really need some advice please

atwitsend_2

Ok, i need some advice regarding my 2 childrens absent father. This is a long one i'm afraid, but please please someone please read and advise me.

Me and my kids dad were together for a year and had my first child, then shortly after he was born we split up, he then came round and sexually assulted/raped me, he was arrested and admitted it on tape, the police gave him bail restrictions against contacting me and entering my village.
Eventually me and him got talking despite the bail restricitons,anyway he used a text message against me in court, one where he had asked me to send him a sexual message, this resulted in the breakdown of the case depsite him admitting rape on tape previously, he was found not guilty but only because of these messages and the fact we were now talking....oh how niave I was back then to do what he said.....
I accepted his apology and that for the best of our child we should put the past behind us and move on....we got back together and two years later my youngest was born and all was fine.
We split up a couple of years ago now and everything was amicable and he was seeing the children every weekend and paying me maintenance directly monthly. We have a 5 year old and a 7 year old who is disabled.
Last October, the absent father got a girlfriend and started not seeing the children reguarly as before, the first i found out about this girlfriend was when my 7 year old announced they had stayed around a womans house overnight...i spoke to my ex and he admitted he did indeed have a girlfriend. I put my concerns across regarding introducing her so soon to the children, and i spoke to her and she advised she wouldnt see the children until we had all discussed it and agreed it was the right time. That lasted until the next weekend of contact when he took them to her house again, despite her promises of them not doing so.
I finally stopped contact after much thought and sought the advice of a solicitor (found out I am not able to obtain legal aid as my tax credits payments for childcare costs count as income and therefore I am over the threshold for Legal Aid) I agreed to pay costs until I could no longer afford to do so.
With the aid of solicitors we agreed new contact, and agreed in letters that he wouldnt sleep the children around her house.They would stay with him at his mum and dads where he lived and where they were used to staying at. This was all ok up until 6 months ago when I found out that he was sleeping them around hers again and he had infact moved in there. My children of different sexes were sharing her bed.
Yet again, through his solicitors I expressed my concerns and they agreed that he would have daytime contact as he was now unable to accomidate the children overnight due to not being able to afford to buy any sleeping things for the children to stay there. But then he refused to give me the address of where the children would be going on contact days, something I was not happy about, obviously if there was any emergency I would need to know.
It was at this point that I could no longer afford to keep my solicitor and had to start reprsenting myself to his solicitor. His solicitor sent me forms for parental responsibility for my eldest. I refused based on many grounds, including the fact he hadnt paid me any maintenance and would refuse any calls from the children between his every other weekend contact with them. I do not see him as being a responsible parent and wonder why he wants to obtain this order. He informed me he would take me to court for PR.

This is where he now decided to stop his solicitior representing him. His solicitors informed me that he would contact me himself regarding any matters. He didnt. With no address for him, I informed his solicitors who passed on my letter to him.
He text me to ask to see the children, I informed him that I needed to know where the children would be, he still refused to give me the address, there was much abuse from him and his partner towards me, especially when he found out I was expecting another baby. anyway I suggested he take them out for the day somewhere else, as long as I was informed where.
He picked them up, took them somewhere different to where we had agreed. That evening my youngest came back and said that daddy had said I was 'an unreasonable cow', and was being 'awkward !!!!!' not letting him take them around the girlfriends, I text him and asked what was going on, he admitted he did say those things, but only because they were the truth.. I then said that until he could refrain from saying derogatory things about me to the children that I wouldnt be allowing contact, he said he would 'see me in court' and that one day the children would find out for themselves that I'm a bad mother and that I had lied about him raping me all those years ago :rolleyes:
So that was the last bit of contact he had, nearly 5 months ago, he hasnt rang or text to speak to the children, he hasnt made an attempt to contact me or see them. On both of the childrens birthdays he sent a friend round with a present. The CSA are chasing him for maintenace which is due to be backdated since Febuary 09, they are going through the process of doing an attachment of earnings.
Today, he suddenly turned up at my childrens school and asked to see my youngest, of course the school refused, he then told the school he wanted copies of her reports and to attend parents evenings seperatly from me, they told him that they would seek my permission, He told them that I was refusing him access :rolleyes: to which I told them he was AWOL as I have no contact details for him myself, he has changed his mobile number and I still don't know his address and that he hadnt contacted me. The school are happy with that and have told him that they have advised him to contact me himself....but still nothing.
So what advice does anyone have? He hasnt seen the children or attempted to in the last 4-5 months, he wont contact me, but turns up at the school, they have said that he may take this further as he has PR over this child, and the school are currently seeking advice from our council regarding this btu are happy at the moment with my decision that he needs to be more involved with the children before gaining this information.
Can I stop the school giving out information on my youngest who he has PR over? I cant afford any more solicitors bills. I dont know what to do, I am 5 months pregnant and the stress of what he will do next is getting to me

atwitsend_2

anyone please?

leanneq

Sorry i may have missed the point but why can't they stay at the girlfriends?

atwitsend_2

because he has no where for them to sleep, he says he cant afford bedding for them, and because he refuses to give me the address, which makes me so nervous about it as I have a disabled child who is on controlled medication

PrincessPlaty

The way i read it was that she didnt have an address of where the children would be and that they were being made to share a bed at the ages of 5 and 7 being of opposite sex and one of the children has a disibility surely that would be inappropriate

OP i cant offer any advice but i do hope you can get something sorted out.

miamoo

Well I am by no means an expert, but through past experience I would say that you need to try and sort out an amicable arrangement for the kids sake.
I am not really sure why they can't stay at the girlfriends house? If your pregnant I am assuming you have moved on and met someone new, so the kids will of met your partner?
Maybe agree to let them stay over at the girlfriends place, and see how it goes, at least you will know where they are.
Hope you can work something out x

Sorry cross posts, Just edited to add, my 2 had to bed share at there dads at that age, and a bit older, now one sleeps on the sofa.

atwitsend_2

miamoo wrote: »

Well I am by no means an expert, but through past experience I would say that you need to try and sort out an amicable arrangement for the kids sake.
I am not really sure why they can't stay at the girlfriends house? If your pregnant I am assuming you have moved on and met someone new, so the kids will of met your partner?
Maybe agree to let them stay over at the girlfriends place, and see how it goes, at least you will know where they are.
Hope you can work something out x

because he has no where for them to sleep, he says he cant afford bedding for them, and because he refuses to give me the address, which makes me so nervous about it as I have a disabled child who is on controlled medication
but not just that, he doesnt actually want them, he hasnt made any attempt to contact me

leanneq

Sorry but it sounds like initially you were being difficult. Now he has had enough and is being difficult back.
The most important thing is the kids have their relationship with their Dad. Can you go through his parents? You need to contact him and somehow make an agreement for him to have them, including overnight. As someone said, you have obviously moved on too so you have to accept that he has too.

leanneq

And also, in my opinion, i don't see a problem with a 5 and 7 year old sharing a bed.

miamoo

Well personally if it was just the bedding issue, I would send them with some, I know you shouldnt really have to, but not telling you the adress is wrong, and I wouldnt allow that.

PrincessPlaty

leanneq wrote: »

And also, in my opinion, i don't see a problem with a 5 and 7 year old sharing a bed.

Thanked you by mistake.

The OP stated that one of the children has a disability now she hasnt said what that disability is but its quite possible that for medical reasons the child needs his/her own space and it therefore would be innapropriate for them to be sharing a bed?