Mending my life ... did I do the right thing?

dizzy2274

misgrace wrote: »

Great answer thorsoak.:D

Dizzy I cant offer you any advice as such, but IMO I think you did the right thing in telling him to leave, he is neither use nor ornament, and you have struggled trying to be both parents, working, doing most of the household chores for far too long, while he has sat on his fat backside.

You will struggle a bit, but at least you have one less stress, and believe me when that stress goes, you will be better in yourself.

Thanks Misgrace for your reply.
My head is telling me that I have done the right thing. But, then my I think of my boys and feel for them. Coming from a broken home myself, I never wanted my children to go through same emotions.

I am keeping very positive and trying do lots of fun things with them but still there are moments when my eldest 7, sighs and says he misses Daddy. Breaks my heart.

Tough times.

dizzy2274

Steel wrote: »

No you are not being unreasonable.
Yes , you definitely did the right thing.

This guy had effectively written himself out of your life and the boys lives anyway. It's always staggers me how many people express surprise when their OH leaves or throws them out when they've behaved like this.

I don't know whether it goes through their head at some point that they've got it good because their OH are carrying them, but they fail to see the other side of the equation - the OH has been rendered effectively single so they might as well be single without the additional hassle of 'caring' for one more person who is too lazy and self-centred to contribute positively to family life.

At least if you have to do everything yourself you know where you stand instead of hoping every day that things will be different but they never are.

And yes, involve the CSA if only so he knows things are now 'official'. Otherwise he could jerk your strings for years over money. But I'd bank on getting nothing from him and making your own way in the world. At least when he defaults and goes into arrears it's on record.

Regarding that taped phonecall, it cannot be admitted as evidence in court as it stands, BUT it could prove very useful in negotiations before anything goes to court. A solicitor will be able to advise you better, but certainly don't destroy it. Some time ago I was told a taped call is not be admissable but it could be played to a court appointed expert who could testify as to the content of what they heard. How true this is I don't know - again a solicitor will advise you better. It sounds great but I may be clutching at straws here.

However, the government has long been trying to get this particular law lifted as it affects their ability to use 'intercept evidence' ie phone taps etc as evidence against criminals. They may one day succeed in getting the law changed.

Hi Steel

I was at work today when I logged on and read your reply, can I just say a BIG thank you, you lifted my spirits.

Not only did not realise that I was supporting him but he was so ungrateful aswell, so much so that he just took it for granted. Now I didn't want a huge thank you but just to be appreciated, but alas no instead he just made me feel like sh*t.

I do have moments when I miss him, but then I think to myself what is it that you miss? and then I pull myself together and think of the crap he put me through and look to the future with my boys and as I say a few kind words from someone (even on a forum) can give you the strength to get through a mess like this, thank you.

I am making afew enquiries regarding choosing a solicitor, as soon as I have decent one I'll ask them about the best way forward. as for maintenance payments, I am giving him till next week and if he does not pay me £200.00 I'll tell him that I am going to the CSA and see what he says then.


Dizzy X

Errata

Life chaning decisions are never easy, and often not straightforward. Sure, your kids will miss their dad being around all the time but it sounds like he was a very poor role model for them, and perhaps that's something you can remind yourself of if you feel a twinge of guilt about them saying they miss him.

MrsTinks

JCP wrote: »

Just to say that it is NOT illegal to record a telephone conversation if the recording was made with the consent of one of the involved parties so you don't need to delete anything.

As to how to get him to stump up for the kids, I've got no idea, but wish you the best of luck.

Sort of correct - however:

Recording or monitoring is only prohibited where some of the contents of the communication are made available to a third party. If a person intends to make the conversation available, they must get the consent of the person being recorded.

and therefor as the OP is intending to potentially use it as evidence it is not permitted - it would not necessarily be a criminal matter but civil action could be taken...

so I take the point it's not illigal, however she won't be able to share the call or use it other than to play back at her ex...

ZarZar1990

Hi Dizzy, hope you're okay :hello:
Just wanted to say: Well done! for kicking the loser out, seems to me like you definitely did the right thing by all accounts, so don't feel bad!

I'd probably say to him, that if he doesn't cough up for his sons, that you will grass him up to the tax man, you're not to blame with his taxes, as you pay income tax and always have done!

Nothing grinds my gears more than people who don't pay tax, apart from people who don't pay tax and claim JSA on top of that :eek:
I know someone doing it too, and I've told him I'm not impressed and warned him he will get caught.

Just say to him, you don't want to mess up his happy little life, so if he pays the agreed amount to you each month, the tax man wont come knocking, CSA probably won't be able to do anything as he's not legally employed.
(My friends dad constantly made himself jobless whenever CSA came knocking)

Hope you're okay, and good luck, it sounds like you're all your sons need anyway!
xxxXxxx

misgrace

dizzy2274 wrote: »

Thanks Misgrace for your reply.
My head is telling me that I have done the right thing. But, then my I think of my boys and feel for them. Coming from a broken home myself, I never wanted my children to go through same emotions.

I am keeping very positive and trying do lots of fun things with them but still there are moments when my eldest 7, sighs and says he misses Daddy. Breaks my heart.

Tough times.

Your very welcome dizzy, but remember one thing.... One good strong parent is better than two weak ones.
Plus your kids will learn from you, will get thier strength from you,will in the future be better adults.

Believe me dizzy I have been in your shoes, and I thank god I did get out when I did, as my kids, specially my daughter has gone on to be a fantastic wife and mother, and also managed to get a degree.

On the other side of the coin, I have a friend, dont want to go into too much detail here, and let me say first that not all kids are like this from a broken home as such, as I can testify and loads more as well on here, but this friend went the complete opposite to me, she has three kids, saw thier mum in a heap, no guts, no willpower, relying on the booze to get her through.
The upshot is that she has 3 disfunctional kids, not 1 but 3, and they all blame her for the way they have turned out.
One in particular blames his mum so bad, she he has hit her a couple of times, (saw the dad do it), throws up in her face what a ferking waste of space she was (his words).
The daughter has ended up pregnant with a clone of her dad, in a relationship that is going the way of her mum.
The other son is still developing yet, but I have hopes for him.
None of the kids respect her, they talk to her like a piece of dirt, in honesty they have no time for her.

My theory in all this, and I daresay I am wrong to an extent, but am going on my circumstances, my strength, the role I played as a single mother, to my friends circumstances, is that you the parent can determine to an extent how your kids will grow into, by seeing the parents or parent as a role model, they learn from the parents.

It will be difficult for you, but you will do it, as your kids are the innocents in all of this, and you will be strong in front of them, you have to dizzy, they have no one else, just like mine didnt, I had no parents, family or friends at that time, and certainly no MSE board, and what a difference this board makes to us.
We can come on here and get support and friendship, there are marvelous posters on here, many have been through the karp your going through, but we are all here for you.

The_Banker_5

timmmers wrote: »

How can the tax man come after you?
This geezer wanted to be single...and you helped him be so.

you did right IMO.

t

Depends if she was claiming Working Tax Credits whilst knowing her hubby was working as a photographer and not declaring his earnings.;)

If the Tax office take an average of what he is supposed to have earned and add that to her wages for that period then she might probably find she has been overpaid in Tax Credits.

Thats providing she was claiming tax credits of course.

If not then lets hope the OP volunteers the information that she received £200 per month which had never had any Income Tax paid on it.;)

nm123_2

Well done Dizzy - you sound so much better off without him. :T

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but didn't want to read and run.

Can you get by without his contribution or is it more for the principal? Does he want to see the boys?

dizzy2274

misgrace wrote: »

Your very welcome dizzy, but remember one thing.... One good strong parent is better than two weak ones.
Plus your kids will learn from you, will get thier strength from you,will in the future be better adults.

Believe me dizzy I have been in your shoes, and I thank god I did get out when I did, as my kids, specially my daughter has gone on to be a fantastic wife and mother, and also managed to get a degree.

On the other side of the coin, I have a friend, dont want to go into too much detail here, and let me say first that not all kids are like this from a broken home as such, as I can testify and loads more as well on here, but this friend went the complete opposite to me, she has three kids, saw thier mum in a heap, no guts, no willpower, relying on the booze to get her through.
The upshot is that she has 3 disfunctional kids, not 1 but 3, and they all blame her for the way they have turned out.
One in particular blames his mum so bad, she he has hit her a couple of times, (saw the dad do it), throws up in her face what a ferking waste of space she was (his words).
The daughter has ended up pregnant with a clone of her dad, in a relationship that is going the way of her mum.
The other son is still developing yet, but I have hopes for him.
None of the kids respect her, they talk to her like a piece of dirt, in honesty they have no time for her.

My theory in all this, and I daresay I am wrong to an extent, but am going on my circumstances, my strength, the role I played as a single mother, to my friends circumstances, is that you the parent can determine to an extent how your kids will grow into, by seeing the parents or parent as a role model, they learn from the parents.

It will be difficult for you, but you will do it, as your kids are the innocents in all of this, and you will be strong in front of them, you have to dizzy, they have no one else, just like mine didnt, I had no parents, family or friends at that time, and certainly no MSE board, and what a difference this board makes to us.
We can come on here and get support and friendship, there are marvelous posters on here, many have been through the karp your going through, but we are all here for you.

Hi Misgrace

I never want to say that I regret marrying that loser, because if I didn't marry him I wouldn't have my boys.

I completley agree that I must be strong for their sakes, I want my sons to grow to be independent balanced men who know who to treat women and will provide for their families, basically everything their isn't. I am trying really hard not be negative about their Dad infront of them.

The messages I have received on here I have to say have given me strength, I have to admit I was really wavering and having serious second thoughts, but you are right kids learn from their surroundings.

Sorry to hear that were in a similar situation but WELL DONE you in raising your children alone, I can tell you're very proud, as you should be. :T

Errata

I have to admit I was really wavering and having serious second thoughts, but you are right kids learn from their surroundings.

I think waverings and misgivings are natural for many big decisions we make in life - all the 'I should have............I could have........." are just a normal way of working things through.