Marriage problems?

Lucylocket01

My husband plays an online game called second life. He chats away to various ppl online. He has a friend who he talk to more than the others. A female who lives in America.
I have found out that he has been chatting to her while he's at work via skype and also via skype on the laptop once i'm in bed.
Last week he fell asleep without logging off the laptop and I was able to read the chat history. It appears that they have been having a sexual relationship albeit via web cam and voice.
As you can imagine I am so hurt. He has done this before with another woman also from America and he promised nothing like that would happen again.
We have been married 20odd years and I'm sure our sex life is a little dull compared to when we first met.
I have told him I've read it and it says he's really sorry, he just got carried away flirting and so on. He's sorry he's hurt me again.
In the past I've bounced back but this time i feel really deflated, like i've lost my spark if u know what I mean.
Thanks for listening
Lucy

Any

Hi Lucy,

Really sorry to hear that... Second life is like an illness/addiction... lots of people do it which doesn't make it hurt less or normal. There was even a program on the TV about it. Some people carry it into their normal life as well... quite often when they are met with the real person in real life for prolonged period of time they find that it is nothing like the dream they lived in while on the PC...

Do you know whether they ever planned to meet up etc??

Lucylocket01

Oh no they would never meet up. I think this is why he chose someone from America.
He hates flying and she has a husband and child too.
And yeah he is atticted to it.

Silverbird

Hi there

I'm sorry you're going through this and I would feel hurt and betrayed as well.

If it were me I would tell him to quit the game totally and for me his reaction to that request would tell me whether or not he was truly sorry to have hurt me and whether or not he felt strongly enough about me to give it up. It would tell me all I needed to know.

Best of wishes to you at this difficult time x

whydoesithappen

Hi Lucy, I really feel for you, even though your OH hasn't been physical I think sometimes the emotional cheating is far worse. You say he has been having an online sexual relationship, webcam or otherwise this would be far more hurtful to me as it is creating desire, he doesn't actually get to physically be with this woman and personal opinion is desire lasts far longer.

Kandipandi

I agree! Ask him to stop playing, otherwise each time he is on there you will be sat wondering what is going on.
He obvioulsly cant be trusted to he must quit the game. If he cares about hurting you it will not be a problem for him.
Sorry this happened to you its awful! x

Lucylocket01

I know what you mean. I think he's basically just bored and thats how all this has started.
Kids in bed, I watch tv, he goes on laptop.
I not great with words but u get my drift..
he has said he would stop playing if i wanted him to. I want him to want to stop not me bending his arm though. If he hasnt been on, he just sits there looking really bored while i'm watching corrie say. In the nd i say oh for godsake go on it. he says no no i dont want to if it upsets u.
But having him sat there with his mind somewhere else make me feel as bad as if he was online. If u know what i mean

MrsTinks

Whether or not people think it's innocent etc because it's only online and woudl never happen in the flesh then it's upset you, he's done it before and KNEW you'd be upset and because of that alone it needs to stop. Put your foot down

Errata

If he was my OH his lappy would be in the recyling bin - and he'd know why withoug having to ask me for an explanation. If he did question my actions my first sentence would start "How dare you............." I'm sure you get the drift.

Kandipandi

Lucylocket01 wrote: »

I know what you mean. I think he's basically just bored and thats how all this has started.
Kids in bed, I watch tv, he goes on laptop.
I not great with words but u get my drift..
he has said he would stop playing if i wanted him to. I want him to want to stop not me bending his arm though. If he hasnt been on, he just sits there looking really bored while i'm watching corrie say. In the nd i say oh for godsake go on it. he says no no i dont want to if it upsets u.
But having him sat there with his mind somewhere else make me feel as bad as if he was online. If u know what i mean

I know exactly what you mean I was a WOW widow for a long time and after about a year I lost it and explained how fed up I was that he spent every spare waking moment on the PC playing a game! He did stop playing and we do spend much more time together and it is better, but sometimes I feel like you, he will join me on the couch and I will be watching something he hates (like Corrie) and he will suggest something I hate (like a WW2 documentary) and we end up picking someting to watch that neither of us likes - I guess thats democracy, everyone gets what no one wants !!
Sometimes it gets on my wick and I send him away to play (:rotfl:),just so he is not sat there with a face like an a%$e and I can watch what I want in peace.
The rule I did set about online games was that I didnt mind chatting with others as long as it was related to the game. I would not be very happy if he was sat chatting to some other woman, even about his day at work, whilst I was sat alone on the couch contemplating my navel!

You get what I mean though - but I think that game your OH plays does not lend itself to in game only (or roleplaying) type chat. So for me that would be a no no, ask him to get rid of it and get obsessed with something that is not online. The Sims 3 is a bit like the game he plays, maybe he can get into that?
But maybe its the chat he likes rather than the game and if that is the case you need a good long chat to get this ironed out.

Hope you get some relief from this soon x

flippin36

It may be a bit OT but me and my OH have completely different taste in TV and films. So I watch TV in the evening, and he's on the laptop next to me. We can still communicate with each other (we talk about what each of us are watching or reading). It kind of works for us as we don't feel seperated in an evening yet we can still please ourselves. I think in your situation the computer might be best used as part of the family room.

I imagine with the invention of laptops lots of couples have, mentally and emotionally gone their seperate ways as they are so portable, which is a bit sad. If you want to make things work you will have to set new ground rules that don't completely restrict his computer activity but allows you to trust him again.

I would be very hurt too.

Good luck