Advice on ex's new partner meeting son

marshmallows

why does it bother you because she is 22?

maggied_2

I agree with Duchy.

It's your ex's decision as well as yours and I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate him telling you what to do with respect to new partners and your son's upbringing. If he was good enough for you to have a child with then he should be good enough to make these decisions.

I'm a step mum and at first I wasnt at all involved in caring for / discipline / feeding side of things - only as much as I would be if I was with a friend's child and I was another adult present. My OH lead and only over the years have we built up to me more having a more active role.

I do think it's a bit soon for him to be introducing someone FWIW, but by the same token you've split up and can't have control over all aspects of your son's life anymore. Don't get me wrong - I would find that difficult!

Also with his new girlfriend - she is fairly young - maybe she doesn't want to be assessed by her new boyfriend's ex - who would?

Pee

The trouble is, you probably aren't going to like her... and I can see that it would be intimidating to meet the mother of a new partner's child - that's a woman who has history with your partner and who is going to be a threat and a worry in a new relationship - but it doesn't seem too much to ask to meet her.

Shelldean

I'm a lot further down the line than you. My DD is now 17, we split when she was 3 mths. And I know how you feel about an unknown person caring for you child I would never have been happy.

My DD only ever saw her dad when she was tiny when his mum was there. She went two nights a week. However if her Nan worked she simply didn't go. I didn't and still don't believe he has any parenting skills. So the agreement was she only went when his mum was there to be primary carer. This worke wonderfully and DD has a wonderful relationship with her Nan.

You state your son's Nan is his primary carer when he's with his Dad, can you not ask if the new girlfriend meets you son at his Nans. He will be happy whle he is with his Nan and if he feels uncomfy at all he'll have nanny for cuddle and to reassure him.


BTW my ex is now engaged and has been for several yrs and TBH in recent yrs I've taken to contacting her as she is SO much more reliable and trustworthy than he is!!!!!

zoesmummy_2006

I have the same problem, my ex walked away from me and our 2 kids saying he wanted to be single and on his own and find himself again etc etc, yet 6 weeks after seperating he's started seeing a girl, they went on a date last thurs, she's been stopping in our house with him, in our bedroom since then while all my stuff is still there while i wait for somewhere for me and the kids to live come up. he came to take them yesterday avo after i basically had to force him to and started on with how THEY want to be able to spend time with the kids, and THEY want to do things with the kids etc etc. this is after a grand total of 4 days!!!!!!!!!! and he expects me to allow that right now, despite the fact that 4 days before their date he was professing his love to the lil sis of his best mates wife and telling her that he wanted to be with her. he's also been continually late collecting them, hasnt been giving them tea etc before bringing them back at bedtime, hasnt been changing our 14 month old's nappy during the time he spends with them. at the min he just doesnt seem stable to look after them himself, and why on earth would i consider letting his new girl spend time with my children after 4 days and based on his rollercoaster emotions at the min. my daughter was asking her daddy why he no longer loves mummy on the phone earlier, which broke my hear, he just kept saying that he loves her. she doesnt understand yet and right now she doesnt need to see daddy flaunting his new girlfriend, especially not in the home that our daughter knows as ours! he's also not paying maintenence for them, yet thinks nothing of going shopping with the new girl and spending money then pleading poverty to everyone to make them feel sorry for himself. I have access to our joint account still at the min and have seen money he's been spending over the last few days. he seems to think that cos i'm now getting benefits that i should provide everything for the kids. i'm currently trying to save £1000 for a deposit and 1st months rent on a house for me and the kids while we're staying at my parents, but have just paid £100 into the joint account as we have a secured loan and loan to his parents to pay. in my eyes he's got everything he wants and has had everything his eway since he walked away, all i'm asking is that he waits til i feel happy that he's certain about them before he introduces his new girlfriend. i've already said that at this moment i have no interest in even looking for another bloke but when i do eventually meet someone i'll be making sure that he means something to me before introducing him to the most important things in my life. my children have laready seen their daddy walk away, i dont intend to let them see a stream of men come in and out of their life. and i expect the same from him.

Chloepad1

I think you are absolutely correct in being careful about who is permitted to be around your child. I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to meet this lady, just to reassure yourself that she is mature enough to handle the potential responsibility of looking after a young child.

red_devil

purplegirluk1 wrote: »

Hi,
I have posted about my recent breal up before. Basically my ex OH left around three months ago. He then started seeing another girl three weeks later. We discussed what this meant for our son (20 months) and I asked that he did not introduce her to our son. I feel that our son should only meet any partners of either of us when we are sure the relationship is a lasting one, my ex agreed to this and had kept to it as far as I know. Now he is asking that our son meet his girlfriend. They have been together for a few months and I am not happy that this is long enough to let our son meet her. I have not even met her and had hoped that it would be a natural progression where I meet his girlfriend a few times etc then we let her meet our son. I had thought this was a long way off. This is what I would do if I met someone new as I just cannot see how meeting new partners that may not stay around will benefit our son. Does anyone have any advice to offer? How should I broach this with my ex?

stop trying to control the situation. I think its up to your oh tbh! You cant ever know when the relationship is going to last. Go with the flow. I am sure your little one will be fine.

purplegirluk1

Red devil - As my sons full time carer I have full control of his life and this situation comes under that. My ex and I are joint parents and have to agree on things regarding our son.

Well to undate you - we had a chat yesterday and I got to the bottom of his reason for bringing it up. Firstly he felt that I was saying one thing and doing anothethr. He has convinced himself that I am seeing someone, a person he does not like, and that this person has been here while our son is. I explained that this is untrue, he is a friend and is living with my best friend, and also that he has nothing to do with our son. Secondly he was asking as he wants to be able to pick his girlfriend up from work with our son in the car and to take her shopping when he was him. I asked him about meeting her and what her opinions are and he said she hasn't even mentioned meeting him and that it was more to do with the fact he thought I was seeing someone! I am not surprised, this is exactly what he is like. Anyway I left him to go and speak to her about what she wants to do, for all he knows she might not want to meet our son! I have a feeling he was just being jealous and trying to cause problems. The converstaion went well though and I think he left feeling reassured that I only have our sons best interests at heart and that I would not go introducing our son to new partners lightly.

red_devil

. My ex and I are joint parents and have to agree on things regarding our son.


you''ll learn its impossible for split parents to agree on everything you muddle on. Do you really think all through your sons life you'll agree on everything dream on.

Its all part and parcel of splitting up all these niggles. You've got years of it yet. Im not sure how you are expecting people on here you havent met to solve it all for you! We all have problems just different ones its life!

purplegirluk1

red-devil - I am not asking people I have never met to solve my problems for me. I am using the forum for its purpose, to offer advice and support, some of which has been very useful. If you do not like what I am asking or do not want to offer advice then feel free to not reply.

I realise we may not always agree but that is the same in a family that has not split. It is just importand for us to be able to talk and try to reach an agreement on all aspects of our sons unbringing.