need some advice :(

dizzybuff

klee1505 wrote: »

how would you do that :eek:

Dont follow .. sorry am i being thivk

ChefBungle

Hi,

Just reading your post and all the replies, and thought I'd offer up my tuppence worth.

I used to be on the other side of the fence - I cheated on my ex-wife for several years before we finally agreed mutually to end the relationship. I'm now in a loving relationship with someone who I totally adore and respect and wouldn't dream of doing that to. So you could say I'm a reformed cheater/slimeball/dog (delete as appropriate).

The reasons as to why men cheat are very varied - anything from feeling neglected/down-trodden to being taken for granted to boredom with the day-to-day routine of life, paying bills, etc. I'm not for one second saying that it's ever right or justifiable, what I am saying is that there will be a specific reason as to why he has behaved in this fashion.

Unless you have evidence (or he admits to) having actually done anything physical with this other person, then it could just be that you can stop it before it goes any further and get your relationship back on track. Remember men and women view flirting/sex differently - to men it can often just be a physical thing, whereas women place a much higher regard on the emotional side of it. Your fella might have found these text messages exciting - they probably got his heart racing a little bit and he enjoyed the adrenaline rush of thinking about the *potential* of doing something with this other person, but that's not neccessarily to say he would or wouldn't have followed through if the opportunity presented itself.

If you can talk it through and get to the heart of the matter, then you need to decide yourself about how you want to move it forward. Keep gently questioning him until you get to the root cause - this is absolutely key to working it out successfully. I know it will be hard, but try to keep the emotion out of it otherwise the conversation will deteriorate into an argument, and you'll be no further forward.

His reaction to the whole situation is absolutely classic and one that I recognise - all he is trying to do is deflect attention away from the issue at hand by making you feel guilty for invading his privacy. Think back to when you were a kid and your Dad caught you doing something you weren't supposed to be doing - your automatic reaction was to bring your friend/brother/sister into it as well so that some of the blame was deflected away from you. That's all he's doing. I can assure you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. I now leave my phone lying around and my girlfriend is more than able to check it - previously I kept it on me at all times and security locked, etc.

What I would say from personal experience is that as soon as someone starts down this road, this is a fundamental lack of respect for the other person in the relationship. From the point in my relationship with my ex-wife that I started cheating, I knew I had little or no respect for her after the things that had happened in our relationship prior, it just took us a few years of going round in circles to realise this. As I said, I wouldn't dream of doing it now. What would have helped back then was an open and honest chat (and regularly thereafter) about how we were both feeling, but we kept sweeping it under the carpet thinking it would improve by itself.

I truly wish you success in this and hope you find happiness at the end of it all. Please don't let yourself be a doormat though. If you're willing to accept his behaviour now without any kind of apology or discussion from him, then he will keep doing it because he knows he can get away with it.

cloverfan

i think klee thinks u literally eant u would go round and kick him out x

klee1505

dizzybuff wrote: »

Dont follow .. sorry am i being thivk

Sounds like he is very controlling and demoralises you ... I think you should do it get some strength .. If you want I'll do it for you,

that bit did i read it wrong? think im a bit confused lol

klee1505

cloverfan wrote: »

i think klee thinks u literally eant u would go round and kick him out x

the way i read it was that she will help me get stronger or something i dont know i completly read it wrong i think :rotfl:

klee1505

ChefBungle wrote: »

Hi,

Just reading your post and all the replies, and thought I'd offer up my tuppence worth.

I used to be on the other side of the fence - I cheated on my ex-wife for several years before we finally agreed mutually to end the relationship. I'm now in a loving relationship with someone who I totally adore and respect and wouldn't dream of doing that to. So you could say I'm a reformed cheater/slimeball/dog (delete as appropriate).

The reasons as to why men cheat are very varied - anything from feeling neglected/down-trodden to being taken for granted to boredom with the day-to-day routine of life, paying bills, etc. I'm not for one second saying that it's ever right or justifiable, what I am saying is that there will be a specific reason as to why he has behaved in this fashion.

Unless you have evidence (or he admits to) having actually done anything physical with this other person, then it could just be that you can stop it before it goes any further and get your relationship back on track. Remember men and women view flirting/sex differently - to men it can often just be a physical thing, whereas women place a much higher regard on the emotional side of it. Your fella might have found these text messages exciting - they probably got his heart racing a little bit and he enjoyed the adrenaline rush of thinking about the *potential* of doing something with this other person, but that's not neccessarily to say he would or wouldn't have followed through if the opportunity presented itself.

If you can talk it through and get to the heart of the matter, then you need to decide yourself about how you want to move it forward. Keep gently questioning him until you get to the root cause - this is absolutely key to working it out successfully. I know it will be hard, but try to keep the emotion out of it otherwise the conversation will deteriorate into an argument, and you'll be no further forward.

His reaction to the whole situation is absolutely classic and one that I recognise - all he is trying to do is deflect attention away from the issue at hand by making you feel guilty for invading his privacy. Think back to when you were a kid and your Dad caught you doing something you weren't supposed to be doing - your automatic reaction was to bring your friend/brother/sister into it as well so that some of the blame was deflected away from you. That's all he's doing. I can assure you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. I now leave my phone lying around and my girlfriend is more than able to check it - previously I kept it on me at all times and security locked, etc.

What I would say from personal experience is that as soon as someone starts down this road, this is a fundamental lack of respect for the other person in the relationship. From the point in my relationship with my ex-wife that I started cheating, I knew I had little or no respect for her after the things that had happened in our relationship prior, it just took us a few years of going round in circles to realise this. As I said, I wouldn't dream of doing it now. What would have helped back then was an open and honest chat (and regularly thereafter) about how we were both feeling, but we kept sweeping it under the carpet thinking it would improve by itself.

I truly wish you success in this and hope you find happiness at the end of it all. Please don't let yourself be a doormat though. If you're willing to accept his behaviour now without any kind of apology or discussion from him, then he will keep doing it because he knows he can get away with it.

thanks for that it helps getting a guys point of veiw it really does. you know you said its the classic aproach to it him being on the defensive. if you where me how would you aproach that/

foxy-roxy

Good to have a mans point of view there ChefBungle, i would still want some remorse from my OH though, if he can't be sympathetic with me about the situation then i wouldn't be sympathetic with him either.

cloverfan

klee........it doesnt feel like it now and it may take a while but whatever you do you will do what is right for you at the moment......and eventually one day you will look back and see whilst it is horrible you will come thru it and learn from it.

dizzybuff

No you are not cvonfused , doing the deed yourself would give you strength and if you couldbt do it , Ill gladly do the posters

dizzybuff

Kicking him out isnt for me to do , klee has to do that ..

She needs to believe in herself and know she is worth more before she can move on ..

I myself am strong , but to be honest Id break if my dh cheated on me ..