Help me, with my Nephew

Oldernotwiser

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Perhaps instead of making a financial contribution to the home, perhaps he could contribute in kind?
.

Why couldn't he make a financial contribution to the home with £75 coming in? JSA is intended to pay for someone's living expenses, not as pocket money.

Oldernotwiser

burnsguitarman wrote: »

He dosen't see Uni as an option now as he would have to resit his A levels. But it is something we keep bringing up.

I

University entry requirements are far more flexible when you're over 21 and many people would do a 1 year Access course rather than A levels. If he could get a part time job he would get £30 ALG on top if studying full time and would also be eligible for help with his rent.

Don't let him give up on this as an option as it would solve so many problems at once.

mountainofdebt

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Why couldn't he make a financial contribution to the home with £75 coming in? JSA is intended to pay for someone's living expenses, not as pocket money.

I think if I was the OP then I would rather he paid off his debt and helped me around the house.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Is having him stay over really going to be much practical help to him???

Isn't the point of him asking to move in because he can't afford to live alone and is unhappy in his current shared house?? Having him stay is very nice but doesn't really solve the problem. Can't you see your way clear to having him live with you even if for a limited period with a contribution to his expenses???

burnsguitarman

If he moves in with us, I would expect a 'token' amount to contribute towards his keep, We are not in a financial position ourselves, to totally support him.

Yes, we have a nice home, and all mod cons, but it is only possible because we are careful!

Our expenses will no doubt increase with him here. I also have to consider my Son, who although he is an adult, will still need somewhere to live when he returns from working abroad, (hopefully next year) he will not be in a position to buy, and I don't know if he will be able to rent, as he will not have been on the electoral role for more than 2 yrs? I know many of you will be thinking, he is old enough to look after himself, but I feel it is my place to help him whatever age he is. (As would my Mum & Dad with us if they could.)

My thoughts behind asking him to stay over a couple of nights, are mainly to give him a break, a nice clean warm house and food, free internet etc, and also so that he dosen't 'give up' the room he has at the moment, that way we can see how it goes? If the job turns out to be permanent then maybe we could then reassess the position.

I am considering contacting his Mother to see if and what help she may offer if I take him in!
Ideally, she would pay off all his debts, to get people off his back and the debt increasing, (with a view to it being repaid as and when he can afford it!) That way any money he has coming in, could be used to support himself, and give him a bit more self esteem. Even though he has £75 a week at the moment, he certainly has no pocket money!

Oldernotwiser

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I think if I was the OP then I would rather he paid off his debt and helped me around the house.

In my book you pay for your living expenses before paying your debts, otherwise it's the person who's keeping you who's really paying.

JSA isn't given to you for debt repayment but to enable you to keep yourself.

Pssst

Havent read it all.

You can help and support him to live INDEPENDANTLY if you like but;;

Dont let him move into your home unless you want to live a life of hell

Dont take responsibility for his life or his debts

Gavin83

What a shame that the attitude of his mother and stepdad has basically ruined his life, pushed him into drugs and put him into debt. Frankly, I think he's better off without his mum, if I was in his position I'd be cutting her out of my life.

I think it's a nice gesture to offer him a place at your home for a while, it would certainly help him out. Once he has a little more experience he needs to find himself a better job and then look for his own place to stay and start paying off his debts. It's your decision at the end of the day though. If you don't want him around then don't, he isn't your responsibility. If you'd appreciate the company and really don't mind helping him out then I would suggest doing so, Im sure he'd be extremely thankful for it.

You might just gain yourself another son!

burnsguitarman

TBH, I wouldn't really want him to help around the house, other than minor things and his own room. Stupidly, (Don't Shout) I've never expected my own son to help, and I wouldn't treat him any different!

I've always looked upon him as my second son anyway. (He was born when we were undergoing fertility treatment for a baby which unfortunately never happened) so in a way he became my surrogate, until his Mother met her OH.

Then we stood back and these are the consequences.

Don't get me wrong I'm sure his Mother loves him, and she has given him chances, but has imposed such hard and totally unreasonable conditions to these chances that they have always been doomed to fail before they've even started. If she'd only take a long hard look at what shes doing but she prefers her grand house with the v v expensive car in the garage, exotic foriegn holidays and 2 perfect daughters, and her geek of a OH and all the financial security he provides!!

It's a pity, because he hasn't really had a family life with his sisters. The youngest one adores him, The eldest has picked up on the atmostphere between him and her Daddy, and goes out of her way to make it worse.

smartpicture

Gavin83 wrote: »

What a shame that the attitude of his mother and stepdad has basically ruined his life, pushed him into drugs and put him into debt. Frankly, I think he's better off without his mum, if I was in his position I'd be cutting her out of my life.

I really can't agree with this. Blaming everything on his mum, or suggesting he cut her out of his life, will not help him in the long-run.

We know nothing about the mum's side of things, but even from the admitted facts he must have made life difficult for all the family. His mum didn't 'ruin his life' - maybe she let him down, but he chose to start taking drugs, he chose to borrow money with no means of paying it back, he chose to not attend college & waste his opportunities for a different life, his own actions led to him being sacked. He may have had a hard life, and I do have sympathy for him & the OP, but nothing will change until he is encouraged to take responsibility for his own life.

I was asked to leave home at 17 when my mum had another baby and moved to the other side of the country. Instead of going to Uni as I'd planned, I got a room lodging with an old lady and took 2 jobs to pay the bills. I worked hard and made something of myself, including doing a degree as a mature student, and have had a successful life. I didn't sit around blaming my mum, taking drugs, spending money I didn't have & bewailing the fact that she'd ruined my life, because I was the one in charge of whether my life was 'ruined' or not.

I do feel sympathy for the predicament the nephew has got himself into, and the OP's anxieties about it. All credit to him if he is genuinely now trying to turn that around, and I applaud the OP for trying to support him in that. I'm just saying that her role is to help him to solve his problems, not remove the problems altogether, or expect her sister to do so. If she takes this route, there's a danger that she will end up being taken advantage of and being disappoined by someone who hasn't learned any lessons from the experience.