help with mum

margaretclare

Hi flossy_splodge

I am so, so sorry. Of course vascular dementia (and any other kind of dementia or degenerative disease) is different from just 'ageing'. Sorry Dad is so negative about everything. IMHO - and not just in my opinion, in my experience as well - modern methods of banking are a comfort and a reassurance if the person can bring themself to set it up. I was in hospital for 10 nights last December and have been fairly immobile for a long time (not now thank goodness, all better, back to driving and walking in the woods!) But it was an enormous comfort to me while I was in hospital to think that all my finances were in order, everything was happening automatically and all I had to do was to concentrate on getting better! While all around me in the ward other people were stressing about not being able to get out to collect their pensions, they always went to the post office on the same day each week, they wouldn't be able to do Christmas shopping etc etc...whereas I hadn't a care in the world. When I came home, still on crutches, I was able to sit at the computer and see everything happening, whereas people were struggling out in the freezing cold. DH went one Monday morning early to get a nice fresh loaf for our breakfast, and opposite the little bakery he noticed a line of about 30 people all waiting in the freezing cold for the post office to open. Why, for goodness' sake, when there are easier and simpler methods? Even before online banking started it was possible to do telephone banking - I did this when I worked in Saudi in the late 1980s. But it really is a comfort, especially if the time ever arrives when we're no longer able to do it ourselves - in hospital or not, on holiday or not, even when we were in Canada! we don't have a worry about bills not getting paid. A huge weight off our minds.

I like what Dora says to kazzy:

One way of dealing with it might be to latch on to her first moan and suggest solutions to put right what she's having a moan about and stick with it until she reaches a decision on what she's going to do to , then when she brings it up again point out it was discussed and decisions made to fix it. Do this every time, until she gets the message - bit like dog training really.

One of the things that annoys me so much about some older people is that no matter what you suggest as a positive solution, they just go round and round in circles. That's the case with the woman I wrote about, who came to us for Christmas lunch and stayed all day. She drops in sometimes assuming we're going to be here and willing to sit and listen to her (actually the last couple of times we've just being going out, so she didn't get the audience she was expecting!) For example, she was talking about emigrating to New Zealand but didn't know how. I said that I knew Australia had a thing called a 'retirement visa' - had she enquired whether NZ had? 'Oh no, I don't think they'd want me...' 'Well, at least ask, phone the Embassy!' 'Oh no...'

She's the same with whatever you say to her. She even said she thought I'd dyed my hair 'again'. I explained that I've never dyed my hair in my life. 'Well, it can't be natural blonde at your age, surely?' 'Yes it is.' This type of hair doesn't go grey, it's very fine to start with and what it does is get very thin, which is why I wear silly little bandannas.

Best wishes

Margaret Clare

oap

Good evening Kazzy, would your mum like a pet? a little dog or a cat?

My mother lived until 92 and at 89 her beloved dog died, so we got her another one, a little rescue dog, which was a bit older, she had something to think about, something to care for, which takes ones mind of ones self, just a thought. Also a reason to walk every day, and something to give you a happy welcome when you come into an empty house. Animals are very theraputic, and maybe you could mind it when she is away, or a good kennels if available. Yes for those of you who do not like animals, they are a tie, but they give back much more than they take. They keep your blood pressure down, are good for the heart, and recommended by health professionals. Regards oap ps of course we have a beautiful yellow labrador, who I walk every day, rain, hail or shine, very good for her and very very good for me!!

flossy_splodge

Hey all and especially Margaretclare and kazzy. The idea about being logical and dealing with negativity one step at a time is great. In my case my father just denies any conversation took place on the subject so you truly are back to square one. Now you might say, "well, he can't help it" but for me the problem is he has always played his little games and it is hard to know when he is genuine and when he is just trying to avoid taking responsibility for his words and deeds! It feels like he is taking me for a gullible fool and that I DO object to. Anyway, it's good to share so thanks to all who have contributed and to kazzy for opening up a thorny topic. Good luck to us all say I. Off to the Mind Body and Spirit festival in London tomorrow in the hope of some inspiration!:A

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Kazzy, it can be frustrating but if your dad has been diagnosed with dementia then his brain can't work like it used to because it's damaged. He may well be struggling to remember and also trying to make sense of what's happened/happening and having big blanks in his memory.
Often people with dementia will give the answer they think people expect
eg did you eat your lunch? They may not be able to remember but know that they do eat lunch so will say they did even when they didn't, and if pressed will say what they ate, based on what they always/usually have for lunch.
Your local Alzheimers society or carers support project or Age Concern will have leaflets which will help you to understand how your dad is living his life in the best way he can, and also information on what signs will tell you that the demetia is worsening.
Hope this helps and enjoy your trip.

margaretclare

It's difficult though, isn't it, if flossy_splodge's Dad has *always* played these little games, long before any dementia set in? Obviously dementia does make the brain work differently. The person is incapable of taking in any new information. However, I've seen this before, the people I've known who developed these kind of conditions were no different from how they'd always been - they were just *more so*, if you see what I mean.

They can come out with the weirdest statements which are wildly untrue, but often there is just one grain of truth at the bottom.

We have a disabled car pass for the Southend Air Show on Bank Holiday Monday so we're hoping for good weather. We were down there this afternoon watching the Tornado practising, right along the sea-front, then the Harrier. So have a good weekend, everybody!

Margaret Clare

jojo2004

[You will get all the moaning because she knows you will not abandon her.

[/QUOTE]

I so agree with what Mandy said - I'm flossy_splodge's daughter, and I see the effect it has on her of having to deal with Grandad all the time. The problem is that he does know that she will never abandon him, so he knows he can get away with it. She has to keep being there for him, because she's his daughter, and instead of appreciating what she does, he takes it all as standard and keeps expecting more. He will not listen to any female on anay subject, (we couldn't possibly know a thing, even though between us my mother and I have four degrees and I'm working on my PhD) especially finance. How can you convince someone that if their finances are not working properly - bills unpaid, direct debits not working, money disappearing from savings accounts because he doesn't remember what he's done with it - that they have to accept help???? I ask Mum to deal with or advise me on all financial matters (sometimes I rent her out to friends too) and yet Grandad still won't believe that he needs help - her help. Bl**dy men!

margaretclare

Much sympathy, jojo, and I would add - sexist bl***y men!!!

Margaret Clare

Dora_the_Explorer_5

[quote=jojo2004[/quote]

I so agree with what Mandy said - I'm flossy_splodge's daughter, and I see the effect it has on her of having to deal with Grandad all the time. The problem is that he does know that she will never abandon him, so he knows he can get away with it. She has to keep being there for him, because she's his daughter, and instead of appreciating what she does, he takes it all as standard and keeps expecting more. He will not listen to any female on anay subject, (we couldn't possibly know a thing, even though between us my mother and I have four degrees and I'm working on my PhD) especially finance. How can you convince someone that if their finances are not working properly - bills unpaid, direct debits not working, money disappearing from savings accounts because he doesn't remember what he's done with it - that they have to accept help???? I ask Mum to deal with or advise me on all financial matters (sometimes I rent her out to friends too) and yet Grandad still won't believe that he needs help - her help. Bl**dy men![/quote]

jojo, Thank you so much for your post. If grandad hasn't had his capacity assessed you and flossy might want to consider requesting one. You can do this through his gp by making the gp understand that grandad is at risk and you are gravely concerned for his safety, and it will be carried out by a psychiatrist specialising in older people.
If grandad is assessed as not having capacity then steps can be taken to ensure his future safety; vascular dementia develops through continuing small strokes which demonstrate through poor short term memory, and steps in behaviour change rather than a gradual slope- some of the steps can be quite sharp and very noticeable. The psychiatrist will be able to judge how bad the dementia is and how it it should be monitored.
Dementia can cause changes in personality, so although people can retain some of what they always were, others can become very aggressive and sometimes violent when they never were before and still others become pleasant and amenable when before they were a bit of a handful. Grandad may have quite a degree of awareness of his forgetfulness etc and be very frightened but not able to discuss his fear with anyone which may be why he's quite strongly clinging to flossy, and perhaps being a bit stroppy because he's trying to defend his actions when he can't make sense of them.
People with dementia do not choose to behave the way they do, they are brain damaged and their cognition is effected; they have a daily struggle trying to make sense of the world. Dementia is described as 'life's insult' - how true.
I hope this helps you both. Many of my older female relatives developed dementia and I do understand how difficult it is for families to understand that the person is changed, and changing, irrevocably and how frustrating it is; this is the area of health I now work in.
Hope this helps, all the best.

djohn2002uk

margaretclare wrote:

Much sympathy, jojo, and I would add - sexist bl***y men!!!

Margaret Clare

Ooooooh Margaret. You're not referring to all of us are you?

margaretclare

djohn2002uk wrote:

Ooooooh Margaret. You're not referring to all of us are you?

No, thank God, or I'd have to include the one I live with!! No, I meant men like jojo's Grandad, of whom she says:

She has to keep being there for him, because she's his daughter, and instead of appreciating what she does, he takes it all as standard and keeps expecting more. He will not listen to any female on any subject, (we couldn't possibly know a thing, even though between us my mother and I have four degrees and I'm working on my PhD) especially finance.

There are a few of these dinosaurs around, incredible as it seems. Thank the Lord there are none of them anywhere near me, or there'd likely be murder done.

Margaret Clare