help with mum

margaretclare

Hi flossy_splodge

You mention your daughters in a very negative way, but one of them is jojo, who posted here and who seems to understand the Dad/Grandad problem completely?

I have seen so much of older people who were 'difficult' for whatever reason, sometimes it was dementia, sometimes they'd always been difficult, sometimes it was the two things combined!! I can also think of a few older people who were a joy to be with. My late godmother was typical of this latter group. My aunt, who more or less brought me up - she was at home, sitting on the floor from where she did everything (she was a polio survivor) while my mum went out doing menial work in other women's houses. She had a stroke in the last years of her life, lost the use of her left arm, but on the day she died she was knitting vests for Ethiopian kids. She'd always knitted, but when she had the use of only one limb out of 4, her right arm, she'd jam one knitting-needle under her left arm and knit with the other one. That says it all about her. People like that are an inspiration - my mum, my aunt, my godmother - are some of the people who have been an inspiration to me and who have given me the strong values I still have.

Well, we had a lovely few days away. Tried to see some people DH knows on our way up on Thursday - not successful. We tried to have a conversation with the mum of 5 kids across 'Home and Away' and the like. There was this fat lump of a teenage girl lying on the sofa and she only stirred her finger to change TV channels. Mum and dad have recently split, we were trying to talk, not successful.

Presentation Day on Friday was wonderful, the hard work, the achievements, the success, Pathways (Down's syndrome) students right through to City & Guilds and degree level, all with a commitment to the environment and 'making a difference'. Very emotional for me thinking of my late daughter and doing it all in her memory. I got to meet the young woman who was awarded the prize that I donate every year - she works for DEFRA and from being a receptionist is now appointed to a job on countryside access, rights of way, footpaths, and it was a joy to meet her and her Dad who is so proud of her.

We stayed with DH's son and family - gorgeous 2 granddaughters, very bright, very talented, very well-brought-up, DH is incredibly proud and he has every right to be so. They don't see their 'real' granny, DH's first ex, although she lives a lot closer than we do, but they more or less treat me as a substitute granny, and I got lots of hugs and cuddles.

Then our family dinner-party Saturday night in Leeds, that was wonderful. Both granddaughters, my daughter and son-in-law, cost a lot but was worth every penny. We had 3 courses of Greek food, live Greek music and dancing, Cypriot wine, and we all had a great time. It was lovely to see them all again and we had a lot of fun. I haven't seen my eldest granddaughter for 6 years when we went to my daughter's 20th anniversary rededication of vows, and I haven't seen the younger one since she came to her aunt's funeral 2 1/2 yrs ago. I am determined *not* to become one of those old people who is only remembered for being a 'problem'. No way!!

Margaret Clare

jenniferpa

I just had to read this thread again to remind me that people have it worse than me. Just had a phone call from my Mother asking when I was coming to see her again, what about today? I live in America, which makes popping over a tad difficult. I reminded her that I was ther 3 weeks ago, but she's already forgotton my visit. She doesn't have dementia per se, just (just?) stroke induced memory loss. She tells me she's very lonely - unfortunately, she's lonely the moment someone has left, because she forgets she's seen them. As it stands, she has a carer coming twice a day, her meals delivered and a cleaner who comes in every day - she sees people but she can't remember that she has. She has lived on her own for many years and it was never a problem until the strokes - she now can't/won't read, can't/won't watch TV, and every thing I suggest (listen to the radio, listen to a book on tape) gets the "I can't be bothered" response. I know why she can't be bothered - she can no longer follow instructions so any slight problem becomes an insurmountable problem. I really think she may be clinically depressed, but it's hopeless getting her GP to do anything about it - she's happy and laughing when he's there! In fact she denies out right that there's anything wrong - and there isn't at that moment.

Sorry, minor moan.

Jennifer

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Jennifer, as I was reading through your post I was wondering if your mum was depressed. You can request a psychiatric assessment for your mum, which will get to the bottom of things and perhaps set evberyone's mind at rest, although I do appreciate you don't just live round the corner.
If the GP is a bit hesitant, lay it on thick and insist - appearing happy and laughing when she sees him doesn't preclude depression, and frankly most GPs are pretty bad at spotting it in older people. Best wishes.

jenniferpa

Yes, well I like her GP, but he can't seem to grasp that the ability to do mental arithmatic doesn't necessarily mean you don't have memory problems. Likewise, you can be depressed but put on a good show - been there, done that. To be fair, though, if she swears up and down there's no problem, there's not a lot he can do.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

The ability to do mental arithmetic would be pretty straightforward as she will be using 'old' memory, clearly if he asked her what she'd had for lunch she might well be all at sea - try to answer by figuring out what people normally have for lunnch but have no memory of her lunch because her short term memory is shot.
It's not always easy for people to figure out if they're depressed or not, especially if it's come on gradually and judgment can be flawed in people who have a degree of dementia. If your mum has an older peoples social worker they would be able to give support to a request for a psychiatric assessment. Medics like evidence. Do your mum's carer and cleaner feel she's a bit down in the dumps? Distance must make things doubly difficult for you. Best wishes.

flossy_splodge

Having a better day today - thanks to all who posted words of encouragement. Dora, my dads dementia is marginal and waiting to be confirmed. The problem is that he has played his little games of control and mmanipulation for as many years as I can remember and that's what is hard as I do not believe he is being irrational, he has BIG issues with the female of the species (comes from his childhood and is understandable as to its origins but we are all blessed with the ability to think and CONSIDER whether WE are contributing to our situation. He simply WILL NOT look at himself, its far easier to point fingers, blame the world for his woes and be a victim. He has a cleaner who I think is taking advantage of the situation but whilst I think he could see that, he chooses not to as he has a captive audience whilst she is there. His next door neighbour an older lady who is an ex social worker and VERY down to earth, has suggested to me that I need to 'watch' this cleaner, won't go into details but I agree with her. The neighbour, who I like very much suggests I leave Dad to stew in his own juice until he wakes up to himself but I do care, in spite of his behaviour and worry about him. I can guess that I will at some point soon make a big effort and make contact but to be honest I am worried because if he rebuffs me it really would be the end. This way I can kid myself all is just a bit rocky at present. Wish I hadn't been born with a conscience (my mothers doing!). hey margaret clare - yes jojo does understand but does not seem to have any compassion. I realise she is more detached being a generation removed but it doesn't always help to have those closest to you telling you to 'ignore the B****d'. I was brought up differently I guess. And thus my conversation has gone full circle. jenniferpa - you really do have my sympathies. It's hard enough when I live relatively close by, it must be excruciating to be a long way away. You have my admiration for how you're coping. x:eek:

elona

Flossy

Jojo loves you and it hurts her to see you upset.

She obviously does have compassion but not for someone who in her view does not deserve or appreciate it.

You are lucky she does not go up there and flatten him!

Dora_the_Explorer_5

He has a cleaner who I think is taking advantage of the situation but whilst I think he could see that, he chooses not to as he has a captive audience whilst she is there. His next door neighbour an older lady who is an ex social worker and VERY down to earth, has suggested to me that I need to 'watch' this cleaner, won't go into details but I agree with her

Abuse usually escalates if nothing is done to stop it. Website for info and guidance on the abuse of older people http://www.elderabuse.org.uk/ HTH

jenniferpa

Flossy - thank you, but my situation is made considerably easier by the fact that my Mother thinks I'm wonderful, and has no hestitation in telling everyone! In many ways, the fact that I'm not physically there most of the time, means that while the phone calls make my stomach roil sometimes, I can't physically do anything so I can't stay in that state of tension all the time. With regard to your daughter - she can see how upset this whole thing makes you, so obviously she's going to push for you to step back. Having compassion and being a door mat are two entirely different things, and I don't think that's necessarily a generational thing. There are times when you really need to think about what the word "selfish" really means i.e. considering your self, as opposed to "selfless" i.e lacking in self. Easy to say, I know, less easy to do. I hope I don't sound too harsh - I just suspect that jo jo wants to be able to spend time with you without your father's "presence" casting a pall over everything. To be brutally honest (from a person that woke up this morning and thought hey - in another 38 years I could be my mother) we only have so much time here, and while I'm not in favour of a "to hell with everybody else, I'm out for number one" attitude, you shouldn't consider yourself number two all the time.

Jennifer

Savvy_Sue

Dora_the_Explorer wrote:

Do your mum's carer and cleaner feel she's a bit down in the dumps?

And perhaps just as much to the point, do they feel she finds any little problem insurmountable?

I too know about the 'not depressed if someone's there' syndrome - it can be perfectly unconscious, because I WAS fine if anyone else was there, usually, so impossible for my health visitor to pick up on my PN depression, even with her little questionnaire, because I wasn't supposed to think too long about my answers, and right then I felt fine, had always been fine, etc.