Self Harm

Molly41

Hi,
I have just found out that my 17 year old DD has been self harming. She has cut herself and showed me her scars. She is overweight and had carved FAT on her leg. She has also cut her arms. I wondered if anyone had any experience of this cos Im at a loss. I have told her that we love her and that we are not disappointed in her = she was concerned that we would be. I have tried very hard to help her with her weight issues but to be honest she is not motivated herself and it has always failed after a couple of weeks. I have backed off recently cos I didnt want to pressurise her although I am desperately worried about her weight as her health is not brilliant generally. Obviously her mental health is not good either. She has agreed to go to see our sympathetic GP but how else can I support her until help comes her way.
Many thanks,
Molly

abbecer

Sorry to hear of your daughters troubles. I can't imagine what you are both going through. I would think there are self help groups she could join till her referal comes through. Does she feel suicidal because if so she may be able to go under the Crisis Team. Maybe she needs anti depressant to help her through this horrendous time. I hope you can get the help you so desperately need. Love to you both. xxx

Molly41

Hi,
No she is not suicidal. Thanks for your support.

milliemonster

Self harming is more common than you think, I am 37 now and used to cut my arms when I was 18 and severely depressed, even though I am mentally over that now I still have those scars to remind me every day.

Please please encourage your daughter to see her GP, she is obviously desperately unhappy and embarrassed by her weight problems, the best way you can support her at the moment is by not judging her, making her feel beautiful as a person and that she is a worthwhile human being and has a lot to offer.

Is she being bullied by others? I have always had weight issues too but have more or less conquered that now so I can completely identify with how she is feeling.

It will not be that she is not motivated to lose weight, believe me, people with weight problems have tremendous motivation, will power and determination, she is iin a spiral of feeling unworthy of love, and that she doesn't deserve to be slim, its a destructive cycle and by self harming she is 'proving' to herself she is unattractive by mutilating her body and its also an outlet for her sadness.

You are being a great mum just by being there, try to keep those lines of communication open so that she knows she can talk to you and try not to be shocked. Although you may be desperately worried about her weight, try not to focus too much on it, he weight problems are symptoms of how she is feeling inside, once she learns to love herself for who she is, she will naturally take care of herself and he weight will sort itself out, until that happens, you need to get more professional help

esio_trot

the fact that she has told/shown you suggests that she wants your help. How about asking her what it is that you can do that she would find helpful, be it disposing of the things she uses to harm, talking it out with her when she feels the need to harm, maybe helping her to come up with strategies to replace cutting.

As far as her weight goes, if she's as bothered about it as it seems, maybe you could suggest that, once a week, or whatever frequency suits, you two could have some mum/daughter time and visit a gym or the swimming pool. That way you can have a good workout together and maybe a sauna/jaccuzi afterwards for a bit of relaxing and a chat. Maybe involve her in helping to come up with healthy meal plans too.

Ultimately, seeing the GP will be of most use, especially if she can be referred for a talking therapy.

This website seems to have a reasonable amount of information on it, you might find more than my quick google though.

Molly41

Hi,
My first words to her when she showed me her scars was why she would hurt herself as she is beautiful. I think a lot relates to stress as she is busy at college. She has lost contact with a lot of her friends recently as she transferred to college and its some distance. She also wants to go to Uni so is concerned that she wont get the grades. She has really struggled through her teens and has been very badly bullied at school and gets called random names on the street by strangers. I have witnessed this on more than one occasion and am amazed at the cruelty that some people can inflict.

I feel somewhat responsible as I did "hassle" her re her weight as I was/ am very worried about it as she is very big. I'm so upset about this now and feel totally useless and worthless as a mum right now. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and experience. Its much appreciated.

cakeordeath_2

I used to do it and I remember that I felt like I was moving the pain from the inside to the outside. There are a few coping strategies that people use, I remember finding that popping bubble-wrap gave me something to concentrate on when I was all knotted up inside. Some people use ice-cubes to move over their skin in place of a blade, the cold has a similar effect to sharpness. Dancing like a looney wearing headphones with the music on full blast, is quite a good one too, as long as you know for sure that no one is going to walk in.

I'd make sure her tetanus jabs are up to date when she visits the GP too, let your daughter see you are thinking practically and that you understand that her anguish is a very private thing and won't keep checking up on her every five minutes to make sure she's okay. She obviously trusts you as she has told you about it, if she can continue to feel that way about you she more than likely wont try hiding it from you. I think she's already made a step in the right direction by sharing.

cakeordeath_2

Oh another thing, don't let her know you feel guilty (believe me if you were the one causing her to do this, I don't think you'd be the one she was turning to now) if she thinks she's making you feel useless and worthless, she'd feel even more wretched.

milliemonster

Molly41 wrote: »

Hi,
My first words to her when she showed me her scars was why she would hurt herself as she is beautiful. I think a lot relates to stress as she is busy at college. She has lost contact with a lot of her friends recently as she transferred to college and its some distance. She also wants to go to Uni so is concerned that she wont get the grades. She has really struggled through her teens and has been very badly bullied at school and gets called random names on the street by strangers. I have witnessed this on more than one occasion and am amazed at the cruelty that some people can inflict.

I feel somewhat responsible as I did "hassle" her re her weight as I was/ am very worried about it as she is very big. I'm so upset about this now and feel totally useless and worthless as a mum right now. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and experience. Its much appreciated.

Molly please don't feel like this, as a mum myself I completely understand your worry about your daughters weight, my mum was the same when I was growing up and always hassled me about eating, she had never had a weight problem in her life and thought it was a simple case of just eating when you're hungry, sadly if that were the case then there wouldn't be the levels of obessity there in in the world.

The fact is your dd will be very well educated on what she should shouldn't eat, that her weight is an issue etc, she knows all this, it isn't that lack of information that has caused her to have weight issues. Most of us that have problems with weight are emotional eaters and your dd sounds one of them, food make her feel better even though she doesn't like herself.

The trick is getting her to learn to love herself, she is very insecure and self critical and doesn't like herself very much, the key to changing that, and it will take a long time, is to not hassle her, to shower her with love and praise and reinforce what a beautiful person she is and how much she means to you, you need other members of the family to do this too and her friends. Once she does learn to love herself, everything else will sort itself in time.

ZarZar1990

Hi, what I'd say is try and resolve the issue while she is still young, lots of young girls self harm (me being one of them when I was 16), and my aunt sounds similar to your daughter, she was suffering from depression and overweight at the age of 17, but because her parents never bothered at the time to sort it, she's still that way now, perhaps you could speak to a councilor or get your daughter counseling?
In these situations it's best to resolve it as quickly as possible. xxxx

Indie_Kid

cakeordeath wrote: »

Oh another thing, don't let her know you feel guilty (believe me if you were the one causing her to do this, I don't think you'd be the one she was turning to now) if she thinks she's making you feel useless and worthless, she'd feel even more wretched.

I agree completely.

In all honestly, there isn't much you can do. I remember when I told my parents, they asked me a few things and that was it. (which I was hoping for)

As for supporting her - if she wants to talk to you allow her to do so, but don't force the issue. If she wants to talk to you, she will do.