He spent our money on beer

grimelda

Judging from the limited amount of information given in the first post money isn't the only problem. As the OP said, they haven't been getting on, he's been going out and spending money on beer and lunches with friends instead of being with his pregnant wife and child and spending the money on basics for them. Really, as someone else has said he's not taking his responsibility as a parent seriously. It sounds to me like he has a serious problem with fatherhood. That doesn't necessarily mean she should cut her losses but it is something she should consider seriously.

In_Search_Of_Me

Hard to say as dont know ins/outs but think you really need to sit down with him & talk this through openly andhonestly. A relationship takes two people but it does sound like he is struggling with all the responsibility & just wants to be one of the lads. When I was married in my twenties a sim thing happened with my now x-husband...I look back now & cant believe that I put up with him regularly spending our mort money down the pub BUT we didnt have children and thats a whole nother ball game...dont make any hasty decisions & think whether you want to be a single parent...how much support does he give you/you give him in the relationship generally...are thinsg good otherwise...how does he feel (ie terrified, nagged at, trapped etc)...hope it goes well...big hug!

scottishspendaholic

black-saturn wrote:

Normally I would have offered a lot of help on a thread like this. But after the last post I put a thread on like this where I was quizzed and questioned and picked upon I wont bother now.

Sorry black-saturn - that's not very helpful - I don't know the post you are talking about but why does that matter here?

Why bother posting on this thread at all if you are not going to help the OP?

scottishspendaholic x

aimme13

hi, well as a lot of people have said we dont know the ins and outs of the whole relationship and there are 2 children to consider.......but i have been there done that and got the t-shirt!!!! and my sig will tell you where it got me!!

One thing i learnt was that if they want to spend it they will no matter what you do.....and trust me i tried everything........so dont do what i did and convince yourself that if you take their card away they cant touch it. I tried that and he used his passport to withdraw money at the counter. So i took that away, so he befriended the people at the bank and used the 'they know me' line. Untill they wouldnt do it no more, eventually i ended up in a lot of debt, but yes there were other issues (and i have 2 kids aswell)....

the point is i asked everyone for advice and i knew in my heart what i needed to do but it took 12 years for me to reach my breaking point and we all have different breaking points.

I still like to believe people can change but i know 2 years on my ex is still the same, csa have had no money and im still hearing the same stories......

i really hope your bf will change but the the only advice i can give you is
1 keep your money seperate
2 never lend money in your name to bail him out
3 talk
4 talk
5 talk some more

scottishspendaholic

However, Jo - I really feel for you. I don't know what I'd do - but I know that he needs to face up to his responsibilities as the last thing you need in your situation is loads of stress about money.

Wishing you all the best and a happy and healthy pregnancy. Please let us know what you decide to do.

P.S. I was very impressed to see your pregnancy diary noted in Martin's Money Tips this week - have you seen that?

scottishspendaholic x

LookingAhead

I can imagine you are feeling sooo angry and you have every right to be.
He needs to know how much he has upset you doing this and that it is going to be really hard for you to trust him again.

You guys need to talk - probably you'll end up arguing but you need to keep a level head and deal with the facts & the here and now (don't drag up past hurts or irrelevent issues)....let him know that you are seriously let down by him spending that cash on beer when you have children to feed and clothe. It's out of order.

He also needs to know that you will never bail him out again, that he has responsibilities to his children whether he likes it or not (and whether he is living there or not) so spending money on beer & socialising over his children is just not an option.

I wouldn't go so far as to say kick him out (this time!).

You need to lay it on the line though and find out if he's serious & realises his responsibilities. Maybe he just made a mistake this time....maybe he's hiding from reality.

Whatever it is, he needs to stop it. He's in the big wide world now and is a Father.

However if he fails like this again, well....only you know whether you want to continue on this kind of loop for years to come....personally I think you can only give people so many chances. After that all your talking and reasoning just becomes "white noise". You may as well talk to a brick wall.

beanielou

aimme13 wrote:

hi, well as a lot of people have said we dont know the ins and outs of the whole relationship and there are 2 children to consider.......but i have been there done that and got the t-shirt!!!! and my sig will tell you where it got me!!

One thing i learnt was that if they want to spend it they will no matter what you do.....and trust me i tried everything........so dont do what i did and convince yourself that if you take their card away they cant touch it. I tried that and he used his passport to withdraw money at the counter. So i took that away, so he befriended the people at the bank and used the 'they know me' line. Untill they wouldnt do it no more, eventually i ended up in a lot of debt, but yes there were other issues (and i have 2 kids aswell)....

the point is i asked everyone for advice and i knew in my heart what i needed to do but it took 12 years for me to reach my breaking point and we all have different breaking points.

I still like to believe people can change but i know 2 years on my ex is still the same, csa have had no money and im still hearing the same stories......

i really hope your bf will change but the the only advice i can give you is
1 keep your money seperate
2 never lend money in your name to bail him out
3 talk
4 talk
5 talk some more

Only you can deceide what to do but agree with keeping your money seperate and do NOT have everything in your name
I wish you everything that you wish for yourself

Emmzi

What are the qualities that attracted you to him in the first place?

Have they gone, or are they buried under baby concerns?

It sounds like he needs a weekly allowance!! and rest of cash to you.

Make sure any house and mortgage in your name only - and don't bail him out on credit cards. It's easier to cope with other stuff if you know YOU are financially ok.

MortgageMamma

Hello Jo

I learned the hard way about men. There are two types.

Type 1 - they look after you and the kids, are financially repsonsible, are reliable and work hard for a living, to build a nicer life together. You are their main priority.

Type 2 - They expect you to look after them, be the main breadwinner, a domestic godess and mary poppins whilst they sip their beers in front of the telly. They don't have priorities as they don't actually do any thinking (you do that for them too).

Yours sounds like a type two. Im married to a type two and frankly would rather not be (I'm working on this). My advice is escape while you can, one happy parent is better than two miserable ones, and eventually you will meet a type 1, and hopefully fall in love and have a happy future together. BTW, I was a single mum to be with one of my kids when I was deserted by another type two, you would be suprised how helpful and supportive people are in these situations.

Jo_R_2

Hi all and thankyou so much for yr replies, I was very touched when I logged in and saw all the messages!

What can I say? I feel I am partly to blame. Yes, we have been having our share of other problems, and I know I am at fault because I should have confronted him about what I suspected he was doing, yet I didn't - wanting to hope I was being cynical and untrusting and it was me who had the issue.

He isn't malicious though of course if I probed deeper there might be a certain degree of breaking away and wanting to do the things he knows he can't afford to do under current circumstances. He is simply terrible with finances and very blinkered sometimes. I feel he does take his responsibilities seriously as being a father; however spending money that I would have liked to go towards us as a family contradicts that somewhat. Still, I don't think he is a bad father at all if that makes sense?

He does work, and actually upped his hours so that we could claim help with childcare, and he does this alongside studying full-time on a very intensive course. So he does put in his share financially; unfortunately I think it is a lot the case that as he is rather young (23; I am 28), that he wants a part of the uni life, the carefreeness that he never had when he was young (family issues, moved out and lived alone at 17) and that his fellow students have, and also the money to spend on beer that he could before we had our daughter.

In many ways I *hate* controlling most of the money as I do feel like his mother but it's the only way we can get through every month and he agrees this is best. It is a case of him having to come for me for money so I know this can't be easy but he knows why; maybe a few reminders might be useful.

I think another big talk is in order; not sure what will happen but I don't want to leave him as I think there is enough there for us to move on and he is well aware that if this happens again, he is out.