Fathers rights when mother dies - HELP

tootie

My Partner and ex wife have a daughter together who was 12 recently.
Marriage split up when DD was 18 months old.
Partner gave up his half of house on understanding with ex wife it went to DD.
Ex wife gets re-married and has been for around 9 yrs
Ex wife has son with new husband.

Dad has parental responsibility and contact order and has always paid a very fair amount of maintenance without fail.
Dad has been with me for nearly 6 yrs and we have our own home where DD has own bedroom - we have no other children. Myself and DD are very close.

Ex wife died.
Partner and I feel for step-dad and half brother but feel DD would be better off living with us.

Worried about step dad trying to prevent us from doing this.

Need to know what ours and his rights are.

Dont want to rock the boat but feel we need to act quickly as DD needs help to deal with this emotionally and think step-dad may have already been seeking legal advice

Dont know what to do

BitterAndTwisted

Talk to step-dad asap. It might not be in the child's best interests to split her from her young sibling but step-dad might be wondering how he's going to cope on his own with two children and might welcome any help you can offer. If you don't ask you'll never know and you might find yourselves locking horns when it's not necessary at a terribly sad time for everyone

tandraig

why not just offer help? this man has lost his wife! I know you are thinking of the daughter, but if he loves her as his own please understand he may be terrified you will take her off him. you may feel that your step daughter would be better off with you - but does she feel same way? she is 12 and court will ask who she wants to live with I think. be very careful how you approach this hun - unless you have reason to believe she is unhappy or being abused I dont think court will grant you custody just because he is her dad. I could be wrong - but - urge you to offer help for now - then talk to daughter about where she wants to be WHEN the initial shock and grief has subsided.

tootie

[ It might not be in the child's best interests to split her from her young sibling[/QUOTE]

Thats why we have not already done anything although he is half her age and they do not get on well at all.

Step father is a control freak and makes all sorts of decisions without consulting dad and before mother died, she admitted that he treats DD differently than his own and blames DD whenever the kids squabble.

Step dad has mentioned that him and exwife had put it in wills that they wish children to be kept together.

I see points for both arguments but long term, step dad will not be single forever and it would not be ok for her to be bought up by strangers when dad who has always been part of DD life wants her at home with him

Dumbledore55

Ask the daughter what she wants to do - 12 is old enough for her to make her own decisions. She may change her mind again in the near future but she's had enough truama losing her mother and every other relative should pull together for her sake - no matter what their differneces are,

tootie

We are not thinking of making any irrational decisions - we have offered help and this has been noted but not taken.

Unhealthy decisions RE:involving and informing DD of mums illness, death and funeral were made by this man and we feel it has to stop now.

I accept he has just lost his wife but we are only thinking of her and yes, when the shock wares off i have no doubt she will want to be with her dad

BitterAndTwisted

But her step-dad is not a stranger, is he? In the first instance offer your sincere condolences and ask if there's anything practical you can do to help. Getting into a disagreement is the least helpful thing that could happen, imo. Next step might be some legal advice perhaps.

"Unhealthy decisions RE:involving and informing DD of mums illness, death and funeral were made by this man and we feel it has to stop now"


I'm not clear what you mean by this, would you care to explain?

Dumbledore55

Please don't fight the case legally - the daughter's wishes are the most important factor right now.

tootie

Not explaining what was happening to mum
Not allowing DD choice to see mum
Not alowing DD choice to go to funeral
Not allowing DD opportunity to be involved with songs, flowers etc

All things that any councillor, bereavement website advise you should do

Dumbledore55

If daughter wants to leave step-dad then I would definitely fight it tooth and nail. Children are far more perseptive than we give then credit for but they do need an opportunity to express their opinions independently withouth the father or step-father being present.

tootie

Dumbledore55 wrote: »

Please don't fight the case legally - the daughter's wishes are the most important factor right now.

I totally agree but we cannot let DD be bullied into things. She is a child and needs a chance to grieve like a child. We can only watch so much and let it go but we have to make choices based on what is best for her long term.

We are not trying to rush in gung ho, we are considering the options and discussing how we can work things to keep them amicable and suit everybody - we will speak to step-dad about long term arrangeents but first we need to be clear about what is best.

DD is there because she lived with her mother (as we feel every child should - WHERE POSSIBLE) but she isn't there anymore and her dad is.