Potentially homeless teenager

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

DD1's BF (16 years old) is a lovely lad. He's polite, gentle and generally a pleasure to be around.

He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was small, back in Germany (where he is from), and took Ritalin for many years, hating how dozy it made him. He stopped taking it a couple of years ago.

He has his moments of impulsiveness/frustration/etc but he is perfectly well behaved round here - possibly because it is an extremely quiet place, other than when music is being practiced. He likes coming here to play on our keyboard, do homework, etc. DD2 definitely has similar tendencies, but I have always kept anything that seems to trigger her out of the place, so his having ADHD isn't a problem for me.

His parents have had a hard time dealing with it, as his behaviour when he was younger was pretty shocking. However, even with the general daft comments and things that teenagers can come up with, what happened a couple of days ago is, in my eyes, completely unacceptable.

He turned up at mine having walked 2 miles barefoot and without a coat, because he had said something silly/rude and his father (who is immensely strong - a plasterer by trade, so massive upper body strength) had picked him up, thrown him on the floor and proceeded to punch and kick him until he struggled free and escaped.

I don't care what he said - whatever way you look at it, I feel it is abuse, however big he is. He is the epitome of a gentle giant and must have been terrified to come back here in such a state.

I would like to let him stay here - but I have nowhere to put him. DD1 shares with 10 year old DD2 in a small room. My room is tiny and DD2 can't share with me because my CPAP machine (which maintains my airways at night) would keep her awake. I only have a two seater sofa and the boy is 6'2" already.

I have told DD1 to go with him to their college advisors, because they must have plenty of dealings with teenagers becoming homeless/pregnant/needing help.

Ordinarily, I would say just look for a houseshare, but with his ADHD and the fact that English isn't his first language, I am not sure that sharing with a bunch of unrelated people is really the safest/best option for him. I honestly think that, because of all this, he is one of the people for whom the local authority should consider for self contained accommodation, as I cannot imagine him coping with his studies with the distractions of other people - and knowing the people who tend to live in HMOs around here, I think he would actually be at risk.

If he could get somewhere near to us, I would be happy to provide as much practical support as possible (teaching him budgeting, cleaning, cooking, etc), particularly as the poor boy has no family in the country to help.

Has anyone had any experience of teenagers with additional needs being housed by the council? Am I hoping for too much for him, or is he going to have to either sleep on our floor or go to a hostel with loads of addicts and the mentally unwell for the foreseeable future until he gets to go to University?

Any advice would be gratefully received - he never asked to have ADHD, he never asked to have a violent parent and I am sure he deserves to have someone actually care about him.

[Deleted User]

I think I would advise him to report the attack by his father to the police,then I would go with him to discuss all this with social services,other than that i`m lost for words that any family can throw out a 16 year old son who has issues.
I really do hope that things turn out well for him,and admire your concern.

Fire_Fox

In the first instance is a blow-up airbed on your living room floor an option, it might slot behind the sofa in the daytime?

Secondly does this young lad have a GP that he could speak to? He will probably need letters of support to get any special consideration for housing. Could you speak to the District Care Trust and see if he can be assigned a social worker? Are there any community or voluntary groups in your area that specialise in troubled youngsters, ADHD or German 'ex-pats'? Any one of these might have the knowledge, experience or contacts to find a way forward.

Normally youngsters get a lower level of LHA, as they are expected to share accommodation not have self-contained. To get bumped up the council housing list you need 'points' and that takes time and effort to put together a case. Would he be suited to becoming (the right) someone's only lodger?

poet123

There are always two sides to every story. I work with kids who have the condition you describe, and it can be very wearing. Also they do tend to act differently (worse?) at home than anywhere else. Whilst his Father was obviously in the wrong, you may not be fully aware of the full circumstances of the incident having only heard one side of the story, and one, which from experience will have been "edited"

In my opinion you should be wary of allowing him and his family to become more alienated from each other, by providing unconditional support or encouragement for him to cut himself off from them you are facilitating this. What if he and your daughter fell out? he would have no one, as you would undoubtedly come down on her side, not his.

The best thing you can do is to arbitrate between them, and try to facilitate a family solutuion, not help him isolate himself from them.

From your comments it seems to me that you are of the mindset that he has cut his ties with them irrevocably, and that it is final and long term. IMO that is a mistake, and very short sighted.

Oldernotwiser

I have to agree with Poet; if you want to help, you should liaise between this young man and his family, rather than encouraging him to separate from them.

One fight (and I'll agree that the father seems to have acted badly) doesn't mean that he's estranged from his family and it would be a great shame if this situation were to be encouraged.

I'm sure that you mean really well but I think that you need to keep some distance in this situation. When he and your daughter split up (as is quite likely) she won't want him living in her house or to have her family so closely involved with him. You say that he has no family in this country to help him,which is obviously not the case; even if the time is right for him to leave home, there's no reason why his own family can't be giving him the help and support that you are offering.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I honestly don't care how obnoxious he was at home - he was black and blue. Sending him back to that would be wrong. And in any case, his mother has said to me that his father doesn't want him living there as he is 16 and should have left before now. (?????) My German isn't particularly good but I could understand the stuff that was being shouted at her from across the room as I was on the phone to her. It boiled down to he would get more of the same if he saw him again. Oh, and the beatings have apparently been a regular thing since he was very small.



An airbed is going to be the only choice for the time being, I think. It is very cold at night though - he would be right next to the balcony door and the window has permanently open vents due to the damp and mould growth in the flat.

Thanks for your advice - I shall start looking for those organisations. I am hoping that their college will be able to help with social workers and the like tomorrow, but I am not convinced that lodging would be right for him, as he doesn't really sleep more than about 4 hours a night.

They will be at DD1's father's this weekend, so I will find out what is said tomorrow on Monday evening. Hopefully, they will come back with him feeling more positive as he has done something to help himself out of the situation.

I feel really guilty that I can't take him in properly - if I had the three bedroom place I've been waiting for (on medical grounds), he would have been able to stay, no problems. (Money would be tight - the amount a lad that size eats is astounding - but I'm sure I could have managed).

It doesn't seem right forcing him to grow up a good couple of years too soon.

He may look like a man, and supposedly be big enough to look after himself, but he's our Gentle German Giant and we love him.

[sigh] why do people have kids and then do this to them?

[double sigh] and why is it, that after taking in assorted homeless animals over the years, I now end up with a homeless boy?

Fire_Fox

Because you are a good person and undoubtedly much loved by friends, family and assorted homeless animals! :A He should be able to get some state financial support whilst staying with you I think? Anything will help out with the day to day expenses.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Thanks Firefox! [blushes]. I think the college should be able to advise him on this, as far as I can tell, he should be entitled to IS and EMA, possibly HB when he gets somewhere to live. (If there's no joy by the time the weather gets warmer, DD1 may find herself the proud owner of a campervan, however - I spent a long hot summer as a teenager with the mailing address 'Green Commer G** ***N, bottom car park by Lifeboat ramp)

I'm not too worried at the moment, because I can stick to vegetarian food if necessary, but hopefully things should be sorted before I start feeling the pinch too much!

Kay_Peel

I agree with the posters who advise you to take a step back. You are kind, well-meaning and feel that you are keeping the boy safe from harm. But you are also trying to find solutions without involving his family and that may be unsuitable for him in both the long and short term.

It would be different if his mother had asked you to take him for a few nights for some respite. It would also be different if social services had asked you to do the same thing while they tried to find some accommodation for him. In both those circumstances you would have being doing a kindness and helping the situation.

Instead you are taking control and interfering in the life of a vulnerable boy whom you don't really know. You only see the polite and respectful side of him.

I would phone his mother and ask her where she wants the boy to stay during the family crisis. If need be, the mother should arrange any short-term stay-over with a family member or trusted family friend. If she says he is to return home, then do not stand between them and break the bonds of their relationship. By interfering, you may be doing great damage.

Molly41

Hi,
First I would like to say that I'm totally against any form of violence. However I do think you need to exercise caution and give the parents a chance to remedy that situation and give their version of events. I have a DS1 (18) who has ADD and like you have always managed it...right from when he was a toddler with routine and a calm environment. However when he hit 16 things went haywire and as a family he has pushed us to our very limits and continues to do so. A few months ago I left the house as I could not cope with him and his horrid behaviour and his dad has had to physically remove him from situatuions with his younger siblings to protect them.

Now fast forward to a week ago...my youngest son (13) is in a discussion with an old teacher of DS1. This teacher thought the sun shone out of DS1...how he was so considerate...so caring...so respectful. How it must be lovely to have a big bro like him. Genuinely confused DS3 comes home and asks me why he is so different out the house? He cant understand it and neither can I but thats how it is.

So I hope he gets the help he needs and his family needs. They are in crisis and they all need help.

Molly

DX2

As a vunerable child/adult you should be contacting social services on his behalf.