Thinking leaving long term partner. Help!

shellsuit

Don't whatever you do leave a note.

It is the most selfish, nasty and cowardly thing to do, believe me, I've had it done to me!

Grow some balls and tell her it's over. Don't listen to her when she pleads and begs (I did that I'm ashamed to say) and definitely don't leave her thinking there is still a chance for you both as it's not fair to keep her hanging on (happened to me too).

And please, for the love of God, don't stay in contact with her because that messes peoples heads up. No matter whether you feel guilty, or pity for her, please don't do it.

If that's it, it's it, forever.

Primrose

If you're a sensitive and caring person which you seem to be, it's going to be emotionally difficult to extricate yourself from this relationship but you certainly have to do so or you will completely wreck your life. Firstly you have to sit down and tell her how you feel. It sounds as if she's very emotionally insecure but you cannot allow yourself to be blackmailed by threats of self harming or other actions. You have two options. You either have to act as a complete rotter, somehow rent a flat or bedsitter as a temporary measure just to get out of that environment, or you tell her that it's over and suggest a three months (or whatever) breaking up period so that she can get used to the idea and both of you can sort out your new living locations in an amicable way. Whatever happens, you're going to have to harden your heart. It sounds as if you've been living your lives joined to the hip. Stop giving explanations every time you're late home from work. She's got you nicely tied up hasn't she? Just start living your life independently until you move out so that she gets the message that you are serious about breaking up.
And another piece of advice. As from now, stop having any sexual relations with her. It's the oldest trick in the book for a woman to get herself pregnant as a way of trapping a man into marriage. Do not go there. Do not go there. You have been warned.

Errata

I guess I need encoragement too to take that step and just end it once and for all.

Just who do you suppose is going to give you that encouragement, if not yourself?

anguk

Myotherusername wrote: »

This is why I want to leave a note. My job involves dealing with diffcult people everyday so I am not scared of confronting people normally it just terrifies me having to tell her. I really don't care about my stuff she can have it all. There are just a few personal stuff I will take. The rest I can replace over time if at all.
My family live far away but hers live near so they will be there for her.
Thanks for everyones help so far. I will take it on aboard and think about it a bit more

Are you on good terms with her family? Could you maybe explain things to them? Her parents will obviously be upset for their daughter but they also wouldn't want someone to stay with her just because they're frightened to leave.

If you're upfront and honest with them they may help you to break the news to your partner which may make it easier for both of you?

Pee

I don't think that leaving a note is such a bad thing. If you are worried that it will get out of hand.

If you just don't want to see her upset, then I would bite the bullet and just do it, but if you see a physical bar to your leaving, then the note idea would work.

However people break up, it's never easy. Could you get a family member of hers around for support whilst you tell her - obviously not an agressive or violent one. Having someone else about makes most people behave that little bit better.

springclean

i did this 14 months ago, only it was a 10 year relationship, with house, and my kids, very much part of his life. as someone else said, there is no good time. i just built up enough courage one day to say it was over, and with each response asking if i could change my mind, work things out etc etc, i stayed strong and said no. for days before and after i felt physically sick, but i stuck to it, and moved on. now i've never been happier.

just remember, you are not responsible for someone else's emotions, and it's not fair for you to sacrifice yourself to make someone happy. be strong, and good luck with the rest of your life.

valkirn

Is there no way you could arrange a few days off from work with out her knowing and use the time to try and find somewhere to live then

I know its a bit sneaky but on these days off maybe you could pretend to go to work as normal then come back and sort things that way..

Does she open your mail?? if not then why not set up a po box addy to have your mail sent to for a while and collect it on your way to work

Is there no way you could transfer your job and go home as it were mybe phone your parents and tell them how you are feeling

But above all you need to tell her its over and walk away, if she tries to block the door, call the police she cant keep you there against your will and you need to stick to your guns if she tries to talk you round.

thorsoak

Be a man. Tell her - to her face. Tell her family what you are doing/have done, so that they know that they may have to pick up the pieces.

Don't let her go on making wedding arrangements when you feel like this. She deserves better - and so do you.

cakeordeath_2

I think you should tell her face to face too. Would it be possible to get someone to collect you (a workmate perhaps) on the day you tell her? Give yourself time to talk to her alone but then have them knock on your door as she may be less likely to try to physically prevent you from leaving if there is someone else there. But don't let her know they are coming as she might not let you even get to the door, just pretend you don't know who is knocking until the door is opened.

If I was you I'd do the secret day off work thing to pack your stuff so that you are able to move out on the day you tell her. If you have to keep on going back to collect things it will just prolong her agony.

good luck

mumslave

thorsoak wrote: »

Be a man. Tell her - to her face. Tell her family what you are doing/have done, so that they know that they may have to pick up the pieces.

Don't let her go on making wedding arrangements when you feel like this. She deserves better - and so do you.

Yes be a man and tell her. This lady has given you six years of her life, no matter what you may think of her, the least you can do is talk to her face to face. And she is emotionally insecure? No wonder, sounds like she has tried to be what you want, but the simple fact is you just dont want her do you? Not saying you are wrong for your feelings, but neither is she for hers. Relationship break ups are never easy, but at least do it with dignity and let her keep hers.