Help me, with my Nephew

burnsguitarman

I think the idea of him being on drugs, has been greatly exaggerated down the posts, the fact is; that whilst he was in 15/16 he started smoking cannabis, with his mates,which certainly didn't help him. I don't for 1 minute condone this,but this smoking continued throughout college, At this time his friends were being financially supported by their parents, they all had the promise of tuition fees paid and help through uni, he on the other hand had none of this, so became more isolated from his peers and seemed to give up on his education, hence not turning up for his exams!
He had a number of part time bar jobs, before getting a full time job, this was when he took out the loan.
Very soon after this he was officially made redundant (he would have been sacked anyway) for always being late.
This was when he gave up the flat and the debt began to get out of control.

He no longer smokes anything, and is desperate to get away from where he is living.

It is probably hitting him harder now as all his college friends are now returning home from university with their degrees, and high hopes, and he has nothing.

mountainofdebt

OP - I can certainly see that you face a dilemia here as to what to do for the best.

You're probably right about having him over for a few nights, just to see how it works out and as you said, in reality, your first loyalties lie with your son - when roughly is he due back home.....would the gap be sufficient to give your nephew some sort breathing space? Even if your son didn't come back to stay with you, if your nephew at least thought there was a deadline then it would probably focus his mind a little more than if the invite was open ended.

The other thing that you may like to suggest to him (especially as it sounds as if he has the brains to do it!) is a degree with the OU. If he is on as low an income as you say he is then he would get financial help to do the courses. Not only could he work then (to pay off his debts) but he could study as well whilst meeting new people.

burnsguitarman

I will certainly mention the OU to him, that could be a good idea!

My son will be away until at least next April, apart from over Christmas, and very very very hopefully my signicant birthday early next year, (I think that's very wishful thinking on my behalf, I think 2 flights home so close together are out of the question really!) He also may choose to stay out there longer.

TBH If my son were at home now I think my decision would be easier, and I would definately have my nephew here, They get on quite well, and would be company for one another!

I think we need to see what happens with this job before I make any long term decisions.

mountainofdebt

Definitely mention the OU to him - even if you don't let him stay, it sounds as if he needs a focus in life and doing an OU degree will certainly give him that. Not that I'm selling the OU or anything,lol, but the OU's image of being for crusty oldies is well and truely passed (in fact a number of celebrities have actually studied and got OU degrees.

The OU may also be able to help with the cost of a computer if his course needed one.

Gavin83

smartpicture wrote: »

I really can't agree with this. Blaming everything on his mum, or suggesting he cut her out of his life, will not help him in the long-run.

Fair enough, it appears we have quite differing views on this. I really don't see having a second family and treating your first child as second best as acceptable at all. If I was in his position I'd have no desire to speak to my mum again, but I understand that people may view this differently. I don't really see what help staying in contact with his mum will provide to be honest.

I agree that he should take the blame for his debt and the work issues, it is his after all but I really don't think his mum has helped him out.

I don't really see cannabis use as an issue, but it probably didn't help the situation.

Savvy_Sue

In a quick scan, I haven't seen anyone mention supported youth housing or similar.

Is there a Foyer near you? Or a housing association which helps support young people? That would normally be under 25s, so a really good time for him.

Spirit_2

My sympathies are with you and this young man.

1) Can you help him to explore bankruptcy (see the board on here)? Its just that if he has '000s of debt now he is going to be burdened for a long time and does not have the resources to recover his life chances.

2)Rather than him moving in,could he have a regular 'sleep over' with you, just so that he can experience a routine of being in an environment where he is cared for. He could bring his washing (you show him how to use the machine if needed) have dinner with you (help prepare,clear up). Over the months it may give help to build his resilience.




Two of my nephews died together earlier this year. Lovely young men. What would'nt I give for just one more day.

busiscoming2

Having read all the posts I feel Icannot really add anything. I would just say that my heart would say take him in, but realistically you have to be fully aware it may not be a good thing in the long run, especially if this job doesn't pan out and yet again he feels rejected.
A very hard decision. I wish you well.

Blackpool_Saver

burnsguitarman wrote: »

I really appreciate all you advice and views, it helps to see things from different sides. I must add that my parents have always helped and supported him as much as possible, I think him knowing that he has always been loved and cared for by us, has probably helped him from giving up all together.

I think I'm going to invite him to stay maybe a couple of nights, and maybe at weekends when we aren't away.

I have had him here for a few weeks, a couple of times before, and he's really no trouble.

there is your answer.