Advice on ex's new partner meeting son

purplegirluk1

Hi,
I have posted about my recent breal up before. Basically my ex OH left around three months ago. He then started seeing another girl three weeks later. We discussed what this meant for our son (20 months) and I asked that he did not introduce her to our son. I feel that our son should only meet any partners of either of us when we are sure the relationship is a lasting one, my ex agreed to this and had kept to it as far as I know. Now he is asking that our son meet his girlfriend. They have been together for a few months and I am not happy that this is long enough to let our son meet her. I have not even met her and had hoped that it would be a natural progression where I meet his girlfriend a few times etc then we let her meet our son. I had thought this was a long way off. This is what I would do if I met someone new as I just cannot see how meeting new partners that may not stay around will benefit our son. Does anyone have any advice to offer? How should I broach this with my ex?

Oldernotwiser

Why would you expect to meet your ex's new girlfriend?

Paparika

problem is she may be around for a few months or a few years, as long as baby knows who mummy and daddy are and the new female doesn't expect baby to call her mummy too....

The meet has to happen at some point, if she has been around for a few months, she's not a bit of fluff he just picked up,

give it ago, or...how long would you want to hold back. you are the only one to decide.

I can only go by my own experience, i split up with my ex. and when i got a new partner a few months later, i made it clear to him that meeting my son wasn't going to happen until i was comfortable with it, so it was a fair few months.

ds was 4 at that stage and i always told him that this was not his new daddy (even now at 14 he knows OH (yes still together) is not his father replacement.

my ex has had a string of girlfriends over the last 10 years and was careful about who our son saw.

Anyhoooo they are going to meet at some point...if your ex wasn't sure his gf wasn't worth it, do you think he would want her to meet your child?

purplegirluk1

I just feel that if someone is going to meet my son and be taking part in caring for him as he is a baby I need to have atleast met them. I am my sons full time carer and would never dream of leaving him with someone I have never met. My ex agrees with this and would expect him to meet any new partner of mine. This is not really the issue, more to do with the time.

purplegirluk1

Thanks Paparika - That is just it, I need to know what she feels her part in his life will be. They have been together for a few months but it started while he was still trying to get back with me and is based on a lot of lies. I am wary that it will not last I suppose and I know what he is like. I am worrying that there will be a string of different girlfriends coming in and out of our sons life.

Money_maker

I would also want to meet her first - just from a parents point of view.

I have a 20 month old who meets a sucession of people when out and about. She only remembers those she meets regularly and is certainly not old enough to know quite what part they play in her life. Obviously this will change as George gets older but at the moment, if you meet her and are happy for her to be around him then he will know no different.

purplegirluk1

Money maker - That is what I was thinking, I just want to ensure that she is the kind if person I would be happy being around my son. I also want to hear from her what role she thinks she will play. She is 5 years younger than me (22) and so I worry what she thinks about being around our son etc.

Money_maker

Few other points to look at after checking one or two of your old posts. Is he still drinking? May not seem relevant but if your son is with them and he has been drinking, she may become primarily responsible for your son by default. Also, does she actually want to meet him or was it his idea? If she is quite keen to meet him, would it be impossible to perhaps strike up a friendship with this girl so she would be happy to speak to you should a problem arise and you could give her a few pointers on how to keep George happy?

Bit of a minefield really, but its still early days for them.

purplegirluk1

He never drinks when he has our son as he drives to collect him and drop him off. Our son does not stay over with him either so luckily that wont be a problem at the moment!

I don't know if she wants to meet him, it was his idea and actualy came out when he thought that I was seeing someone else and that they were involved in our sons life. In fact it was my best friends ex and friend of mine who babysat for us both so we could go out. It all seems like one of his games to me but I am taking it seriously as I deeply care about how our son id affected by our break up.

That is what I had hoped would happen, I am not unhappy about their relationship now and would be happy to have a friendly relationship with her, it would be better for our son. I just wish that it could happen naturally in a few more months time.

Jo_R_2

I understand where you are coming from. I was unsure of how to handle the situation when my ex met someone, he too wanted his girlfriend to meet my DDs when I thought they hadn't been together that long.

I put it off but he kept pushing and then when I eventually agreed, it was all set up... and on the day she freaked out and stayed at home. Cue one very confused older DD (she was 3) and me being left in the middle of town with the girls as he "had" to go back to be with her.

Anyway despite that we negotiated it all, and as it panned out they got married and she is great with DDs. I think it is completely sensible to be concerned and he may be playing some kind of game but you are right to take it seriously, take cautious but reasonable steps, if he is trying to provoke a reaction and sees that he is not getting that by you handling things well then he may well step back. Perhaps fighting fire with water might change his mind if he *is* doing it as a game, or if he is indeed serious then the calm considered approach is the best way of going about it.

kindofagilr

The only problem I can think of in not letting her meet him is that she may feel that your son is getting in the way of her relationship?

For example if Ex is saying to his gf I cant see you today I am seeing my son, then she may feel put out?

Just another thought to put in there.

I would say though, do what you feel comfortable with, if you don't want her meeting him before you do then arrange a meeting of you all.