Thinking leaving long term partner. Help!

Myotherusername

I am posting under a different username in the hope that someone can help me. I should point out I am male and my partner is female.
I have been in a long term realtionship for six years and live with my partner and we are set to get married next year but last few months I have been unhappy in the relationship and the next few weeks just unbreabley sad and empty.
I really don't think our realtionship has a future. I find my life so boring and the only good things are my job and family. My partner insits on going to bed at 8pm every night and will make a big deal if I want to stay up and will complain we have a TV in the bedroom and why can't we just watch that. If I work later than normal they complain. We do everything together and spend every second together. When I try and do stuff on my own they complain and ask why we can't do it together. In bed its very boring.
I feel like I am being suffocated and just want to be able to get up when I want. Go places I want to. I feel trapped. We are due to get married next year and then get a house together so if I am going to end it then I know I need to do it before then.
In the six years we have been together I have told my partner I want to leave them three times and each time they got hysterical and broke down but feel I just can't go in a realtionship that is dead. I am looking at a flat and am trying to arrange a viewing but even thats proving diffcult without her knowing. If I am going to be late from work she will want to know why.

The thing is she has tried hard to change and will we talk about stuff she doesn't change she just acts in a way she thinks I want her to. She is also a slob.

Anyway after all that my question how do I leave her? I don't have anywhere to go so trying to arrange a place to live but in secert thats proving very diffcult as letting agents want your home address to write to. Also if I did manage to find somewhere should I confront her and tell her or just come home early, pack and leave her a note? The last time I tried to leave she physically stopped me and talked me out of it. We don't have any children or finanical commitments. I am just worried that I can not leave her and if I did she would just keep on at me until we got back together.
I hope someone can offer me some advice. Any advice or any of the above. I just feel dead and when I dream of living on my own and doing as I please I do feel slightly better. There is no-one else I can talk to her or that can help me as being male I am stuck. What am I suppose to do if she blocks the door? Pick her up and throw her across the room? As then I would be arrested!
Thanks anyone for your help.

DKLS

Its not easy, I ended a 12yr relationship a few years back, and was biding my time for the "right time" there will never be a right time.

Just dont leave the poor woman a note, thats cowardly.
Man up, sit her down, and tell her its over. Do not give in to any emotional blackmail, stand by your decision, and change your sim card once you have moved out.

neneromanova

I would stop with the secrecy. Just tell her it's not working and you're leaving. Pack a bag and go stay at a friends house. If she does manage to pursuade you too stay then just think, We're just going to end up back here in 6 months. It's better I get out now than then as it will be harder then.

Good Luck

Michelin

Yes totally agree with the previous poster. Don't leave a note - that is awful. You should pack and move your things out but be there when she gets home and talk to her. Before you get this far though, have you told her how you feel??

Brighton_belle

Sounds very difficult for you. Would it help to think along the lines that it is crueler to her to maintain the pretence of a wedding etc than to be honest.
There is no way you can get married feeling like this and you are doing the right thing.
The thing is, relationships can be painful, but we have to try them out to see if we are compatable, otherwise a first date = life long committment.
Pre children, pre-marriage, pre financial committments is the best possible time to realise if it is not working. Feeling dead inside is an excellent indicator that it isn't.
Ultimately the most loving and kind thing is to break up, and before you meet someone else who makes your heart sing. Of course she will feel dreadful and hurt, but you will be ultimately giving her the chance of finding her soulmate who does want the same as her.

Myotherusername

Michelin wrote: »

Yes totally agree with the previous poster. Don't leave a note - that is awful. You should pack and move your things out but be there when she gets home and talk to her. Before you get this far though, have you told her how you feel??

I have tried to but she just always acts for a while how she thinks I want her to and then it just slides back. I don't have any friends really to stay with as I have sort of lost contact with them during our realtionship.
I just don't know how to do it. I guess I need encoragement too to take that step and just end it once and for all.

kitekat

If you are absolutely sure that you cannot salvage the relationship then you are best out of it.Its pointless making yourself so unhappy and staying to appease your partner.Decide on a day to move out and stick to it,be honest and tell your partner and do not let her bully you into staying.At least you are realising all this before marrying her.It wont be easy but the alternative is that your mental and maybe physical health suffers.Good luck

Dave101t

sounds like a normal relationship to me, make an executive decision, talk it back to normality, or just go and never look back.

Pee

I think it's important that you tell her asap to make sure wedding arrangements can be cancelled and families told.

You say the only good things in your life are your job and your family. Is this your parents and possibly siblings? Whatever, those are two important areas to have working.

If you are worried about how she will deal with it, is it possible for someone else to be with you - such as a family member? You certainly don't want any physical contact between you and her or any chance for her to call the Police - it sounds like you are concerned she will be irrational.

It sounds to me awful living with someone who expects you home from work exactly on time and then to bed to watch tv all night. You have spoken to her before and she has changed a little bit for a short time to keep you.

I am sure that the rental properties will use a work address - they must have this as a common problem.

If you are scared of her reaction in anyway, then it might be better for you to slip away - bearing in mind you will end up leaving much of your property - if you have tried to talk to her about it before and you really think she will physically stop you leaving, be careful.

Myotherusername

Pee wrote: »

If you are scared of her reaction in anyway, then it might be better for you to slip away - bearing in mind you will end up leaving much of your property - if you have tried to talk to her about it before and you really think she will physically stop you leaving, be careful.

This is why I want to leave a note. My job involves dealing with diffcult people everyday so I am not scared of confronting people normally it just terrifies me having to tell her. I really don't care about my stuff she can have it all. There are just a few personal stuff I will take. The rest I can replace over time if at all.
My family live far away but hers live near so they will be there for her.
Thanks for everyones help so far. I will take it on aboard and think about it a bit more

Zazen999

Other [if I can call you that].

Seriously think about giving one of your old chums a call and see if one of them will put you up - if you lost them through this relationship then I'm sure one would help even if it is just giving their address so that you can rent a room until you get a flat sorted.