problems with inlaws

alm721

I like the letter idea, gives you a chance to say what you need to without a row and will allow then to read over and THINK about what you've said several times over, sometimes I think this helps as often during a confromtation you get an intial knee jerk reaction whereas when you can go over what was said a few times it becomes easier to see things from the other persons point of view. You could maybe then give it a while before talking to them about it to allow it to settle a bit but no doubt they will have a point of view they wish to share.
Somtimes relationships just cannot ever be resolved but sometimes even the most unlikely things can work out. Your situation is very much like mine was. My sil hated me when I met my hubby she told lots of lies about me to her parents, tried to split us up and even tried to set up my hubby and her friend whilst we were together. Consequently her parents beleived the lies and disliked me, hubby fell out with them and for several years it was a really really difficult relationship. When we married there was more upset at one point I didn't think they'd come (and I didn't want them there tbh), sil said she'd wear black if she cameetc. I really never believed we could get back from it. Things remained difficult until I fell pregnant with my daughter and after she'd been born I realised I had to try and resolve it. I'd had a very difficult childhood and had consequently spent the vast majority of my time with my grandparents and I realised that I could'nt deny her that. It was hard but I asked my sil to be her godmother and invited my pil aroung etc. Things changed a lot after this and 10 years later we have a healthy respect for each other. I will never forget what happened nor will I ever understand some of the descions my pil or sil make. We are very fundamentally different and I do not really like the way they live nor how they can treat people and I'm sure they probably disagree with how I live BUT they are still my hubbys family and my childrens grandparents and we have found a way to get by.
Im not suggesting that this can always be the case nor that everyone at odds with their families should try and resolve things but I just wanted to let the op know that even the most strained relationship can be resloved sometimes. Maybe the situation can yet be resolved.

Greener_Grass

I personally don't think the letter is a good idea. I used to get on great with my MIL (or so I thought) then she sent me a letter telling me all my faults and how I had to sort myself out!!!:eek:

Needless to say I was furious:mad:, My OH wouldn't say boo to a goose and didn't want me to say anything about it and just ignore it, No chance. After 2 days of simmering on it I phoned her up and screamed at her!!:eek: I just couldn't hold back any more! Needless to say things have never been the same since and MIL always makes comments about people OH and her mutually know and how lovely thier girlfriend is :rolleyes:.

It bothers me sometimes we don't see them very often but then OH talks to them and I'm angry all over again! :rotfl:

red_devil

we dont talk to oh family. we find although they arent in our life and its better it never really goes away.

The brother lives local and will often drive past and honk his horn or call out hello in town in a loud voice weird when we arent speaking, or you will see them out and about. Still there isnt anything you can do if you live close.

red_devil

Greener_Grass wrote: »

I personally don't think the letter is a good idea. I used to get on great with my MIL (or so I thought) then she sent me a letter telling me all my faults and how I had to sort myself out!!!:eek:

lol i would have sent one back outlining all her faults. Dont people realise its a 2 way thing.

flippin36

I think problems with some in laws come about because they discover they have lost some control that they had over their children. They are now being "influenced" by someone else and resentment builds up. I hope when/if my children get married I will remember what a nightmare in laws can be and just let my children live their lives with who they choose.

mumslave

You havent said what your OH thinks? Do you have kids? If so there is a lot more to consider than just your own feelings here. I know family can be a nightmare (i wont even start explaining about mine, we will be here all year) but like most things in life, with a bit of effort and a lot of patience, perhaps things could be resolved. Will your OH still be seeing them? If you have kids, will they?

red_devil

families are tactless and dont realise its impossible to please everyone all the time.

They think its acceptable to behave badly or write letters saying what they think of you and still be friends.

This is my thinking if you wouldnt take it from a friend why take it from family.

More praise is need than moaning too.

flippin36

mumslave wrote: »

You havent said what your OH thinks? Do you have kids? If so there is a lot more to consider than just your own feelings here. I know family can be a nightmare (i wont even start explaining about mine, we will be here all year) but like most things in life, with a bit of effort and a lot of patience, perhaps things could be resolved. Will your OH still be seeing them? If you have kids, will they?

Threebabes said (post 5) that OH doesn't want much to do with them and that the in laws aren't that interested in the kids. (Sorry I don't know how to do multiple quotes!!:o)

If thats the case then there is little point in trying to make amends and it might be a positive thing for their family, and certainly makes it all less complicated.

My kids still see that side of the family, and as long as they don't try stirring up any trouble with them, I'm happy for them to continue visiting. My OH doesn't leave the kids unsupervised with them, as they did once grumble about me infront of them. I can't realistically cut all ties as I have to think of the kids and the relationship they have with them. So I have just withdrawn myself. My OH doesn't discuss me and I don't ask about them. It actually works and I've let go of all the hurt. I don't mind them disapproving of me in fact I quite like it!

mumslave

flippin36 wrote: »

Threebabes said (post 5) that OH doesn't want much to do with them and that the in laws aren't that interested in the kids. (Sorry I don't know how to do multiple quotes!!:o)

If thats the case then there is little point in trying to make amends and it might be a positive thing for their family, and certainly makes it all less complicated.

My kids still see that side of the family, and as long as they don't try stirring up any trouble with them, I'm happy for them to continue visiting. My OH doesn't leave the kids unsupervised with them, as they did once grumble about me infront of them. I can't realistically cut all ties as I have to think of the kids and the relationship they have with them. So I have just withdrawn myself. My OH doesn't discuss me and I don't ask about them. It actually works and I've let go of all the hurt. I don't mind them disapproving of me in fact I quite like it!

Ah how did I miss that must have been pre-coffee. I always think when it comes to families, being the bigger person and trying to resolve things is the way to go, then if it really cant be, then you can walk away with your head held high. I think telling them how you feel, then ignoring them doesnt actually give them any chance to try to make amends, should they wish to.

luxor4t

Greener_Grass wrote: »

I personally don't think the letter is a good idea. I used to get on great with my MIL (or so I thought) then she sent me a letter telling me all my faults ......

MiL can't spell well enough for all my faults

OP, I'd stick with the gentle drifting away. I think the letter is a bad idea in this case as all you'll get is the knee-jerk reaction & they'll be to angry/upset to actually read the letter.