How to handle the OH! My fault

ema_o

It does sound like you need to go through and make a budget.
OH and I have a joint account and when we first moved in together I was trying to keep on top of it, sort bills out, make overpayments on the mortgage. He left me to it because he thought I was on top of everything, but I ended up getting in a mess with it as well. I was really worried about admitting it, but when I did he was a big help, just both of us keeping track of where we are with money made a big difference and it is all sorted now. We have seperate accounts for food, yearly expenses etc and this makes it far easier to budget and to see if we are getting towards our limit (so we cut down before it gets there).

It is not like you spent the money on yourself, it is all stuff for the family. It does sound like he might not be putting in enough, but if you go through your budget together you should get to the bottom of it.

bestpud

I know you say he earns more but who gets the child benefit and tax credits, if applicable?

As for the chat:

Get a sheet of paper ready and, together, list all your household ingoings and outgoings.

Once that is done, work out how much each of you needs for personal spending.

Lastly, work out disposable income, and it should be roughly the same. If not, you need to adjust the arrangement until it is.

Personally, I'd only let him take over if that is how you want it and I have big issues with people reading my mail.

Not because I have anything to hide, although I realise that is every snoop's first response, but rather I believe everyone has the right to privacy. Maybe that's just me but combined with you saying he will just take over, I think you maybe need to start being a bit more assertive in your relationship.

Don't go along to be told off as you are equals. See it as a way of looking at what went wrong and an opportunity for the two of you to sort it out.

Any

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

What's the point in having separate bank accounts if one of you can berate the other regarding your spending?

I agree.

But if the spending is for general household expenses, then there is something seriously wrong... In this case it seems that the budget/split of bills was made while ago and then forgoten about... And the expense went up (just as everything nowadays) and the OP was covering the extra expense without notifying her OH...

OP I think your OH is completely right - you do need to talk!!
(If all this is true and all the money is going on household expenses, then I don't think you have to worry about your OH's reaction..)

Good luck

wobbly

thankyou everyone feel a bit stronger hopefully all will be sorted out tonight.

mrcow

Just make it clear - if he wants to have a go, then fine, but you're not going to listening. You made a mistake and you're sorry and it won't happen again. It's hardly the crime of the century - you need to keep some perspective.

If he wants to have a chat about how to resolve things to ensure that it doesn't happen again - then great. It's probably a discussion you need to have. Perhaps you need to take a look at your monthly resources and who they are spread. If there is assymetry in your budget, then it should be addressed to make it fair.

You sounds very stressed / down. I hope that you're intending to bring this up too.

Zazen999

You probably need one account together, which is topped up each month by the amount that you need to cover ALL bills and food expenses; which an amount of both of your wages goes into depending on your income.

As an example...So, if you get £500 per month and he gets £1000; and the account needs £900 to cover all bills then your proportion is a third [£300] and his is 2 thirds [£600]. It's so simple to do! And it means that if you need top ups then you both put a little more in.

Silverbird

I've got to say that I do feel it's out of order to open somebody else's post, whether you're married to them or not. It was also likely marked private and confidential if it was a statement and therefore should only be opened by the addressee. My post is for me and me only and despite having absolutely nothing to hide I would be rather upset if my husband opened my post unless there was a very good reason. What possible reason would he have for opening it?

Anyway, there are clearly very different views regarding this, so I won't go any further except to say that if you feel strongly that he shouldn't have opened your personal post then please do ensure he knows this and that it's not acceptable to you.

With regards to your problem, try and stay calm and just explain how things have built up. You should have told him sooner, but you didn't and it's not the worst thing in the whole world (although it probably may seem like it at the moment). Next time try to be more open and let him know what's going on. This openness may indeed prevent another relapse such as this, as you can both help each other through particularly difficult times.

I would also suggest that you both note down exactly what you are paid each month and what goes out on bills and make sure you're both paying the same percentage of your wages on bills. This is the most fair way of doing things that I can see, although I know every couple are different. If I were to earn more than my husband I would immediately expect to pay more towards the bills.

I do hope you get things sorted later. It sounds like you're feeling very down and this can certainly have an effect on spending. Perhaps your husband can help with this by giving you a strict budget or keeping hold of your cards for you until you're feeling more like yourself.

Best wishes and good luck x

MrsTinks

I have to say that if you have 2 kids together of that age then time for keeping things hidden from each other should be long gone
Do an SOA for this evening and then sit down with him and do one together...

Good tool we use over on the DFW board: http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

ema_o

Have to pipe up and say the % thing is one way of doing it, however we split things so we both get the same amount of spending money as our salaries are quite different, otherwise one of us would end up with far more than the other. Might be another idea to explore.

Idiophreak

Silverbird wrote: »

I've got to say that I do feel it's out of order to open somebody else's post, whether you're married to them or not. It was also likely marked private and confidential if it was a statement and therefore should only be opened by the addressee. My post is for me and me only and despite having absolutely nothing to hide I would be rather upset if my husband opened my post unless there was a very good reason. What possible reason would he have for opening it?

Half the time I'll pick up the mail and open it / file it / throw out the junk. Half the time my GF will do it. The reason is that it's quicker and easier than both doing it every day...Never thought of it as the slightest issue.