Getting your faith back in the other sex

alyth

lil, you have to be strong - 18 months ago my partner of 15 years walked out on me one Sunday morning - it took me over a year to get over him, and to be honest even now I occasionally contact him. There was a picture that I wanted that was in the house we had had (he's there now with his newbie & baby!) and he came along tonight with the picture.

He walked into my perfect little cottage looking as if he's been down a coal mine - clothes covered in paint, baseball cap on (he's 40 soon) and fatter than ever. he slagged off (what was our) joint dog, was his usual patronising self, we sat and had a coffee in the sitting room and he got up and I noticed that his zip was undone! Pointed it out to him (obviously!) but you know what, it was at that point tonight that I realised he was someone that I had put on a pedestal and still looked up to and sought his advice. I'm 39, at college on an access course and quite frankly acted like a total idiot in front of him tonight, telling him about my achievements (nothing great, just passing my exams!) and I am sitting here throwing wine down my neck, not in sorrow, in happiness because I am away from his prententious and quite frankly ponsy life of only speaking to those who are good enough, only talking about how much you earn, etc.

Because of what he did to me I have kind of turned into a bitter middle aged woman, I'm on a dating site called plentyoffish and a couple of guys that I've been emailing pointed this out to me, so I will be reining in my bitterness and not living my solitary life and maybe leaving the house once in a while.

Don't be harsh on yourself, be strong, I'm sure there are nice guys out there, I've met a few and pushed them out of my life as I realise now, take every opportunity that comes up to go out and meet people, and realise that you and your ex were not meant to be.

worriedsik

Thanks brighton.....if all else fails i have my cats lol ..i will keep believing and having hope as do i hope the OP does also as she is much younger and has lots off time .....your story lifted my spirits and gave me hope x

glitterycloud

You need to tell your ex to leave you alone and to stop texting you so you are able to have some space from him.
My ex husband finished things on boxing day about 5 years ago, I was heartbroken and devastated. He kept on being in touch for about 2 weeks, wanting to meet up, asking how I was, until I finally built up the courage to say if you don't want to be with me then leave me alone.

I spent 6 months in a total downward spiral and when I had the lowest self esteem was when I met my now husband. I had built thick brick walls up all around me as no one was going to hurt me again but my dh was patient and considerate and let me take my time getting to know him. I hated all men before I met my dh and thought all men were rats.

My dh changed my view on men, he has taught me that there are some really horrible men out there but there are kind, caring ones too. We took it slow and one by one my walls came down and I was able to show him the love that he had showed me from day one.

What I am trying to say is at the moment all men probably look like rats to you but when you are least expecting it you will find someone worthy of your love.

morocha

what a nice threat !... I am 25 yo and have a 2 yo little girl..My oh leaves me a day an wants me back two days after... our relationship has been like this for 3 years and i am heartbroken ,i don't think i can take it any longer... today after two lovely days together... ( yes it is sad, in this relationship every day counts as we can not manage to be together for a week) he said he wants to be alone, this doesn't work and i feel like such an idiot... i keep thiking( hoping) he will ever change and realizing what he is got.
I know, well people tell me, that i am good looking but my self steem is so low, it is always been, i think if i leave, no one will ever want me, also i have a little girl and i want her to have a dad and to be with him.
Sorry for posting this in your threat op...

sarymclary

lilmiss - I'm sure you can block the emails from your ex. If you check the security/privacy settings on your email account there should be an option to do this. If you're not very tech savvy, then ask the guys over on the Tech part of the forum for advice. I've found them very helpful.

Here's my little story:
I was a very shy young woman, and was very inexperienced with men. Part of that was due to me having been an overweight teen, and avoiding situations. All my friends had boyfriends, and I remained the loyal single mate :rolleyes: In my early 20's I was still very much single, very much inexperienced, and very much unhappy. I'd form attachments to people in my mind, so I'd have a crush on any guy who showed me a bit of kindness, or friendship. I decided to take control of my life aged 22, and I lost a lot of weight, and changed the outside, but inside I was still painfully shy. I had a couple of dating experiences, but they were emotionally unfulfilling.

It was at this point in my life when I bumped into an old schoolfriend, who had led a very similar life, had just lost a lot of weight, but was relationship inexperienced too. I think the familiarity of having known each other several years previously helped break down barriers of confidence. We had a whirlwind romance, and were engaged within 14 days, and married a year later!:eek: Although the marriage didn't last forever, as I'd hoped, we were together 12 years, and it was my ex's personal issues that led to us not being together. When I came out of that relationship, I'd had several children, and my ex pushed all my low self-esteem buttons in order to make me feel worthless, but I now realise it was because that was how he was feeling, and needed me to feel the same way.

I joined an online dating site, and discovered that men actually did find me attractive, and liked me! A revelation in my mid-30's I have to say. So, I had a few dates, kissed a few frogs, realised that men have baggage too (another revelation), that some men want an extra-marital bit of fun (not so much a revelation, but a new one for me) and approach newly separated women for easy 'no frills' action! However, in amongst all of this, I did meet a couple of really nice men. One of them wanted to marry me, but it was a bit too soon, and too intense for me, and that was when I had the biggest revelation: I had a choice!:T Just because a man asked me out, didn't mean I had to go, or had to want to go out with them again after one. This helped to boost my confidence, and create a feeling of self-worth.

When I met my now OH, I was quite content being a single lady, and feeling like I was steering my own boat on a journey of my own choosing. OH was a single dad to one of my son's friends, and we got to know one another in that capacity. There was an odd 'connection', and because the situations we met were with children, and so innocent, we didn't act on it initially. Eventually he asked me to go out on a date, and the rest, as they say, is history. He is the complete opposite of my ex. He tells me daily how much he values me, how wonderful he thinks I am, and how lucky he feels to have me. I know I've met my true soulmate, because he's as daft as I am, and we can both be truly ourselves with each other. There we were, both heading towards 40, and resigning ourselves to being single parents, and happy with that, when we both crossed each other's paths. It was a form of destiny, I'm sure. You don't have any control over when it's going to happen, but it does, when you least expect it.

I am a great believer that you tend to meet a person of mutual self-esteem, and when I met my ex, I wasn't in a good enough place on that level. I know, looking back at pictures of myself now, that I was more than worthy of him, and then some! When I met my current OH I was more than happy with who I was, possibly a bit on the big headed side, but that was no bad thing, but he's a bit of a dish anyway!

So what I'm really saying, is that I echo the thoughts of other posters, that you have to be truly happy with who you are, and once you achieve that, it doesn't really matter whether you meet someone else anyway, but when you do, they'll be truly deserving of you, and vice versa.

In the meantime, we're all more than reliable to support you along the journey from here!:D

lilmissmup

Thanks for all posts.

He actually emailed me again last night, he got a reply begging him to leave me alone and nothing since.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life, its gonna be so hard I know as hes been in my life for nearly seven years and i lived with him for over six but I have actually been getting ill from all of this, I told him that too.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow, I have a history of depression, not sure they will give me anything though but I could do with something to take the edge off even for a while, not sure if I need to see a counsellor, though it might help.

worriedsik

lilmissmup wrote: »

Thanks for all posts.

He actually emailed me again last night, he got a reply begging him to leave me alone and nothing since.

So today is the first day of the rest of my life, its gonna be so hard I know as hes been in my life for nearly seven years and i lived with him for over six but I have actually been getting ill from all of this, I told him that too.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow, I have a history of depression, not sure they will give me anything though but I could do with something to take the edge off even for a while, not sure if I need to see a counsellor, though it might help.

It will make you ill, it drags you down lilmiss but once you have space between you and him you can start to heal
get out and about swimming etc take your mind off him, i hope he stops bothering you because it can be easy to be sucked back in especialy when you care about him but eventually you have to care about yourself xx

lilmissmup

I don't hold out much hope he will leave me alone completely, think its a lot of he doesn't want me (whatever he says some days....) but doesn't want anyone else to have me so tries to keep me hanging.

Thanks for your posts though hun. I know I have to be strong now, most I have gone without contact is 10 days since we split and then he would text me but he doesn't have my number now. I did manage over a month without seeing him and 3 weeks with no phone calls though.

TBH I don't miss seeing him, I guess I am used to it now as its been 4 months but I barely saw him the last few months of the relationship anyway as he just locked himself upstairs with his laptop so was used to it anyway when he actually left me. :rolleyes: