Fathers rights when mother dies - HELP

fabforty

tootie wrote: »

[ It might not be in the child's best interests to split her from her young sibling

Thats why we have not already done anything although he is half her age and they do not get on well at all.

There is nothing unusual in this, siblings (especially of their respective ages and genders) often don't get along.

Step father is a control freak and makes all sorts of decisions without consulting dad and before mother died, she admitted that he treats DD differently than his own and blames DD whenever the kids squabble.

Older siblings usually get the blame when squabbles begin, but fact is wife chose to be in that relationship. If there were real causes of concern, I suspect you and husband would have known about it. Just sounds like normal family dynamics, which have been given added importance because of the current situation.

I see points for both arguments but long term, step dad will not be single forever[/QUOTE]

You don't know this.

tootie wrote: »

I accept he has just lost his wife but we are only thinking of her and yes, when the shock wares off i have no doubt she will want to be with her dad

If you are both confident of this, why not wait until then?

tootie wrote: »

I totally agree but we cannot let DD be bullied into things. She is a child and needs a chance to grieve like a child. We can only watch so much and let it go but we have to make choices based on what is best for her long term.


DD is there because she lived with her mother (as we feel every child should - WHERE POSSIBLE) but she isn't there anymore and her dad is.

I disagree. A child should live with the most suitable parent. If mothers husband is such a bullying, control freak, why would your partner leave his daughter in his care for 9 years (regardless of whether the mother is there as well)? What did you partner do to address these concerns when they were first raised?

I realise this is a difficult time for you all and I don't envy your position.
Clearly you and your partner want what is best for his daughter, but the fact is, this man has been around for 3/4 of daughters life and during her formative years. He will be a father figure to her. If he has sought legal advice on the matter - I wouldn't be surprised. Having raised this child for 9 years he would be remiss if he didn't. No doubt he also wants what is best for his (step)daughter. The easiest solution for him, would have been to send daughter to you and your partner. That way he would only have one child to cope with and wouldn't have to deal with the emotions of a distraught, hormonal, teenage girl - which would be difficult at the best of times. He could have just said - she's not my problem, and shown her the door. The fact that he hasn't done that, says a lot about him.

One final thought. Please remember that her brother has also lost his mother. Right now, he is the only person who knows exactly how she feels and is the only other person who is a part of her mother. For grieving children this link can be really important.

My advice would be to wait until the shock has worn off, when you are all thinking clearly and then discuss the issue as a family.

snugglepants

Firstly......the most obvious question here is........why on earth did you both not discuss this matter with the child's mother before her death?! It seems a pretty hasty decision you've made from here.

You've said that your "step-daughter" will have as much contact with her sibling if you and her father had custody.....what about contact with the man who has raised her? Also, do you not think he's looking into legal advice because he loves her as his own and is terrified you two are planning to swoop in and "take" her? Also, your opinion of her step-father is one sided....you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and seem to have made up your mind to not like this guy. You are entitled to your opinion of course, but when it comes down to it, it's the poor girl's decision who she lives with. She is old enough by law to have her side listened to, and the decision will be swayed by what she wants.

As for the way her dad handled the situation re: the mother's illness.....her mother would have told her if she had wanted to - how could it have been his decision only?

It sounds like there is a severe lack of communication on BOTH sides here.....if you want what's best for your partner's daughter, then you need to TALK.

snugglepants

Also, if you are concerned about what is best for her, first and foremost, then you would be happy to ask for joint custody - win/win

Dancing_Shoes

I don't have any further advice to give other than to say that you seem like a fantastic step mum and the fact that you have such a good relationship with your step daughter and are so concerned for her wellbeing speaks volumes about your abilities as a parent. I am sure that once everyone has had time to adjust to such a massive change to their lives then the stepdad may be more receptive to discussing the future

kegg_2

After the loss of her mum i would say the last thing the child needs is to be uprooted from her home even if it is to go to her father.

The step father clearly has done a good job with her thus far so give them some space to grieve before you start thinking about any changes. Given time she might ask to live with you and her dad or she might just want to stay with her sibling and step dad. If it is the latter then you both must accept that and support her choice no matter how hurt you and her dad might feel by it.

tandraig

tootie wrote: »

Does leaving DD there for now even if we are not particularly happy about it mean we are wrong or we dont care or be are adandoning DD?? - my partners family think so..

I nearly skimmed over this........Are you under pressure from partners family to 'get her back'? sounds like it.

hun - the way I read your posts is your OH is desperate to have his daughter back and so is his family. while I can understand this, I believe that until the shock and grief of her mothers death has abated a little then you really shouldnt think of a custody battle. this child has enough to contend with without feeling like a pull-toy! If she feels she wants her father right now - she will say so. but dont be surprised if she clings to what is loved and familiar (I didnt get on with my brother but woe betide anyone who would try to part us).
OH and if you post a thread on here - you will get opinions along with advice! thats the way it works!!!

Shelldean

tandraig wrote: »

I nearly skimmed over this........Are you under pressure from partners family to 'get her back'? sounds like it.

hun - the way I read your posts is your OH is desperate to have his daughter back and so is his family. while I can understand this, I believe that until the shock and grief of her mothers death has abated a little then you really shouldnt think of a custody battle. this child has enough to contend with without feeling like a pull-toy! If she feels she wants her father right now - she will say so. but dont be surprised if she clings to what is loved and familiar (I didnt get on with my brother but woe betide anyone who would try to part us).
OH and if you post a thread on here - you will get opinions along with advice! thats the way it works!!!

Yes thats very true my four fight like cat and dog ( and as the twins get older they really fight and it's getting harder to seperate them) and if you ask either of them they'll even say they hate each other. But if anyone who starts on either of them (the twins) at school, they turn into Ronnie and blinking Reggie and woe betide anyone who crosses their paths

SO beware of saying they don't get along, you may find they do

marshmallows

tootie get your husband to a solicitor just to see where he stands

how far do you live from the stepdads house? is it practical for her to come live with you regarding school etc, she will need as much stability as possible but i do think in the end she should be with her father, yes her stepdad has raised her but he has raised her with her mum he hasnt exactly done it on his own.

Morglin

When the immediate shock and the funeral has passed, it may be the best thing for you, your husband and the step dad to all sit down with the lass and ask her where she wants to live.

At 12, she will probably know what she wants to do - and the best thing for her is to live with who she wants, and to be able to see the ones she's not living with when she wants to.

What a rotten situation and best wishes to you all.

Lin

jess1974

OP does the 12 year old live close to you? Can you share her so to speak, presumably she's at secondary school now..
I think this is a very difficult age to start up rooting a 12 year old, especially one thats just lost her mum. if you live close enough not to have to change schools etc, then you could probably have joint custody.... good luck anyway xxx