Help me, with my Nephew

burnsguitarman

Hi, before I start I am female despite my name!
I am in a dilema, to be honest it has been going on for years. I have a nephew of 21 who is currently on a job trial (new v small company can't afford to pay more) earning a mere £25 over JSA, he has to buy a bus pass out of this. Now since his mother (my sister) met and married her husband 15 yrs ago, he has been made unwelcome in his home, made worse since his 2 sisters came along.
Understandably he has been resentful of this, and has caused trouble in the past, nothing criminal!
However since he was 17/18 it was made clear that he could no longer remain at home, he was practically a stranger anyway. He has never got on with his step father, and his mum always stood by her husband even when he was being totally unreasonable. (not coming in after 10.30 even at 18 and at weekends) The door would be locked!! not flushing the loo at night, in case he woke the girls!! and plenty other examples. He started smoking canabis and was forced to leave.(he left college after not turning up for A levels.) They made it clear he would have to support himself at uni so he gave up. Given her due, my sister helped to aquire a flat and partly furnish it, but only on her terms.
Anyway at the time he had a job on a construction site, but managed to get sacked, after taking out a bank loan, which of course he couldn't repay, on top of this he had utilities and rent etc. He gave up the flat and moved in with a mate? to save money, as his mum wouldn't let him return home, and wouldn't help him with the debts (she can afford it easily) obviouly things have escalated, and despite having been given small chances by his mum (which have been totally impossible to adhere to)......
Roll on to present, his debts have now spiralled to 000's he has creditors chasing him, he has no chance of ever clearing them without help, he is still living in the dirty smelly home of his friend, and is desperately unhappy there. His mum dosen't want to know, and it is causing friction between the rest of the family.
He has asked my son if he thinks I would have him to live here with us. this is the dilema.
Since my son went to work abroad there is just me and OH, we only have 1 bathroom, and have started to get used to it being just us, also my OH has brought my son up as his own child for the last 25 yrs, and he has no children of his own, so although he says it's my decision, I think it would be unfair to expect him to both tolerate and partly financially subsidise my nephew, when his own Mother and stepfather live their "happy lives".
I must add that his parents are quite wealthy and could easily afford to help him. My nephew is also very clever, and bitterly regrets his past now he really seems to have turned a corner.
Sorry if it's so long and goobledegook, but I'm trying to think as I write!
Do you think I should let him move in, or maybe confront my sister and hubby as I tempted to!
Any help or ideas welcome.
I really want to help him

mountainofdebt

I know if it were me then I would be helping my nephew, especially as it sounds for the last 15 years he has been made to feel like outsider by his own mum.

However there would have to be some (realistic) conditions attached to this - perhaps your nephew could stay at yours for an agreeed period (say a year,which isn't long in the scheme of things, and you could always extend this so long as you felt you weren't being used and it was warranted), he was open and honest with you about his financial situation.

Perhaps instead of making a financial contribution to the home, perhaps he could contribute in kind?

If his own mum can see the state he's in, and still won't do anything about it, then I can't see how confronting her will change her attitude towards him.

smartpicture

To be honest, I'm sympathising with his mother here. I appreciate that it's difficult when a second family starts, and he may have felt (and have been) pushed out, so that was hard for him, and having a stepfather as a teenage boy is never easy. But if he was taking cannabis, not attending college but expecting to be funded at Uni, getting the sack from his job, getting into excessive debt, and generally making life unhappy for the rest of the family then I don't think she's behaving unreasonably. As for expecting her to bail him out of his debt situation or have him back home, I'm sorry, but he's 21, he's an adult, and should be dealing with this sort of thing himself, so I don't think that is the solution.

I understand you want to help him, but the help should be in the form of helping him to sort out his problems and stand on his own two feet as an adult. The first step could be to get him to register on her and discuss his financial situation on the debt-free board, where they will give him good advice on how to deal with this on a practical level. If you're talking to your sister about it, it should be as a mediator to help them re-build their relationship rather than telling her how's she done everything wrong. The best way to do this is for your nephew to show by actions, not words, that he regrets his actions and has turned his life around. What is he doing about looking for a job? Has he stopped taking cannabis? Could he hold a civil conversation with his mother where he acknowledges his own responsibility for his part in their relationship breakdown?

Apart from being unfair on you & your husband, I don't think him moving in is really helping him, because it's putting him back on a 'child' footing, with you there to sort out his problems. We all make mistakes, and if he had difficult teenage years then it's perfectly understandable that he took the wrong path, but it's time he started behaving like a responsible, independent adult now. You can help & advise him along that path, but you can't do it for him, and nor can his mum.

mountainofdebt

But if the nephew stayed at the OP's (no pressure,lol) and could prove to his mum that he's not worth giving up on (which seems to have been the case here) then she may come around to the idea of helping him.

It does sound from the initial post that all the boy needs is some practical support to get himself straight - and from what the OP has said it does sound as if he is trying to turn his life around.

Are there any other relatives he could stay with?

I always remember Alvin Hall saying that his mum let his brother stay with her when he was down on his luck and told him from the very beginning it was for 6 months only - and after 6 months, he came home to find his stuff all packed ready for him to leave,lol!

burnsguitarman

I totally agree with both replies, but the only reason he went 'off the rails' in the first place, is because of how he was being treated, my sister is playing the all sweet and innocent, perfect child, which she certainly was NOT. In the past she made mistakes, and the family picked her up and supported her until she was grown up enough. Something she will not do for her own son.
She had only just left school when her son was born, and continued to make mistakes for years after this.
After she married, she admitted standing by whilst her husband treated him unreasonably and expected him to conform to a completely different way of life. Her husband had a very different upbringing to us, (very sheltered quiet life, no contact with children and plenty money) ours was complete opposite!
To be honest she knows she did it wrong.
If she could have helped him when he first started getting into debt this wouldn't have spiralled. (the family helped her on many occasions even when money was very tight).
He is no longer smoking at all, but is still living where everyone else is! He is working, as I said for a pittance, but this may not last and at the moment jobs are hard to come by for anyone.
He can have long conversations with his mum, and they get on quite well if it's only him and her, trouble is she's so wrapped up in her girls that she fails to notice him.

Her OH will not allow him in the house on his own.

mountainofdebt

Having re-read your post, I think it must have taken a great deal of nerves for your nephew to even broach the subject with your son (btw what does he think?).

If your sister knows she did it wrong, and they have some sort of relationship, could your sister not help financially if you did decide to put your nephew up?

burnsguitarman

mountainofdebt wrote: »

But if the nephew stayed at the OP's (no pressure,lol) and could prove to his mum that he's not worth giving up on (which seems to have been the case here) then she may come around to the idea of helping him.

It does sound from the initial post that all the boy needs is some practical support to get himself straight - and from what the OP has said it does sound as if he is trying to turn his life around.

Are there any other relatives he could stay with?

I always remember Alvin Hall saying that his mum let his brother stay with her when he was down on his luck and told him from the very beginning it was for 6 months only - and after 6 months, he came home to find his stuff all packed ready for him to leave,lol!

I have discussed this with my other sister, her OH works away and she has 3 teenagers of her own and works full time, so it would be a bit much really.(although she has not dismissed it)
I have always been around for my nephew, and looked after him lots when he was younger, at that time my other sister was away at uni then lived in a different part of the country, before moving back here, so they aren't as close. He is very close to my son, but he lives abroad, only coming home for holidays.

burnsguitarman

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Having re-read your post, I think it must have taken a great deal of nerves for your nephew to even broach the subject with your son (btw what does he think?).

If your sister knows she did it wrong, and they have some sort of relationship, could your sister not help financially if you did decide to put your nephew up?

It seems she won't help him at all, but to be honest I haven't spoken to her properly since last year. Maybe that's something I should ask.

My son, understands my reluctance to have him here, but I think he would like me to.

mountainofdebt

I can understand why you are reluctant, especially as its just now you and your OH - our son was away for most of August & September and it seemed really odd now that he's back,lol!

Why don't you find out what help he could get if things didn't work out with him staying at your place.....by that I mean could he get some sort of financial assistance (could he get any help if he paid you 'rent'?) to set up a place of his own? what's the relationship like between you OH and your nephew.

Has he talked to your son why he wants to come to yours? Does he see it as the first step to getting back on track (ie away from drugs) or does he see it as the next best thing to going back home?

It really is a tough one isn't it?

RAS

So this young man has been made to feel unwanted since he was a child of 6 years old?

And by the sounds of it you have been one source of solace over the years.

I am not going to advise on whether to have him living with you full-time but as a member of DFW, I would strongly suggest thtat you have him over for a day or two and introduce him to DFW. There is a good chance we can help him with some of his debt problems.

The bummer is that at the age of 21 the Government expects young people to be financially dependent on their family, which is why the minimum wage is lower.

With respect to University, did anyone tell your nephew that if he wholly supported himself for three years, or got a letter confirming his estrangment from his parents, he could be counted as an independant student and would get more financial support?

One option might be to have him to stay for a couple of days every so often, see how he shapes up and go from there?

burnsguitarman

I understand that he would not be entitled to any help re rent, if he is staying with a family member, and other than that it seems you need to be 25yrs before you can be entitled to any WTC.

Another thing to consider if he moves in here, would be his creditors (I think there is only 1 mainly) I wouldn't want my address associated with the debt!

My OH and nephew get on ok although my OH is not a man of many words! he leaves any decision making and problem solving entirely to me which is a major issue at times! He is very quiet and easy going and just 'goes with the flow'. (Not at all like me, with my firey temper)

I think it's probably a mixture of both reasons why he would like to stay with us. I think he realise's returning home with his stepfather isn't going to work and I think he also realises that he isn't going to be able to get a place of his own without a regular full time job and a decent credit rating!

I really can see that he has turned a corner and is trying hard to get things sorted although he seems to be ignoring the debt because of his other problems.

He dosen't see Uni as an option now as he would have to resit his A levels. But it is something we keep bringing up.

I just hope this job turns out ok, because he's really enthusiastic, but he's a bit of a dreamer, and is trusting his employer to come good after the 5 week trial ( he has even offered to work for nothing until they can afford to pay him)