His work

January20

nm123 wrote: »

Again, it's not about the money - it's more about the effort. What's wrong with working hard and earning a good living?

Conversely, what is right about being lazy and not earning enough to get you to where you want to go?

But that's it isn't it? it's doing what you have to in order to get where you want to so... are you sure he wants to get to where you want to get to? or is he just going along with what you are saying?

nm123_2

January20 wrote: »

are you sure he wants to get to where you want to get to? or is he just going along with what you are saying?

Yes, I am sure. He just expects it to "happen". He's like this with lots of things - doesn't really understand that from get from A to B you've got to do some leg-work, he just thinks that one day you'll wake up at B!

My brother is like this too. Is it a male thing?

bunny999

nm123 wrote: »

Again, it's not about the money - it's more about the effort. What's wrong with working hard and earning a good living?

Conversely, what is right about being lazy and not earning enough to get you to where you want to go?

Is he lazy if he is getting up at 5am to go to work ? Maybe where you want to go is not where he wants to go ? Maybe you should have a relationship with someone who wants the same things as you ?

swiss69

Trying to change someone hardly ever works. He will resent you for it at some point.

I think in this case its you who needs to compromise. So I think you should either;

1. Accept him and all that comes with him (Which by the sounds of it many women would be thrilled with)

2. End the relationship and find someone as driven as you.

I dont believe in this soul mate stuff. There are plenty of people out there and maybe someone more suited is out there for you.

Savvy_Sue

nm123 wrote: »

but if he didn't have work for a few days he just waited for a phone call for the next lot. It also meant that we couldn't plan to go out at weekends "in case" something at work cropped up.

Is this not why God gave us mobile phones?

It seems you're making some progress, but have you pointed out that if he had a fuller diary, then he could turn down some of the antisocial hours stuff ...

nm123_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Is this not why God gave us mobile phones?

It seems you're making some progress, but have you pointed out that if he had a fuller diary, then he could turn down some of the antisocial hours stuff ...

Re the calls - it could be 10pm the night before work the following day, so it's not so much taking the the calls, it's hanging about waiting for the work.

And yes - that was the theme of this weekend - ie, you didn't have to work from 5am - 7pm on a Sunday if you'd had work the past week and work coming up.

nm123_2

swiss69 wrote: »

Trying to change someone hardly ever works. He will resent you for it at some point.

I think in this case its you who needs to compromise. So I think you should either;

1. Accept him and all that comes with him (Which by the sounds of it many women would be thrilled with)

2. End the relationship and find someone as driven as you.

I dont believe in this soul mate stuff. There are plenty of people out there and maybe someone more suited is out there for you.

Thanks... This is definitely what we've been discussing over the weekend - do our future ambitions, dreams, goals etc line up. And they do.

We've done a lot of talking this weekend and OH's response was "I need to man up and take control of my work more". I also pointed out that he has to feel like this because he wants to, not because he thinks it's something I want to hear.

Chinkle

I can understand your partner's work schedule/income is playing havoc with your life and it makes you feel insecure too. But are you sure he's happy being self-employed? He may enjoy being a carpenter but being self-employed means being a sales-person too. If he lacks confidence about his skills then he's going to feel self-conscious about going out and "selling himself".

Maybe it would be better to go back to a job (if he can get one) so he has regular hours and salary even if he's not earning anymore - at least then you can plan ahead more effectively. And if you're the main breadwinner, then when it comes to having children maybe you can discuss him being the stay-at-home dad.

I don't think it's the lack of money but the lack of stability that is at the root of the current problem.

Gavin83

nm123 wrote: »

Sorry Tom, I missed this yesterday. Thanks for your comment.

We've had a serious talk now and I think he is now realising how naff I feel and that I'm serious when I say I won't keep going like this.

He's working tomorrow which is great, but off the back of that it means that we're staying in tonight (friends have just called saying they're having a gathering, and whilst I could go on my own, OH was out last night and all day today and he'll be working 5am - 9pm tomorrow, so I just won't see him at all this weekend if I go, so my choice not to, but still...), he wants an early night as he's leaving at 5am, I can't have the car tomorrow (originally he was going to get the train, but there's engineering work so he now can't) and do what I wanted to plus I get to hang out on my own (ok, so I will walk about town and will go see friends/family, but not really the point)... I'm not really whinging about this as such, more just reiterating how his work does affect me - and if he'd worked all week and had work lined up for all of next week, he could justifiably turn down a 5am Sunday start.

We'll get there, I'm sure... Just a bit fed up with it all at the mo.

I can't help but feel he can't win. You complain when he hasn't got work, and now your complaining he has got work and you can't go out. Unfortunately tradesmen do have unusual hours, and being a partner of a tradesman you have to accept that. I get the feeling you'd rather be having a relationship with someone who has a 9-5 office job similar to yourself.

Personally I feel that if someone is able to pay their way (which he is) then there isn't a problem. Your current joint income is more than enough for a mortgage and several holidays a year, the vast majority live on far less. If you choose to have a baby and leave work his wage won't be enough to support the both of you, but thats something you'll have to deal with. I don't see why he couldn't be a stay at home dad if he was willing to, the mother doesn't have to be the one to stay at home.

Does he actually want the same things as you from the future? You clearly seem very driven to have your own property and start a family as soon as possible, is he as keen? It seems likely he's happy with the current situation and doesn't really want it to change.

Pee

My boyfriend is self-employed and is tending to work a lot at the moment with one guy he gets on brilliantly with - a very nice, trustworthy guy, but completely disorganised. This is the sort of problem he has had, not knowing from one day to the next when he will be working, and unfortunately, there just isn't much else out there for him.

I do make sure that he remembers about any leads which he has had and chases them up but beyond that, I think he works really hard, desevres a few days off and I know he would be working if he could. I hate him working away or working weekends and so it's very rare that he does this, but sometimes it comes up and has to happen. I have a pretty much 9 to 5 job, but sometimes there is something important that keeps me late or at a weekend.

If he is going to be working away a lot and you want to stick with him, I think you need to find other interests so that when he's away, you have plenty to do and don't resent him for being away working. Otherwise you agree he won't work weekends, but this might mean you contributing a lot more to household income.

Is there anything he could do in his days off, such as start up a business doing something with wood? This was an idea we had when my boyfriend's work was at it's most sporadic.