problems with inlaws

instaunt

Threebabes wrote: »

SIl has been spreading lies to her parents and brother about me and after years of this, Ive had enough. They make me miserable. Their parents think the sun shines out of the sister & brothers backsides, Im sure this is the tip of the iceberg and a lot of other stuff has gone on that we dont know about.

How do I tell them that they arent welcome in my home any more, that we dont anything to do with them, so do we avoid any telephone calls, or email them, Im not sure I can do it to their faces.

How do you break up with family?

I've never had to say it to my in-laws ... but they are obviously well aware of how I feel. Your problem is that you're probably the type of person who needs to be nice to people.

There is an opposite of "how to make friends and influence people" and you don't have to yell at them, make snipey faces or turn your back.

Minimum_Wage_2

Hi Threebabes,
Going back many years my youngest daughter had an accident in the park, she banged her teeth on a metal bar of a climbing frame, my wife at the time was working so i called my sister to look after the other two while i went to the hospital just to make sure there wasn't any real damage. I called my wife to say what had happened and that could she pick the girls up from my sister's if i wasn't back in time.

While in the waiting room i had heard conversions between the receptionist and my FIL, he was calling every half an hour and the receptionist was getting rather miffed at being harassed by my FIL. The wife called in just to make sure everything was OK and told me that her dad had been giving her hassle all night along about me not being able to look after kids, This pi$$3d the wife a lot as she knew he was out of order but she knew everything was in hand and then went to pick our other daughters up from my sisters. I finally got home at 1am in the morning to say everything is OK and there was no real damage, the wife told me that she hasn't been able to go to bed as her father had been calling every half an hour to find out if i was home.

So i picked up the phone and told him that "if your going to spread rumors around like i cant look after my own kids then don't bother coming around here" and put the phone down before he had time to say anything. Less than 5 minutes after that he was round banging on the door, to which i stepped out side and he tried pinning me up against my front door. There was a little scuffle and i had him pinned down but in all this scuffle the door had opened and the wife had screamed! i looked up at the front gate to see our friend from down the road. I said to him "don't even think about butting in" his reply was "I'm not, I've come to make sure your wife is OK" as his GF sent him round to make sure everything is ok, as he walked past me he called my wife to put the kettle on. I let the FIL up and told him where to go, he shouted a load of threats and walked off. He stayed away for a while but it soon faded, but he never said that i couldn't look after my kids again.......

im not saying that you should do the same but when you've found out the latest rumor then call them up and tell them the same, that way they will know what they have done wrong and they will know that you know.

Threebabes

flippin36 wrote: »

I think problems with some in laws come about because they discover they have lost some control that they had over their children. They are now being "influenced" by someone else and resentment builds up. I hope when/if my children get married I will remember what a nightmare in laws can be and just let my children live their lives with who they choose.

Hi

Yes I do think that you are right. My inlaws are very strong willed and like to have an element of control over things. Not in our lives though but still in my husbands siblings lives.

Threebabes

mumslave wrote: »

You havent said what your OH thinks? Do you have kids? If so there is a lot more to consider than just your own feelings here. I know family can be a nightmare (i wont even start explaining about mine, we will be here all year) but like most things in life, with a bit of effort and a lot of patience, perhaps things could be resolved. Will your OH still be seeing them? If you have kids, will they?

My husband would probably be happy never to see any of them again, but he doesnt like to rock the boat and anything for an easy life. Yes we have 3 kids, who see very little of my husbands family. We used to see my inlaws once a week then we moved about 20 mins away about 8 year go and its dwindled to hardly any contact at all. We were making all the effort to visit them, then the kids were getting bigger doing activities on a weekend and homework, so our weekends are more tied up. Now its the odd phone call and every 4/6 month we are invited over for a meal. Im happy for my husband to take kids to see them all, not that i think its very likely that he will, but I would never stand in the way.

Threebabes

mumslave wrote: »

Ah how did I miss that must have been pre-coffee. I always think when it comes to families, being the bigger person and trying to resolve things is the way to go, then if it really cant be, then you can walk away with your head held high. I think telling them how you feel, then ignoring them doesnt actually give them any chance to try to make amends, should they wish to.

hi mumslave

Im sick to death of trying with them, its impossible. I dont think it helps that my husband is the black sheep of the family. Hes always been treat different and his brother & sister favoured. The stories hes told me from being a child really upset me. I suppose though having to go through the things he has, has made him a better father to our 3 kids, so I shoudld thank :rolleyes: them really.

I have 3 kids and I cant imagine treating one differently to the other two, we always try to treat them equally.

Threebabes

instaunt wrote: »

I've never had to say it to my in-laws ... but they are obviously well aware of how I feel. Your problem is that you're probably the type of person who needs to be nice to people.

There is an opposite of "how to make friends and influence people" and you don't have to yell at them, make snipey faces or turn your back.

I remember a time I used to go to my inlaws house and my MIl would ignore me and if I spoke I wasnt looked at, I wish I had done it then, when I think back now how bl**dy rude.

Im going to do the drifting away thing. No cards & phone calls ......

Threebabes

Minimum_Wage wrote: »

Hi Threebabes,
Going back many years my youngest daughter had an accident in the park, she banged her teeth on a metal bar of a climbing frame, my wife at the time was working so i called my sister to look after the other two while i went to the hospital just to make sure there wasn't any real damage. I called my wife to say what had happened and that could she pick the girls up from my sister's if i wasn't back in time.

While in the waiting room i had heard conversions between the receptionist and my FIL, he was calling every half an hour and the receptionist was getting rather miffed at being harassed by my FIL. The wife called in just to make sure everything was OK and told me that her dad had been giving her hassle all night along about me not being able to look after kids, This pi$$3d the wife a lot as she knew he was out of order but she knew everything was in hand and then went to pick our other daughters up from my sisters. I finally got home at 1am in the morning to say everything is OK and there was no real damage, the wife told me that she hasn't been able to go to bed as her father had been calling every half an hour to find out if i was home.

So i picked up the phone and told him that "if your going to spread rumors around like i cant look after my own kids then don't bother coming around here" and put the phone down before he had time to say anything. Less than 5 minutes after that he was round banging on the door, to which i stepped out side and he tried pinning me up against my front door. There was a little scuffle and i had him pinned down but in all this scuffle the door had opened and the wife had screamed! i looked up at the front gate to see our friend from down the road. I said to him "don't even think about butting in" his reply was "I'm not, I've come to make sure your wife is OK" as his GF sent him round to make sure everything is ok, as he walked past me he called my wife to put the kettle on. I let the FIL up and told him where to go, he shouted a load of threats and walked off. He stayed away for a while but it soon faded, but he never said that i couldn't look after my kids again.......

im not saying that you should do the same but when you've found out the latest rumor then call them up and tell them the same, that way they will know what they have done wrong and they will know that you know.

Dear me, what a cheek. None of us are perfect as parents but muddle through as best we can.

My SIL knows that I know, but what has happened is she has embellished what had happened to her advantage, I dont think they particularly like me and think the sun shines out of her backside :rolleyes:.

This is just the straw that broke the camels back for me, Ive had enough now of them all.

Butterfly_Brain

I am lucky enough to have great inlaws but my "Family" are and always have been nasty to me so I very rarely see them or keep in touch.
Tell them that they are no longer welcome in your home - it is their loss if they don't see the children or your OH

Steel_2

flippin36 wrote: »

I think problems with some in laws come about because they discover they have lost some control that they had over their children. They are now being "influenced" by someone else and resentment builds up. I hope when/if my children get married I will remember what a nightmare in laws can be and just let my children live their lives with who they choose.

That's part of the problem with my immediate family...they are very domineering and controlling (my family-in-law by contrast are the most lovely people you could ever meet).

My family have done nothing but demand their needs be met above my mine and my husband's, tried to engineer and control situations to their own advantage, threaten to change their wills if I don't play ball, ridicule, belittle and demean both of us at every turn. Phonecalls three or four times a day wanting to know what I was doing and aggressive answerphone messages wanting to know where I was and why I didn't pick up the phone. And then there's the impromptu visits lasting hours at a time (in some cases refusing to go if they'd got in through the door "just for a few minutes to say hello") when they knew I was very busy and working to deadlines.

I finally cut contact after one particularly nasty episode where every mistake I'd ever made had been written down and read to me plus a listing of all my faults. No boundary was sacred or respected and they had no hesitating in destroying any laid down by threats, guilt, bullying or manipulation.

Cutting them off was the single biggest and most important thing I could ever have done for my own peace and sanity, not to mention success of my marriage. I can't tell you how happy I am now.

I don't believe in keeping contact with people who are nasty and emotionally drain you. Life is too short to spend it swallowing down someone else's bile to keep everyone happy or in some belief that you should have to put up with it because they are family.

Some people treat strangers with more kindness and respect than they do their own families and that has to stop.

red_devil

Steel wrote: »

That's part of the problem with my immediate family...they are very domineering and controlling (my family-in-law by contrast are the most lovely people you could ever meet).

My family have done nothing but demand their needs be met above my mine and my husband's, tried to engineer and control situations to their own advantage, threaten to change their wills if I don't play ball, ridicule, belittle and demean both of us at every turn. Phonecalls three or four times a day wanting to know what I was doing and aggressive answerphone messages wanting to know where I was and why I didn't pick up the phone. And then there's the impromptu visits lasting hours at a time (in some cases refusing to go if they'd got in through the door "just for a few minutes to say hello") when they knew I was very busy and working to deadlines.

I finally cut contact after one particularly nasty episode where every mistake I'd ever made had been written down and read to me plus a listing of all my faults. No boundary was sacred or respected and they had no hesitating in destroying any laid down by threats, guilt, bullying or manipulation.

Cutting them off was the single biggest and most important thing I could ever have done for my own peace and sanity, not to mention success of my marriage. I can't tell you how happy I am now.

I don't believe in keeping contact with people who are nasty and emotionally drain you. Life is too short to spend it swallowing down someone else's bile to keep everyone happy or in some belief that you should have to put up with it because they are family.

Some people treat strangers with more kindness and respect than they do their own families and that has to stop.

thats true about families treated strangers with more respect. For anyone who dosent speak to their family what happens if you come face to face for example when out shopping.

What do you tell other people if they mention or ask after your family?