problems with inlaws

Threebabes

SIl has been spreading lies to her parents and brother about me and after years of this, Ive had enough. They make me miserable. Their parents think the sun shines out of the sister & brothers backsides, Im sure this is the tip of the iceberg and a lot of other stuff has gone on that we dont know about.

How do I tell them that they arent welcome in my home any more, that we dont anything to do with them, so do we avoid any telephone calls, or email them, Im not sure I can do it to their faces.

How do you break up with family?

Curious_George_2

have a nice big row... all slam doors on the way out and never speak again!

no matter how you tell these people they arent welcome its not going to get a good reaction,
if you have to do it (and believe me i understand... ive managed to cut nearly all the dead wood out of my family) then dont start with 'i never want to see you again'
you AND your husband could start something more like 'whats this we hear you have been saying now?' ask about the lies (having some truth back up is always good at this point) talk about how you know she has always felt the need to lie about you to others and it will eventually turn into a massive row, its unavoidable
thats when you can tell her the truth.. stay away til you grow up

of course at this point im supposed to ask if theres another way round it, cant you work it out? cant you move/ignore her/stick your fingers in your ears and go nanananananana whenever you see her...
but its early, im in a bad mood and i this is the best i can do

flippin36

What does your OH think/want? Do you have kids? Its tricky as its just not about you that you have to consider here.

Your post could have been written about me a few years ago. We basically stopped inviting them round, thankfully they live far enough to have to ring before they just turn up so we would have excuses ready. BUT my OH would visit them every sunday with kids on his own using the excuse of I need time to clean the house so they thought they were actually doing me a favour by entertaining the kids for a couple of hours.

I usually visit once a year at Christmas to be polite but to be honest I might not even bother with that this year. Life is so much easier since we have just gone our seperate ways. They don't get the opportunity to criticise me and I don't get wound up by them. I see them occassionally when I'm out and about and am able to have polite "chitchat" about the weather etc.

The most important thing is this situation doesn't come between you and your OH nor pull him away from his family if thats not what he wants.

HTH

sneggy

i dumped the out laws years ago, lol its the best thing i ever did

dh & i seperated because of their constant interfering & lies, when dh came back it was on the condition i never had anything to do with them again, he does see them very rarely but even he can see them for what they are!!!!!!!!!
life is bliss with out them but we do see dh brothers & family & they cant stick the in laws either :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:just dont ave the balls to ditch them !!!!
good luck op xxxx

Threebabes

My DH hasnt got any time for any of his family, hes very much an outcast, the black sheep of their family. I would never stop him from taking the kids to visit, though Im not sure how bothered they would be not seeing them, they dont bother with them very much at all. Hes all for not to rocking the boat though.

In the past im the one thats made the effort to visit if we have been invited, he has never wanted to.

Two of my kids birthdays are coming up and i know BIL who is very much in his sisters camp (which is understandable) will call in and I would rather he didnt. So do I nicely tell him hes not welcome? or disappear if and when he turns up? He doesnt ring prior to visiting so I imagine I will have no notice to scarper?

My DH's sister and mother are cut from the same clothe, both !!!!!y, call everyone, critise everything. They do tell us lies, espec my MIL silly little lies about stupid things and I just wonder what goes on in her head ? Ive also found my SIL is just as bad!

:-)

katieclampet

Only you can decided really, but its a difficult one. I never got along with my inlaws, so I just used to see them as little as possible, only when really necessary, just smiled politely and never told them anything at all, just pleasant chit chat.

I was pleased there wasnt a huge falling out, because they both died, quite close together, and in sad circumstances. It would have been sad for oh if he hadnt been able to see them at the end, and go to funeral, without lots of bad feeling.

Sometimes after a big family falling out there is no going back

katiex

Morglin

Threebabes wrote: »

SIl has been spreading lies to her parents and brother about me and after years of this, Ive had enough. They make me miserable. Their parents think the sun shines out of the sister & brothers backsides, Im sure this is the tip of the iceberg and a lot of other stuff has gone on that we dont know about.

How do I tell them that they arent welcome in my home any more, that we dont anything to do with them, so do we avoid any telephone calls, or email them, Im not sure I can do it to their faces.

How do you break up with family?

Write them a letter stating how you feel - and then ignore them totally.

Lin

Steel_2

You don't have to have a big blazing row - if you do, the family may very well outcast you and hold you up as the troublemaker.

Simply reduce all contact with them to nothing - no big announcements, just slowly drift away.
Don't return emails, phonecalls, cards and stop going to family events where they will be there.

I've had to do this with some of my own immediate family as they have been so wickedly nasty and unpleasant. There are some people out there who exist to lie, make trouble, buck responsibility for their actions, create drama and be the centre of attention. You cannot fight them. If you do, they morph into victims and you look like the bully. You just have to take away their source of ammunition. Like a fire without oxygen they eventually burn themselves out after a few years.

If you're going to be "dammed if you do or dammned if you don't" you might as well not bother putting in any effort for the same unpleasant result.

If SIL is like this at all, take the high road. I did and I haven't enjoyed this kind of peace for years!

WannaBeTeenager

can you remember much of these little lies? and how they come about? do you know who started them or if its all of them?

i would confront them with all of this and at the end tell them that you don't want to be apart of these silly little lies and that if they have to do this so that they have something to talk about then they are very sad and you wish to have nothing more to do with them.

Threebabes

Steel wrote: »

You don't have to have a big blazing row - if you do, the family may very well outcast you and hold you up as the troublemaker.

Simply reduce all contact with them to nothing - no big announcements, just slowly drift away.
Don't return emails, phonecalls, cards and stop going to family events where they will be there.

I've had to do this with some of my own immediate family as they have been so wickedly nasty and unpleasant. There are some people out there who exist to lie, make trouble, buck responsibility for their actions, create drama and be the centre of attention. You cannot fight them. If you do, they morph into victims and you look like the bully. You just have to take away their source of ammunition. Like a fire without oxygen they eventually burn themselves out after a few years.

If you're going to be "dammed if you do or dammned if you don't" you might as well not bother putting in any effort for the same unpleasant result.

If SIL is like this at all, take the high road. I did and I haven't enjoyed this kind of peace for years!

HI, thanks for the really good advise.

I am going to start the drifting process straight away, no birthday & xmas cards and wont answer phone calls from them or return msgs.

I dont want a big blow up, I dont think they are the family for a big row, more simpering resentment and sly digs lol.

THanks again, appreciate everyone whos replied.

:-)

Curious_George_2

katieclampet wrote: »

Sometimes after a big family falling out there is no going back

and sometimes thats a good thing