Advice on ex's new partner meeting son

woody01

Sorry to say, but it sounds more like you are protecting yourself rather than your son.

It should be if the boys dad is comfortable with the meeting rather than you. Although he is your son, he also has a father that can make that decision without your help.

If you had a boyfriend, and he came to visit, would you call the boys dad and ask him to take him out of the way so the lad wouldnt see him? Nope.

Just speaking from a dads pov.

marshmallows

It's very good that you and your x can talk about this

I think if your x is asking after agreeing not to introduce your son to anyone until he knew it would be a long term relationship then i think you should let him, i think if he thought it wouldnt last then he wouldnt even be asking

I also think you should trust him as you saying you want to meet her first is pretty much telling your x you do not trust his judgement

Pee

I can understand how you feel, but I had a friend, who was just a friend, with a little girl and there was no big deal about me meeting her and she also met my ex and then one day me and my ex were no longer together and my ex had moved away and then I had moved away and I didn't see her for literally years, when I bump into her in the supermarket and don't recognise her - fortunately it was obvious who she was as she was with her Dad. It honestly didn't seem like a big deal to her. I think we all learn that some people come and go from our lives and some people are constant...

Gingham_Ribbon

It's difficult but if your ex is responsible enough to look after the baby, then who else is there and what they do really has to be his decision.

Personally, I don't think new partners should be introduced to children so soon after a break-up. I think it's confusing and upsetting for the children. But that is your ex's decision to make, no-one else's. You can provide stability and certainty at home. If your ex is rushing things all you can realistically do is support your child through any confusion.

purplegirluk1

kindofagilr - That is true but she chose to be with someone with a child and I am sure she sees that he will come first. I don't think that is a problem for them.

Woody01- No I am afraid it is not anything about protecting myself, I am more than happy to meet her. My son has never been cared for by someone I don't know and I feel uncomfortable passing him over to my ex when I know that someone else will be sharing the care of him. My ex seems to understand this, I am hoping that his girlfirend understands this too. My ex meeting his new gf was a releif to me as it has stopped him pressuring me! Well a bit anyway, he still makes comments.

Marshmallows - My ex is not the most reliable of guys and has some dubious friends, he understands that I do not like our son being around certain people and agrees with this. I am sure he sees that I only have our sons best intersts in mind. I am more than happy for our son to meet a long term partner but a few months is not serious, especially as it started only a few weeks after we broke up and there was some cross over.

Pee - I know he wont remember her if they break up, I just worry that he will be with another person who I don't know. I just feel like I need to have some kind of friendship with her so we all have our sons best interests in mind.

purplegirluk1

Thanks Gingham Ribbon - My ex very rarely has our son alone, his mother (sons nan) does almost everything for him, makes lunch and dinner, bathes my son. I wish he was more responsible then perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. I think the fact she is only 22 worries me to, ex and I are 27. I am happy for my son to meet new partners but it is so soon, he isn't used to daddy not being here yet and finds it very diffucult when he leaves.

tanith

I don't understand why people can't just be introduced to a child as Mum or Dad's friend, kids like things kept simple and its the grown ups who complicate things.... most people have friends and just because a certain person 'may' be a prospective long term partner the kids don't need to know this till further down the line.... its the father that should be looking after the child during contact anyway , and if a friend happened to be there then just treat as you would an ordinary meeting of your mates.... don't make a big event of it, its just like any other day .... its simple.... then if that particular 'friend' disappears then its no big deal to the child..they probably won't even notice... especially the younger ones... I think the adults are the ones who find all sorts of difficulties that really can be overcome by keeping it simple

Pee

If you would feel better if you met her, can't that be arranged?

purplegirluk1

Tanith - I am just worried that she is a person I do not know, so far in my sons life I have known or met every perosn who had cared for him and no this feels weird to be handing him over to someone I have never even spoken to. I just need to feel that I trust her.

Pee - Yes this what I want to happen, I just think its too soon, I am not sure that she will want to meet me, the only time I have ever seen her she crossed the road to get away from me! Ex also said that she is intimidated by me 'cos im so pretty! All sounds so childish to me. Ex and I are going to talk about it this evening, he said he will spoeak to his gf about arranging a meeting, we will see what she says.

duchy

As your son doesn't presently stay overnight and your ex's Mum is around I wouldn't make too much of a big deal about it.
If he's playing games then he'll be getting what he wants if you do.

As for meeting her first-when my ex and I split up I made it clear I didn't want his new girlfriend around our son-I knew her too, she was an element in the breakup and I knew she hated kids-he went along with it and when he met someone else wanted to take her and her young daughter away with my son on holiday fairly early on -as they were going abroad I DID ask to meet her first and all was well-I really liked her but after they split he kept wanting to introduce me to new partners and I said no -I didn't see the point-I trusted him to make wise choices. There was one horror who was a nightmare -and my son didn't want to visit-and I suspect that ended the relationship sooner rather than later. Ultimately you trusted this man enough to be the father of your child and presumably trusted him to be a caregiver when you were together. Unless that isn't the case now I'd take a hands off approach and unless this girl is going to be a primary carer which sounds unlikely -keep some distance.