Arrangements for children with ex over Christmas?

Jo_R_2

I was just wondering what sort of arrangements separated parents have for their children over the Christmas period?

This is the third Christmas since me and ex separated, DDs are 5 and 3. We have been making arrangements for when we split time with DDs over Christmas. The usual arrangement is he has them every other weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening, and his weekend falls the weekend before Christmas then again weekend right after New Year.

He has proposed to have DDs as normal except for picking them up a day early on New Year's Eve. I just felt so disappointed for the girls that he doesn't want to see them at all over the Christmas weekend. DD1 has been asking lots of questions recently about families, I think prompted by the fact that me and OH have a baby, and daddy and stepmum also have a little baby, which are both brothers for her. She has been asking about presents and presents at daddy's house, if they get delivered to daddy's on Christmas day too and will they have them to open there then?

Ex has said that he thinks what he has suggested is fair as we both get an equal split of time with DDs and he only has a week and a half off work over Christmas. It seems to be that he sees time with DDs as the weekends he has them and not any other time, and I am concerned that now they have their baby, ex will see DDs as an 'extra' rather than part of their family as well as ours. We had a bit of a tiff last Christmas as I asked when he'd want to have them thinking he'd want to spend some extra time with them, but he refused to.

Is it normal - maybe I'm wrong but I just assumed NRPs with regular contact would *want* to spend extra time with their kids when they can?

simpywimpy

Personally I would have thought he would want to visit the kids at some point on Christmas Day and then perhaps have them boxing day for a time....

Paparika

I used to encourage any visits, especially Christmas.

The ex always wanted him Christmas eve - Christmas morning, so he could see him open up his presents. I was happy with this as i got a little lie in before starting on the Christmas dinner etc, but then by the time ds came home he was full of chocolate.

But then again the ex did things like that to hurt me... but i chose not to bite.

This year will be difficult, the ex is about to become a father for the 2nd time was due on the 8th but induced today if no show, we've had no call so i guess today is the day.

He won't be seeing ds, i did actually give him a 2 month grace in seeing him, as the first few weeks with a newborn is stressful as it is, but the ex is 45 and it's been almost 15 years since ds was born, the only condition i gave was that he should not forget ds at Christmas and try to see him at least for one day.

Perhaps your ex is planning another Christmas day with the dd's?

tell them they are lucky they get 2

Jo_R_2

I think he has a 'mini' Christmas idea for the weekend before Christmas, I don't know if that will involve DDs having their presents then or what he has planned yet.

I can only assume they have made their own plans for the Christmas weekend which don't involve DDs - I think if I'm being honest this is what irks me, I know I'm the parent with care but to me, I wouldn't dream of making plans for around then without wanting the girls involved, even if it is only seeing them for an hour or two Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

I don't want there to come about some sort of divide where DDs (more DD1 at the moment) see their dad, stepmum and brother going about their lives but not including them in significant events. I have always tried to encourage contact outside of regular weekends but it does seem to be me instigating it via means of things such as helping DD1 to call dad if she has something she wants to tell him.

It does come across as he sees his wife and baby as his family now iyswim, as in he slots the girls in when it's convenient rather than embracing them as an integral part of HIS family? IMO DD1 is craving more contact with her dad (which I think would only be beneficial) and I find situations like this difficult because he is not so willing to break out of his everyday routine to include the girls.

starbump

I know the kids involved here are a lot younger but I remember one friend I had at university, who had divorced parents. He routinely had 3 Christmas dinners every year (on Christmas Day) - one at his mom's, one at his dad's and one with his girlfriend. Sometimes it can be nice to spread the festivities over several days...?

onetomany

mine will have his xmas on boxing day

imfedup

me and ex had a deal from the off.

One year they go to him Christmas Eve - 10.00am Christmas Day, then go back again at 5.00 christmas night till 5.00 boxing night, which means I get them for dinner and the afternoon, then the following year I have them as above - if that makes any sense.

The deal was also that whoever had them christmas eve had to have them new years eve as its only fair that if they are getting the good (i.e. watching them opening their presents before they have even opened their eyes properly) and not stuffed up on chocolate (yep my ex thinks its funny as well).

So far, the christmas eve has worked for the last 7 years, apart from a few spats of - nope you want them you come and get them at 4.55 in the afternoon after I had had a few glasses and was unable to drive and had to find a non drinker in the street to take me!!!!

But the NYE hasnt, surprise surprise, he changes his mind every year about what we agreed on and so far in 7 years I have had 1 NYE to myself and thats only because I managed to find a babysitter.

I have always been of the opinion that my kids have a dad, no matter what goes on between me and him they should see him as often as they/he wants. Unfortunately, he only wants to see them when it suits as he also has a new family.

I think its unfair on your DD's if dad doesnt want them over christmas, maybe you should ask him whether he hasnt anything planned for the weekends before and after that he is having them?

Frith

Mine are going to their father's from 2pm-8pm on Christmas Day. He isn't allowed overnight stays (thats the court ruling, not mine - its a long story)

98sidney

Upto 2 years ago my children would go with their dad christmas day afternoon and come back at 6.

Now that has stopped as his mum is getting to tired to have kids round hers, so he sees them the day before, or boxing day..

Ask your ex when your children are going to get their present from him, and if he asks why just say that your girl has bought her half brother a present and you want to know when to give it to her, to give to her half brother..
Sneaky but gives you your answer and you look like the nice one..

Jo_R_2

Lots of different arrangements there!

In the two Christmases since he moved out, he's not asked to have them at all on Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I must admit I am set on having them Christmas Eve because I love it and getting everything ready with the girls "help" , and then into Christmas morning, but much as I joke about it's my privilege as a mum to say I'm having them then, if ex asked to have them then, I'd be disappointed for me but really pleased for DDs if you get what I mean?

I do foresee this is how things will be though, and in all honesty it's not a "bad" arrangement, it would just be nice if ex were be a bit more involved around Christmas.

NBirdy

My brother would LOVE to see his little girl over Christmas, but his ex usually 'arranges' something (a holiday one year, travelling to see distant relatives another, a party last year) so that he isn't able to - even when Christmas falls on his usual contact days . As a whole family we miss out and it's so sad. We do our best to celebrate with her when he does see her, but sometimes that's not until the New Year. She's old enough now to know how much we all want to see her though, so at least that's something.