He spent our money on beer

Jo_R_2

Hi guys

After doing lots of planning for my upcoming maternity leave, factoring in boyfy's student loan so we had some money set aside after buying some stuff we needed, I have recently found out he was spent the last £500 of it - basically on beer.

I have rein of pretty much everything financially except for his student loan which goes into his account. We bought a pushchair and nappies from it, and treated ourselves to a couple of nights out for friend's birthdays.

We hadn't been getting on very well the last couple of months and so he had been going out quite a bit, and seemingly spending the money on these nights out, lunches with friends and so on. Now, not wanting to seem the ogre, I did say nearly every other day helpfully that he needed to transfer the money that was left into a savings account, some to save and a little to buy a couple of other things we need. I must admit that I half tried to ignore how he kept putting it off as I felt he would understand how important it was to save this money.

Anyway I confronted him about it last week and made him look in his account to see how much there was left... and he'd spent £500, the last bit of it. He was apologetic and we did agree in future I would have rein of the student loan by way of his bank card. The thing is, I feel so angry that he has done this, and no matter what I say/do, nothing is going to get that money back. The even worse thing is that I pretty much knew what he was doing, but because I was hanging onto a vain hope that having bailed him out before more than once, I was being untrusting and cynical and he had only dipped in once or twice that he told me about.

The more I think about it, the angrier I am... For example, our two-year-old DD needs a new mattress for her bed, we had planned a little trip to Ireland to stay with relatives before baby was born and I had also hoped to put aside some money for car tax which needs renewing whilst I will be on maternity leave.

Do people really change? I bailed him out when we moved in together with a loan in my name, agreed we would discuss any even tiny financial decisions together before ever taking out any more credit or spending anything, and then found out he had taken out a storecard and run up an amount on it without me knowing and without him being able to pay it off, because he didn't want to seem ungenerous at Christmas. Then he goes and does this two months before #2 is born, knowing that I am main earner and will only be on statutory maternity pay, so we will be short and need any spare cash we can get our hands on.

I have seriously considered chucking him out short of knowing what else to do...

Any advice or tips from people who have "been there"?

lynzpower

I havent been where you are, so giving you a massive hug.

If it was down to me, Id be going this one alone and kicking him out. Ultimatum time.

He doenst seem to have changed as what is vital money for his own childs future hes willing to pi55 up the wall. Am I harsh? Yeah, I am quite a harsh person, but where I come from you sort your kids out first, then look after yourself from the overflow. This sort of thing winds me up no end. I just cannot conceptulise why he would do this, except, and dare I say it, spite? Do you think he has done this to a) avoid you and the money-nagging b) to do your head in? c) he generally doenst think. d)he generally doenst care e) some other reason.

i dont really want to participate in a "i hate men" discussion, as i dont, but what hes doing really seems to be destructive, and if you want to save your relationship, Id be looking for answers. And quickly.

Lots of love to you
Moany old bag Lynz
x

Broken_hearted

I would well do acualy control all the money in our household. Trust has to be earned and you both need to sort this out now.

Annie_Fanny

How old are you both? Is it just down to immaturity on his part? Obviously he could be any age but I just wonder? Whatever age he is he is obviously 'not with the program'!

Do you have a mortgage? Is moving in with parents an option?

Are you still paying off the loan that bailed him out? If so - yeah I would kick him right into the street!

If he has time to go to the pub - can he get a job instead?

:mad:

Bestthingsinlifearefree

Sounds like he needs to take his responsibilites as a father of two children a lot more seriously.

I would certainly have no have further kids with him until he can take responsibility for the one he already has and the one on the way.

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him about the responsibilities of being a father and a parent.

To spend money on beer when your kids need something......well I won't go on.

I wish you well, take care of yourself.

sneekymum

It sounds like he hasn't grown up yet.

Is that a good role model for children?

Dead_Eye_Jones

Its easy to say this as an impartial spectator who doesnt know either of you, and I realise the situation is prob much more complex, but from what ive just read Im thinking is this guy really committed? I can only think that he isnt. If the only way this guy can contribute to the realtionship is if you are controlling 100% of his spending it suggests he has other priorities right now. He doesnt really want to be in this situation. If he did, he'd be happy to not spend his money in the first place.

I think you should judge him by his actions, not his words. He'll tell you one thing, but do another. Move on.

eddie_2-2

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time.
This type of stress is bad enough without being pregnant.

Sometimes people can do some stupid things, even reckless and destructive things because they desperately want to bring a situcation to a head.
It may be that he is unhappy and doesn't want to hurt anyone, so endeavours just to keep quiet. However, he can't control his behaviour which is actually telling the real truth. This could be for many reasons.

Kevicho

sneekymum wrote:

It sounds like he hasn't grown up yet.

Is that a good role model for children?

I was trying to find a way of putting that politely

Having kids is responsibility, it sounds like he cant take care of himself (i was in a similar position a few years back and luckily i escaped fatherhood - but i know this was for the best)

rchddap1

Hard for me to respond to this one as I'm a bit 'emotional' at the moment. This must be extremely hard for you to work out what to do. However, considering you have one on the way please don't get yourself stressed over this. Even though I can understand the instinct to shout and scream or to cry for hours. Taking £500 that was to go towards your unborn child is....well...I can't really say it here (but as I said I'm 'emotional' right now).

You must do what you think is right for yourself and your kids. And especially now when your partner should be doing whatever he can to support you. Deep down I suspect you already know what you think you may have to do to sort this out. Trust yourself.

black-saturn

Normally I would have offered a lot of help on a thread like this. But after the last post I put a thread on like this where I was quizzed and questioned and picked upon I wont bother now.