Self Harm

Swan_2

hi Molly,
I too don't know anything about the self-harming issue, but can say something about communication with teenagers/young people

ailuro's suggestion about walking/scooting is an excellent one ... for all sorts of reasons
gentle exercise for your daughter
it's informal
an intimate shared experience
there's no pressure to talk ... & that's a great insight about no direct eye contact
but you often see sights/things which can trigger natural unforced conversation, even if it starts about trivialities, once the door's open who knows where it could lead?
or even if it remains about trivialities, or you don't talk at all, it's a shared experience

I once had an accidental long walk (we missed our bus) with my (then) teenage son who has Asperger's syndrome & can be extremely uncommunicative at times (though other times you can't shut him up :rolleyes:) ... I won't go into the details of the circumstances, but he opened up to me in a way that he never would have if we'd sat down face to face to have a formal chat
that conversation changed his life & my life, & the decisions I made that day weren't the easy option for me, but made his life better, & if we hadn't missed that bus & walked, I'd never have known that he desperately needed help


you've got lots of great advice & support here, good luck, x

jennilb

Hi

I can only speak about my experience with depression, so I'm not able to deal with most of the things you asked (and others have done a better job than I could).

I know that when I'm miserable I comfort eat and ironically the things I comfort eat make me feel worse. Eating a 'balanced diet' (and not drinking alcohol) makes me feel less depressed as well as being better for my health.

There appears to be some medical evidence on the relationship between food and mood:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8334353.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8290632.stm

I hope you will believe me when I say I am not judging either her on her weight or you on your cooking - I think that pretty much everyone (even Nigella Lawson and Delia) could improve their diet in some way. I know I could. If your daughter still eats with you as a family, perhaps you could gradually improve her (and everyone elses - I don't think she should be singled out) diet, with the hope of being healthier as well as improving her mood.

I hope this helps.

Jenni

Tom1234

I'm quite bluntly spoken, so apologies if I offend.

Firstly, what is your daughter doing for her weight? You say she's fat and unhappy about it, so what is she doing to combat this?

My money would be on nothing. She's unhappy so she eats, which makes her gain weight, which makes her unhappy. She has no outlet for her feelings, and doesn't know what to do, so harms as a way of letting out that frustration.

You need to help her break the cycle she's stuck in, and start losing weight, or at least get her to feel like she's making headway against it. Currently she probably feels like she's just stuck being a 'fattie' or whatever equally unpleasant name she's being called.

I realise this may be hard, as you have mobility issues, however taking positive action to help your daughter will really help the situation. Don't make her feel pressured to exercise, but she's clearly unhappy with her weight, so taking steps to help support her in doing something about it are going to be invaluable.

taka

I had an eating disorder and my parents had a horrible time with it as I was all over the place. Looking back now they did the right thing... they were there for me, told me that they loved me no matter what I said or did (nothing outrageous!), gave me/or offered to give me a hug and the courage to believe that things could change even if it took a long time to get there. I love them dearly for it and we are now closer than we ever were before.

For me binging was an escape from my life - even if only for a few seconds. It meant that for a few seconds I didn't feel anything... I had such a low self esteem that I thought I was absolutely worthless and deserved to be unhappy and be punished and that whatever abuse I got as I was overweight was perfectly right as I believed I was a fat ugly cow etc. I also had no idea I was depressed (I thought everyone felt like that!). I was also hugely adept at hiding (and supressing) my feelings that few around me knew I had a problem.

I suspect cutting is a form of escape for your daughter too. As a parent all you can do is be there for her, consistently. Just realise she may feel like you are helping one day and feel like you are always watching her the next... even if you are doing nothing different. Coming up with things I could do instead of binge was definitely one of the things my parents could help with... walking (with no pressure to talk), snapping an elastic band at my wrist, just sitting with them, playing solitaire, cross stich (kept my hands busy and I had to concentrate), breathing exercises etc all helped... More recently I've found mindfulness meditation very helpful.

Your GP is the gateway to help but investigate support groups etc for BOTH of you too. The support group I went to for a while was half the time with sufferers and parents/friends together then the other half where the 2 groups split up and the parents went elsewhere so everyone could talk with others who understood without worrying about talking in front of parents/offspring. My Dad found it invaluable to be able to talk to others about it...

As to her weight... its not the most immediate problem - visit it later when she is in a (mentally) healthier place. Just eat healthily as a family and encourage activity as it can help as a distraction technique (yoga for example may be helpful as a stress reliever - a DVD if she feels unable to do it in public).

((((Hugs)))) and good luck!

TangledMemories_2

Hi,
I used to self harm when I was 15...finally stopped when I was 21.
I didn't self harm for attention, or because I was suicidal (because I wasn't.)
The only way I could explain my reason for doing it is because I didn't know how to express my feelings or emotions.
The other thing was at the time, my parents were going through a very very harsh bankruptcy process and I was looking after my younger brothers alot of the time, therefore if I was really really angry, I took it out on myself rather than turn on them which would have been wholly unacceptable.
This is probably going to freak some of you out, but sometimes when I drew blood...it felt like such a release...as though the hurt, anger, frustration was flowing out of me.
When my parents found out, they were understandably upset and unsure because the automatic assumption was that I was wanting to end my life. It took a while to get them to see that it was because I didn't like myself very much (I never fitted in at school) and I didn't want to be responsible for hurting other people directly.
I know you're now wondering how I stopped...truth is, I honestly don't know. I think in a way, I found a way of dealing with my demons, and starting writing poetry and things like that to release the emotions out of me....even dragging a pen sharply across a pile of paper helped.
All you can do is wait for her to talk to you. If you try and force it out of her, it may make her more reclusive.
My college friends told my form tutor when they found out what I was doing as my coping mechanism...and that was possibly the worst thing they could do in my eyes because it drew more attention to me....although in their eyes they were doing all they could to try and help me stop.
The truth is, unless you're ready to stop...no-one can force you to.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter, you know where I am.
Tang
xx

Molly41

Tom1234 wrote: »

I'm quite bluntly spoken, so apologies if I offend.

Firstly, what is your daughter doing for her weight? You say she's fat and unhappy about it, so what is she doing to combat this?

My money would be on nothing. She's unhappy so she eats, which makes her gain weight, which makes her unhappy. She has no outlet for her feelings, and doesn't know what to do, so harms as a way of letting out that frustration.

You need to help her break the cycle she's stuck in, and start losing weight, or at least get her to feel like she's making headway against it. Currently she probably feels like she's just stuck being a 'fattie' or whatever equally unpleasant name she's being called.

I realise this may be hard, as you have mobility issues, however taking positive action to help your daughter will really help the situation. Don't make her feel pressured to exercise, but she's clearly unhappy with her weight, so taking steps to help support her in doing something about it are going to be invaluable.

Thank you for your comments. Over the past few years I have tried very hard to help my DD. As a family we have attended MEND and she had the support of the cordinator to attend a gym which I have paid for.We see a dietician and I organise fairly healthy meals for my family and there is always a lot of fruit on offer. My DD started to gain weight when she herself had the opportunity and choices ie when she started secondary school so she has felt like this a long time and I have tried all these years. There is a balance to be had and as her mother I have already overstepped the mark and to some extent feel I have pushed her too hard to lose weight. Only she can do it and for some reason she cant at the moment. I hope we get the right help this time cos God only knows i have asked for it enough times over the past 5 years re her weight. I realise she is selfharming anyway when she over-eats but its obviously moved on.

Molly41

TangledMemories wrote: »

Hi,
I used to self harm when I was 15...finally stopped when I was 21.
I didn't self harm for attention, or because I was suicidal (because I wasn't.)
The only way I could explain my reason for doing it is because I didn't know how to express my feelings or emotions.
The other thing was at the time, my parents were going through a very very harsh bankruptcy process and I was looking after my younger brothers alot of the time, therefore if I was really really angry, I took it out on myself rather than turn on them which would have been wholly unacceptable.
This is probably going to freak some of you out, but sometimes when I drew blood...it felt like such a release...as though the hurt, anger, frustration was flowing out of me.
When my parents found out, they were understandably upset and unsure because the automatic assumption was that I was wanting to end my life. It took a while to get them to see that it was because I didn't like myself very much (I never fitted in at school) and I didn't want to be responsible for hurting other people directly.
I know you're now wondering how I stopped...truth is, I honestly don't know. I think in a way, I found a way of dealing with my demons, and starting writing poetry and things like that to release the emotions out of me....even dragging a pen sharply across a pile of paper helped.
All you can do is wait for her to talk to you. If you try and force it out of her, it may make her more reclusive.
My college friends told my form tutor when they found out what I was doing as my coping mechanism...and that was possibly the worst thing they could do in my eyes because it drew more attention to me....although in their eyes they were doing all they could to try and help me stop.
The truth is, unless you're ready to stop...no-one can force you to.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter, you know where I am.
Tang
xx

Thankyou for sharing your experience. I find it really helpful and am getting an understanding of why she is doing this. She explained that last night ...that it was a release. Hope you are doing ok

LameWolf

Hi Molly

I just wanted to offer a bit of moral support here.

For what it's worth, Mr LW and I sometimes go for a "walk" with me on the jolly ol' scooter, and we have some really good chats, so if your DD is up for ailuro2's idea, I think it's a great idea.

Take care, mate, and keep your chin up.

Molly41

Thanks Lame Wolf. Yes I love my scoots also and will try with my DD. It would have to be in the dark though as I think she is kinda embarassed by me. I took out half of BHS in MK this morning....LOL. Hope you doing ok - its lovely to read your posts. x

shellyaspey

Hi there , didnt want to read and run

my heart goes out to you and your daughter , it is def a vicious circle , i have self harmed for years and years now, not exactley sure why it started even now maybe i was 15 im now 31 i have scars allover my arms and legs due to cutting and burning with the iron , i cant even begin really to explaine the reasons for this i can only say what helped and what it felt like for me , i am a huge worrier i worry about anythign and everything whenever it becomes to much for me and my head is a mess that was how to i dealt with it , the actual cutting or burning was a total release for me , i started writing stuff down diaries, mindfull of breathing tecs , i havent self harmed since i got my first tattoo it seamed to be a turning point for me , it was very painfull to get done and was something i can now reflect on as my turning point , sometimes it feels like i have so much mental pain its almost like i need to balance it out with physical pain , like i said i can only say what it was like for me and i hope this helps you to get a better insight into it i wish you the very best of luck x