Mending my life ... did I do the right thing?

dizzy2274

Hi

I just need someone elses opinion or at least just get this off my chest.

Been married for 8 years, 2 young sons. I have worked full time throughout, my OH well, although he is self employed his work is seasonal and only works on weekends (wedding photographer) and his contribution was bear minimum £200 pcm.

I would only ask him to take and collect the kids from school and perhaps vacuam every other day and just keep the place tidy cause he was home most of the day. I paid for all the furniture he did not even come with me to choose or offer his opinion.

I get home for about 6.30 with the kids who eat their tea at my mums, help them with their homework and bath and get them to bed. I then tended to do afew chores around the house before finally sitting down to have something to eat and alittle time to myself.

My OH nearly always would come home from being with 'clients' about 9-10pm. I would goto bed about 10.30 he'd role in about 1am.

He hardly ever spent time with our sons apart from getting them dressed for school in the mornings (clothes washed and ironed by me). never played footie or took them out nothing really, no father son time. which used really hurt me because the boys just longed to spend time with him but this was always on his terms.

I asked him last year to take on some responsibility, even then I just asked him to pay for the kids school dinners, the groceries and the water bill in addition to the £200pcm.

The school would ring me without fail every week to say the fees were overdue, the water bill hasn't been paid and has now accumulated to nearly £400!! The groceries, yes he did used to pay me for those - most of the time.

Since he has been self employed, he not once delcared his income let alone paid any taxes. afew years ago he has even claimed Jobseekers, without my knowledge, i only found out when I found his signing on card.

Three weeks ago, I finally chucked him out. He is now living in a bedsit and paying £75p/w. And reckons he can only afford to pay me £125 pcm for the kids, that works out to roughly £15.00 per child p/w. I know for a fact he can afford more than that. I had asked him for £200 pcm as before.

I know it was sneaky, but I have recorded a phone call in which he has admitted to me that he is not going accept cheque payments (my friend owes him £1200.00 for a wedding and has asked him to pay in cash)becuase the transaction will show he has an income and that the reason for this is because of the marriage breakdown, which says to me that he does not want to pay what he can afford but only what he wants to pay.

Can anyone tell me

am I being unreasonable
was I right to ask him to leave
should i involve the csa

HELP!!_pale_

MrsTinks

I guess the question is what do you actually want to acchieve?
1 - delete the phone call - it's illigal to record phone conversations without the other callers knowledge.
2 - Tell your friend to pay him by cheque I loathe people who don't declare their income and who then commit benefit fraud... (the JSA when he was working!)
3 - If you go through CSA then you may find you get nothing. He's not "working" so they can't even do an attachment of earnings... it may be that you are better off taking the £125 if you can get by on this?

rheme

Hi Dizzy2274

My you have been having a tough time of it. Seems like you have had the responsibility for everything and everyone on one pair of shoulders. Just want to give you a big hug.

You threw him out three weeks ago. Have you been in touch with lawyers at all to find out what your rights are? You should get the first half hour free. Good idea is to go with bullet point notes of the whole situation, let them read it and then advise what the situation is.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and if you found yourself living in a situation that you were unhappy with then you have done the right thing. Life is about making memories and you need to make sure they are happy ones.

If he is 'hiding' income then not sure the CSA will be of much help. This is where the lawyers come in.

I would be inclined to get your finances seperated out from each other (especially if he owes the tax man).

Keep your chin up, you can cope 'cos you've been doing it all your married life and you are obviously a very strong capable person.

Hope it all works out for you and the boys.

thorsoak

Ask your friend to give you the cheque for £1,200 and put it into your bank account. Tell your husband that you have done this in lieu of child maintenance for the next six months - and that you will accept £200 per month from then on - you've taken the inititive so far - carry on!

He might not like it - but at least it won't be a cheque in his account - will it

dizzy2274

rheme wrote: »

Hi Dizzy2274

My you have been having a tough time of it. Seems like you have had the responsibility for everything and everyone on one pair of shoulders. Just want to give you a big hug.

You threw him out three weeks ago. Have you been in touch with lawyers at all to find out what your rights are? You should get the first half hour free. Good idea is to go with bullet point notes of the whole situation, let them read it and then advise what the situation is.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and if you found yourself living in a situation that you were unhappy with then you have done the right thing. Life is about making memories and you need to make sure they are happy ones.

If he is 'hiding' income then not sure the CSA will be of much help. This is where the lawyers come in.

I would be inclined to get your finances seperated out from each other (especially if he owes the tax man).

Keep your chin up, you can cope 'cos you've been doing it all your married life and you are obviously a very strong capable person.

Hope it all works out for you and the boys.

Thank you for your message.

Just abit concerned aswell with the whole tax issue. Would I be liable for what he has not declared?
In terms of joint finances there aren't any, we've not got a house together (renting) no savings - nothing apart from bills.

Gosh, i am going to sound like a niave little girl, but how do I go about getting a decent solicitor (west mids).

JCP

Just to say that it is NOT illegal to record a telephone conversation if the recording was made with the consent of one of the involved parties so you don't need to delete anything.

As to how to get him to stump up for the kids, I've got no idea, but wish you the best of luck.

timmmers

How can the tax man come after you?
This geezer wanted to be single...and you helped him be so.

you did right IMO.

t

Morglin

Yes, you did the right thing - but now's the time to get some proper legal advice to put things on a more satisfactory footing for you and the kids.

Get yourself a solicitor and find out what your rights are with all this. Tell him about the undeclared income, and ask advice how best to get maintanance for the kids from your ex.
http://www.family-solicitors.co.uk/

If you are worried about this unpaid tax and who is liable, these guys can give advice:
http://www.taxaid.org.uk/

The DWP will give advice about any benefits you may be entitled to, as a lone mum:
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/index.htm

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/FamilyIssuesAndTheLaw/index.htm

This site gives info about the CSA and has an online calculator:
http://www.csa.gov.uk/


Lin

misgrace

Great answer thorsoak.:D

Dizzy I cant offer you any advice as such, but IMO I think you did the right thing in telling him to leave, he is neither use nor ornament, and you have struggled trying to be both parents, working, doing most of the household chores for far too long, while he has sat on his fat backside.

You will struggle a bit, but at least you have one less stress, and believe me when that stress goes, you will be better in yourself.

Steel_2

No you are not being unreasonable.
Yes , you definitely did the right thing.

This guy had effectively written himself out of your life and the boys lives anyway. It's always staggers me how many people express surprise when their OH leaves or throws them out when they've behaved like this.

I don't know whether it goes through their head at some point that they've got it good because their OH are carrying them, but they fail to see the other side of the equation - the OH has been rendered effectively single so they might as well be single without the additional hassle of 'caring' for one more person who is too lazy and self-centred to contribute positively to family life.

At least if you have to do everything yourself you know where you stand instead of hoping every day that things will be different but they never are.

And yes, involve the CSA if only so he knows things are now 'official'. Otherwise he could jerk your strings for years over money. But I'd bank on getting nothing from him and making your own way in the world. At least when he defaults and goes into arrears it's on record.

Regarding that taped phonecall, it cannot be admitted as evidence in court as it stands, BUT it could prove very useful in negotiations before anything goes to court. A solicitor will be able to advise you better, but certainly don't destroy it. Some time ago I was told a taped call is not be admissable but it could be played to a court appointed expert who could testify as to the content of what they heard. How true this is I don't know - again a solicitor will advise you better. It sounds great but I may be clutching at straws here.

However, the government has long been trying to get this particular law lifted as it affects their ability to use 'intercept evidence' ie phone taps etc as evidence against criminals. They may one day succeed in getting the law changed.

dizzy2274

Morglin wrote: »

Yes, you did the right thing - but now's the time to get some proper legal advice to put things on a more satisfactory footing for you and the kids.

Get yourself a solicitor and find out what your rights are with all this. Tell him about the undeclared income, and ask advice how best to get maintanance for the kids from your ex.
http://www.family-solicitors.co.uk/

If you are worried about this unpaid tax and who is liable, these guys can give advice:
http://www.taxaid.org.uk/

The DWP will give advice about any benefits you may be entitled to, as a lone mum:
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/index.htm

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/FamilyIssuesAndTheLaw/index.htm

This site gives info about the CSA and has an online calculator:
http://www.csa.gov.uk/


Lin

Hi

Thank you so much for your sound advice, I click on the links and find out the info I need. Again thank you.