could proper cry.

For_Keeps

Bunster wrote: »

His Mom is the same to be honest, she orders stuff from catalogues in other peoples names (or at least she did), she is 75, in fact she has just rang me up to tell me he has rang her and she rang me to tell me he is sorry, I ended telling her it wasn't her business, I mean !!!!!! why has he run to his mom. What a mess, I am really upset, I am upset about provident they're loan sharks, apparently someone goes to my house once a month while I am at work to collect the cash, how will this stand if I kick him out will they put my windows through? I had some money at home too, that has gone as well. I rang up provident just they said if I want them to go then we have to pay back double the amount of the loan, that's £1000 to get them off my back, I am so upset could proper cry.

Well after reading that I'm convinced he needs help big time and quick. I'm really sorry to have to say this but can he be spending the money on something else? like drugs?

Bunster_2

No not drugs thankfully, although it was I could deal with that and move on, he has the odd smoke of dope but it's more of a social thing and he doesn't spend so much money on that. It's stupid stuff like cd's and dvd's they are literally piled up each wall of the house.

the_cat

Bunster - what a rotten thing to find out!

The first thing I would say is that I would find the major issue is the abuse of trust and stealing. Only you can decide if this is something you can deal with but until you decide this, you can't move onto the next phase (either by chucking him out or helping him sort it). Not an easy decision to make and certainly not one you should be making whilst still shocked and angry. Do nothing drastic until you have had a chance to rationalise. Insist on going through ALL his statements etc and getting the full picture and maybe take a day or two to decide. Perhaps get him to go visit his mum for the weekend and take a bit of space for yourself to think

euronorris

For_Keeps wrote: »

Well after reading that I'm convinced he needs help big time and quick. I'm really sorry to have to say this but can he be spending the money on something else? like drugs?

Agreed! He needs help quick!

It seems his Mum never set a good example either.

Get him to start selling all that stuff he's bought on Ebay. The profits will go some way to clearing the debt.

As for Provident....mmmmm.....have you seen the paperwork yet? I assume not as you are at work, but I wouldn't take what they have told you over the phone at face value. They could just be trying their luck.

Also, I would write to them and advice them that they will now receive their payments in another form (cheque, bank transfer etc) and therefore, they should no longer attend your property for collection.

If he was to leave your house, legally, they can't do anything to you. The debt is in his name, and his name alone. This doesn't mean they won't try to collect it though, but be firm with them.

Now, the money in the house. Can I assume then that your OH has stolen this? Either to pay a debt or buy something else he doesn't need? If so, then this is a big problem. It's theft, pure and simple. Reducing his board payments to you could also be seen in the same light, but I was prepared to go a little easier on that as he wasn't directly taking the funds from you and it could be said that he made a stupid mistake. (I'm not sure I explained myself very well there )

Literally stealing funds from you cannot be excused however. There's pre-meditation there and he KNEW it was stealing when he did it, no excuses.

It's up to you where you go from now, but perhaps take some time and space to get your head round things before making any life changing decisions.

RAS

Bunster wrote: »

No not drugs thankfully, although it was I could deal with that and move on, he has the odd smoke of dope but it's more of a social thing and he doesn't spend so much money on that. It's stupid stuff like cd's and dvd's they are literally piled up each wall of the house.

Well that sorts out the provident loan then. He can list them on amazon and use the money to pay the provo off.

Bunster_2

Thank you so much, I can not tell you how much your replies mean to me, my head has been all over the place today, from upset, angry to feeling totally let down.

I set a board amount as that is what he wanted to do and it worked for me, I get paid at the end of the month he mid month, so I got him to put in a set amount a month into my bank (which has been short), I never noticed because I trusted him, but now understand why I keep going into my overdraft. Had he of wanted to of split the bills in half that would of suited me more because I would of been better off, but being as I earn more, I thought it was fairer for me to pay the most, as I wanted us to have a nice life and for him not feel he had to struggle with money like I always have had to. He is nearly ten years older than me though and I might make him sounds like a child but he is acting like one at the minute. If he had mismanaged his money I could understand (I have done that), or he got into debt spending money fixing a car (he doesn't drive) but it's stealing for things he neither wants nor needs.

I am going to talk to him later and try and be calm and see what and where he's gone wrong, if he doesn't want to do that, then fair enough, but that is the end of the road for us if he can't discuss it, because if there is secrets as well as the mistrust then I don't see where we can go from here.

Apparently the provident isn't the only loan, there is more plus credit cards and an overdraft, he said the banks wouldn't lend him anymore money so he went to provident too.