help with mum

twink

bogof babe i can identify with what you say about sowing the seeds of a relationship when your young
my mother died when i was two and then it wasnt possible for my father to stay at home to care for me it just wasnt done, so i was brought up by my maternal grandparents my mother had been ill since i was one so to me my grandparents were like a mum and dad
my father visited once a week and i had sun afternoon with him but he was more like an uncle now this must have been a terrible time for him
we stayed in the country and when i was ten my father remarried and i was taken from all i knew to a big city with a stepsister and brother and of course the stepmother
my father did nothing to ease me into this way of life so i was left to get on with it therefore i found it difficult to have much feelings for him even when i passed my nursing exams i can remember no words from him tho i got a fob watch from grandparents
i felt guilty as he got older but i just couldnt have much feelings for him all because of his lack of support when i was younger

Kinnairdy

Am youngest of 5, mother 47 when I was born, 14 yrs between me and next sister who was always more like my 'mother' than my mother was, the next sister was a nag and always 'picked' on me, then came the BIG Brother (and I use the term very loosely) who treated me like something he would not spit on if it was on fire for as long as I can remember, anything that went wrong, broke or went 'missing' he always blamed on me and I would get a clout or two from him, grew up wondering why he hated me so much, at age 22 finally asked the older sister if she knew what his problem was, she said 'he felt that if I had never been born our Mother would have had a better life' never have figured that one out yet, Mother had 5 kid's to 4 different (absent)fathers and he thought I was the problem!!!. Anyway gave up worrying about him after that, decided it was his loss and that he would no longer be a part of my life. Hardly ever saw oldest brother, his wife & our mother fell out over how she raised her kid's.
As the years passed Mother, who had upper class delusions and thought she knew everything, very domineering personality, would tell (order to you & I) me what I had to do etc, now maybe it is in my genes (from different father)but I developed into a self assured and confident person, unlike the others who pandered to Mother 'incase they upset her', Not ME, if I thought she was wrong I said so and made it very plain that I would not be manipulated by her or anyone, initially she would 'sulk' and boy was she the Queen of the sulk, 3 months was the record because I had the cheek to 'defend' my stepfather in an arguement, yes she finally married but he was'nt the biological father of any of us, he was a kind, quiet adorable man who she treated with contempt and he loved her regardless.
Eventually it became clear to me that although she loved us all she thought the others were 'weak' because they would not 'stand up to her'. She always turned to me for advice and help with financial matters etc and would act upon what I said, she often said I was very much like her, we got on very well but I never felt close to her in a mother/daughter way.
She became more domineering as she grew older and the others would 'jump' when the Royal summons was issued, I would visit/phone when I decided not when told, I have a very stubborn streak as you will have guessed by now!.
My dad (stepfather) retired and developed Manic Depression, poor old devil, she was mortified when it was diagnosed and he was sectioned, apparently he did this just to embarass her, she washed her hands of him and told the hospital she did not want him back home, more than once, I researched this illness and explained it in full to her but she was convinced he was doing it deliberately to show her up, I took over as dad's representative with Dr's & Hospitals and ignored her tantrums, the next I know she phones me and say's she is taking him to her Solicitor to have him sign over his half of their house to the 'evil ex-brother', I went ballistic to put it mildly, I phoned the Solicitor and told him Dad was in no fit state to know what he was signing and if they went ahead I would have him struck off, needless to say when they turned up in his office he refused to go ahead and told her why, she phoned me later that day and this 'pathetic voice' asked why I was being so nasty... so I told her exactly why I had no intention of letting Dad be manipulated and probably thrown out of his own home, (if it was'nt for him she would never have owned a house in the first place, she never brought home a wage). She was not happy, another sulk, but did I care?.
I went to see Dad's GP and asked him if he thought Dad was capable of making important decisions, a resounding No and he gave me a letter confirming his diagnosis, I took it to his Solicitor and asked about my having Power of Attorney for my Dad, this was set up within minutes.
Another phone call from Mother (after sulk of 2 months), she was going into hospital to have cataract done, in and out in 3 day's so don't bother to visit, 40 mile round trip, so I did'nt, phoned her in hospital on day 2, she's fine apparently should be home in a few day's, we were very busy renovating a house so it was about another week before I visited, yes everything went well and she was OK, nothing to worry about, still renovating so was about 3 week's before I visited again, she looked terrible, old and frail and in pain, just a touch of arthritis she said, next visit she is in bed and in a lot of pain, next sister to me lived at home and was caring for her but had'nt called Dr, I did, he came and she was admitted to hospital immediately, turns out she had bone cancer, the hospital stay was not for a cataract but a mastectomy but the others were forbidden to tell me so I would not 'worry', spoke to the Dr, he said it was spreading rapidly and it was only a matter of week's, I visited her daily, she talked about how the others had been a disappointment to her and I was her favourite (yeah right), I had never let her down and my marriage was the only one that had remained respectable and so on, she made me promise to 'look after' Kathy, (next youngest sister to me), she was very insistent that I look after her, I had to promise to make sure the 'others' did not push her into doing anything she did'nt want to.
The 'others' were ignoring me at this point, my Dad was totally bewildered, he had been told Mother had a bad chest infection and not to visit her, Mothers instruction apparently, so he was being kept in the dark until I found out and explained it to him.
After a week she lapsed into unconciousness and was on high doses of Morphine, 2 week's later she died. I got a phone call asking me to come in asap by the time I got there she was dead, funny just before the phone call her favourite tune kept going round & round my head, I hated it so perhaps I missed the significance of the message from her.
Anyway, I made all the arrangements, no one else wanted to nor knew how to, I had already done same for both in-laws, the funeral passed uneventually, the ex-brother scowled at me and I ignored him as per usual.
A couple of day's later I went to visit Dad and discovered Kathy and the 'others' had cleared out all Mothers papers and posessions, not that she had much of any value but she fancied herself as a poet and had started to write her life story which I wanted to read in the hope it would answer a few questions I had, all gone along with her photographs, when I asked for this no one knew where it had gone despite my seeing the folder of papers on the day of the funeral, Dad had been excluded from all this too and had not even been offered a photo, I asked Kathy for a momento, she got out a box with some brooches & necklaces in it and said I could choose one, BUT not that one or that one, Mother got them from her brother, anyway I chose a crappy brooch cos it was all there was and gave it to Dad, I told Kathy I was not happy at the way they had done things and excluded Dad, she got huffy and insisted we have a family meeting to sort this out, I thought why not it may clear the air, wrong... the evil ex-brother (anti Christ I call him) arrived ready for battle, I explained how Dad felt excluded and that I thought it was unfair of them to treat him so badly when he had been so good to him, the anti-Christ (a retired Copper by the way), said that because I had not visited Mother when she was in Hospital having a mastectomy it was obvious I did not care and therefore had no rights, I pointed out that had I been told I would have been there like a shot but they had been ordered by Mother not to worry me,to which he said 'you could have phoned the Hospital and asked', asked what I wanted to know, am I psychic, when Mother said it was a cataract op I believed her, made no difference to him, I was in the wrong and that was it, then he came up with the ultimate in hatred, he said if I continued to make a fuss he would see to it that my daughters car would be stopped by some of his police friends and searched for drug's, and I had better believe they would find drug's, it was up to me, I knew he was capable of being a 1st class B*****d but I never knew how much he hated me until then, my daughter has never taken drugs nor does she drink she values her licence and that statement floored me, what made it worse was that the 2 sisters just sat there listening and said nothing, I decided then that I would make sure my Dad was looked after but the others including Kathy could drop dead they were no longer part of my family.
I visited dad regularly, eventually he had to go into a nursing home, 2 miles from me, he died 3 years ago.
2 years ago my phone rang at 2am, I hate that it makes one panic, it was Kathy, her partner had just died and she wanted to talk to her family, me, not any of the others just me, I drove in to see her and spent the night trying to get her settled, she eventually fell asleep about 6 am, she would'nt phone any one so I had the pleasure of informing the other non-speaking sister and the 'anti christ', Kathy insisted I attend the funeral because she wanted me with her, since then we have kept in touch and I visit her quite often, the other sister thawed slightly, our daughter got married so I invited the sisters to the wedding in the spirit of family unity, not the anti-Christ though he was not welcome, our daughter had a baby and the sisters have become the most devoted Great Aunts on the planet, they want to see her as often as possible, will baby sit at the drop of a hat and buy her gifts all the time, think they are trying to appease their consciences but what the Hell, if it keeps them happy plus it's good for Grandaughter to have lot's of relatives around who care about her.
Sorry this has been so long winded, this is the shortened version really, but I hoped it would emphasise that parents are not always the wonderful people we believe they should be, they can be manipulative and devious when it suits their purpose and are not above trying the 'Emotional Blackmail' or playing one off against the other.
I can't say I miss my Mother but I do miss my Dad and he was'nt even my flesh & blood but he was my Dad regardless.
You can choose your friends but not your family, perhaps but one can certainly choose which family members they want to include or exclude. I don't waste time 'hating' the anti Christ, I barely give him a moments thought normally, it's his loss that he never took the time to find out what a great little sister he had.
Good luck to everyone in finding a solution that works for them.

jenniferpa

Kinnairdy - I just wanted to say: I don't normally read all the way through long posts, but I did read yours, and you really handled the whole thing well.

P.S.
When I feel like I have to deal with everything, because I'm an only child, I only have to read posts like this to count my blessings.

Kinnairdy

Thank's jenniferpa, again my apologies for the length of post but I hoped that it would maybe help to illustrate that not every parent is 'wonderful' as society would have us believe, my mother being a prime example of devious manipulation.
My apologies to kazzy/flossie_splodge and other posters with 'difficult' parents, I did not post in an attempt to hijack your threads, having been on the receiving end I sympathise with you all, it is not easy to please everyone but I learned very quickly that one has a responsibility to themselves first and to others second, it is not selfish to put your self first, if you are not 100% you will not be physically/mentally able to concentrate on the problems of others. if you feel you are being manipulated you need to back off and take stock, decide what you really want to do and do it!.
If the parent sulks be honest and tell them you feel hurt & angry etc and that you are reclaiming some time for yourself, do not feel guilty, when you left home your parents were no longer responsible for you and neither are you responsible for them, yes we may want to look after them in return for the years they looked after us but that does not mean your life must revolve around your parent/s at the expense of your peace of mind. Go and do something you enjoy on a regular basis, mine is fishing and woe betide anyone or anything that comes between me and a day on the river ;-). I hope everything works out as you would wish, all the best.

gardengirl_3

Kazzy I really sympathise. As the eldest of 5 siblings, I found myself taking a lot of the responsibility for my mum, who has been housebound with a stroke for 16 years. It got worse when dad died 14 years ago. My siblings and I have devised a rota for taking mum out on a Sunday (this gives us all a break for our families) and this has worked successfully for many years. If something special crops up we do a friendly swap with the dates. This way no-one need feel put upon. Of course, we all make other visits, but as and when we can. I've now moved away to retire myself (3 hrs drive) but I still do my rota, and stay over when I can. If your mum is fit, can she be encouraged to take up a hobby or join a club? It sounds as though she is missing out on the social scene as she enjoys the cruises, and there are clubs and activities for all tastes. Not all are like the Darby and Joan - what about U3A or art classes, or the church if she is that way inclined? Get her to read (my mum has read and done tapestries for years, but is now losing her sight). Participation will make her much more interesting company and you'll want to visit her more when she has something interesting to talk about. Good luck. Gardengirl.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

I guess what people have written reminds us that we are all human beings and none of us are perfect. Each of us can see our own point of view perfectly but only a glimpse of other's. Each unhappy family is unhappy in it's own unique way and all relatives from birth to death manipulate each other in different ways at different times.

GUMPO

I have two elderly relatives who I look in on (one is an aunt one my grandmother) they have such different outlooks it is unbeliveable. Both are widows but my aunt is happy while my gran is very bitter. The bottom line seems to be taking pleasure and happiness were you can find it. If you can make the next ten minutes of your life happy and then do it again you will live in a world of delight forever. Many people especially when they get older live there lives in the past or the future making the now miserable. I can be made to smile by a cup of tea and a buscuit. Happiness is easy, misery takes effort.

flossy_splodge

I guess it's a somewhat ironic situation that when you read all the above thread, its clear to see how difficult parenting is and worse, whatever we ourselves suffer do we do any better? I have tried to do so much better than my parents but the outcome seems the same. My daughters seem not to want to be bothered with me, are self serving and quite simply do not think about the effect their behaviour has and I KNOW they imagine they 'know better'. The point is, I can remember thinking the same at that . So I guess my point is, should we bother so much to focus on others or maybe the youth of today have got it right with their self serving attitudes and arrogance? Seems we'll come in for the same end treatment anyway so was all the effort to try to do better than our parents, just a waste of time and did our parents in their turn realise this and was THAT the reason for their behaviour? Makes me think I do have to say! Still not reconnected with my father. Seems he has told everyone I have poisoned others against him and I don't care about him. He now spends all his time with my money grabbing souless younger brother who I hear tell he believes is the only one that cares. Was it all worth it? I am seriously thinking about moving and not letting anyone in the family know about it then I can start again. Luckily I have some super friends who just about keep me going. Good luck to one and all.x

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Seems he has told everyone I have poisoned others against him and I don't care about him.

Flossy, it must be very hard for you, but your dad has dementia and one of the ways it can demonstrate is through paranoia. His brain is damaged and not working properly, like someone with a high fever is being unable to recognise people dear to them. None of us can know if our personalities might change for the worse thrugh illness as we become old. Which is a blessing.

Did Philip Larkin hit the nail on the head? No, not for a great many loving and loved families - and a lot of them do exist.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They !!!! you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
But they were !!!!ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself

Kinnairdy

Flossy,
Please do not feel any of this is your fault, I am sure you have made a lot of personal sacrifices for your family & parents over the years, as Dora say's your Father has dementia, an illness that can change personalities dramatically, I witnessed dementia in it's worst and best forms when I visited my dad in the nursing home, some residents were fine chatting away to everyone then within a short space of time they would become agitated and on occasions agressive for no obvious reason. The world dementia sufferers live in is not the same one as you & I occupy, the worst thing you can do is try to rationalise or argue with sufferers, it only confuses and upsets them, creating a stressful situation which makes matters worse, the best solution is to just let it flow over your head and forget it, it is only words, which incidentially will be forgotten by the sufferer within a few minutes of uttering them. Anyone who matters to you will be intelligent enough to realise your father is ill and whatever he says should not be taken as truth.
Sorry your daughters are so wrapped up in their own so important lives that you are overlooked, give em a sharp kick up the rear!. Are they fond of their Grandfather or has his 'difficult' attitude put them off wanting to hear about him any more hence the distance?.
Has anyone got Power of Attorney for your Father's affairs?, if he has been diagnosed with Dementia you should perhaps ask for some legal advice about getting this if you think he may be 'influenced' by others to his detriment.
Your 'money grabbing souless' brother will soon get fed up of being 'No 1 son' at Fathers beck & call with no help from you.
Has father made a will, if so when?, one made after Dementia diagnosed may be questionable if there was any suggestion of undue influence by any one person.
Moving would only make you feel worse, alone and lonely in a new place with too much time to dwell on matters, You can choose your friends...stick with them and discard the rest, it's your life so decide to start enjoying it now.
May the road to your door never grow green for want of use. All the best.