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His work
nm123_2
Posts: 251 Forumite
I just need a bit of a rant and a cry, feeling rubbish about something... I'm 29, the boyf is 30, we've been together for 7 years, marriage and kids on the cards...yada yada....
His works is totally irregular and sproradic - a normal week is 8am-6pm Monday to Friday, but he may sometimes work away or at weekends. He is a self-employed carpenter. The guy he gets most of his work through is totally disorganised and it can sometimes be 10pm at night before OH knows whether he'll have work the following day.
Last week he worked away and had to work through the nights (with time for rest during the day) and came home on Friday. This week he's had nothing and has been at home all week. The only work he's got coming up is Sunday and Monday - nothing booked in for Tuesday onwards. This is just an example, it's been like this all year.
If it was the case that he simply couldn't get enough work to fill a week, I wouldn't mind.... But I don't think he's doing enough to get work. He's not pro-active enough about finding anything else. I asked him what he was going to do for work on Tuesday onwards and he just shrugs - it's like he can't see past a couple of days and doesn't realise that he should really be busting a gut to get something lined up for the rest of the week/month/year...
All week we've been rowing about it and I've told him I need to end things if it doesn't change. I love him, but I don't want his sporadic work situation to affect our lives anymore.
Financially we're ok... we've got savings and we're not in debt. But we're saving for a house deposit at the mo and him doing an average of 2 or 3 days weeks over the whole year is fine while we're saving because our rent would be lower than a mortgage, but it really worries me that if/when we do get a mortgage, his inconsistent income will be a real problem. With me being the main bread-winner (I earn almost double what he does - £40k vs circa £22k), things like having a family seem a distant dream at the moment because there's no way he could support us, a baby and a house on his current level of income if I was to go on maternity leave.
My parents (and his) have always had money problems, and I don't want to live like that. My salary is ok, and his could be similar to mine if he just pulled his finger out.
I feel like the wicked witch nagging him about work, and I am a big advocate of the "if you can't change a situation, you can change the way you feel about it" motto, but this is my life too. So I feel horrid saying that I'll leave him, but his work impacts on me too. Our plans for weekends or holidays this year have all gone to pot "in case" work comes up. Summer should've been his busiest time - he averaged a 3 day work week - I know this is partly due to the credit crunch, but if he didn't have work for a few days he just waited for a phone call for the next lot. It also meant that we couldn't plan to go out at weekends "in case" something at work cropped up.
This is what's really frustrating - it's not that we're destitute and I know there are people far worse off than us, and at the moment, we get by ok on what we earn, but the uncertainty of free-time and the irregular income is driving me mad. Money isn't the be all and end all, I'm not like that, but I think out of pride we should be working as hard as we can when we can to ensure we have the choices we both dream of.
He says things will change, but then days like this when he's been !!!!ing around at home don't give me any confidence. I was out of work for 3 months a while back and I spent all day every day on the phone to agencies and HR departments until something came up. It drove me mad, but at least at the end of a very boring day I knew I'd done all I possibly could to try. Surely it's a pride thing too?
Maybe we've just got different work ethics, and to an extent, that's fine... But when I'm sat here crying because I'm worried about how we'll ever get a house, or go on holiday, or have a baby, it just seems unfair that he could be more doing more, but is too lazy/apathetic to bother. I really don't want my relationship to end over work, but if he wants to carry on scrabbling around for 2 days here and there, I think he might have to do it on his own. It's not how I see my future.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? This is tearing me up...
PS. Just re-read and edited as I don't mean to come across as a spoilt brat, more that I know the old "you get out as much as you put in rule" is definitely applicable here and it's so frustrating that he perhaps doesn't see it the same way.
His works is totally irregular and sproradic - a normal week is 8am-6pm Monday to Friday, but he may sometimes work away or at weekends. He is a self-employed carpenter. The guy he gets most of his work through is totally disorganised and it can sometimes be 10pm at night before OH knows whether he'll have work the following day.
Last week he worked away and had to work through the nights (with time for rest during the day) and came home on Friday. This week he's had nothing and has been at home all week. The only work he's got coming up is Sunday and Monday - nothing booked in for Tuesday onwards. This is just an example, it's been like this all year.
If it was the case that he simply couldn't get enough work to fill a week, I wouldn't mind.... But I don't think he's doing enough to get work. He's not pro-active enough about finding anything else. I asked him what he was going to do for work on Tuesday onwards and he just shrugs - it's like he can't see past a couple of days and doesn't realise that he should really be busting a gut to get something lined up for the rest of the week/month/year...
All week we've been rowing about it and I've told him I need to end things if it doesn't change. I love him, but I don't want his sporadic work situation to affect our lives anymore.
Financially we're ok... we've got savings and we're not in debt. But we're saving for a house deposit at the mo and him doing an average of 2 or 3 days weeks over the whole year is fine while we're saving because our rent would be lower than a mortgage, but it really worries me that if/when we do get a mortgage, his inconsistent income will be a real problem. With me being the main bread-winner (I earn almost double what he does - £40k vs circa £22k), things like having a family seem a distant dream at the moment because there's no way he could support us, a baby and a house on his current level of income if I was to go on maternity leave.
My parents (and his) have always had money problems, and I don't want to live like that. My salary is ok, and his could be similar to mine if he just pulled his finger out.
I feel like the wicked witch nagging him about work, and I am a big advocate of the "if you can't change a situation, you can change the way you feel about it" motto, but this is my life too. So I feel horrid saying that I'll leave him, but his work impacts on me too. Our plans for weekends or holidays this year have all gone to pot "in case" work comes up. Summer should've been his busiest time - he averaged a 3 day work week - I know this is partly due to the credit crunch, but if he didn't have work for a few days he just waited for a phone call for the next lot. It also meant that we couldn't plan to go out at weekends "in case" something at work cropped up.
This is what's really frustrating - it's not that we're destitute and I know there are people far worse off than us, and at the moment, we get by ok on what we earn, but the uncertainty of free-time and the irregular income is driving me mad. Money isn't the be all and end all, I'm not like that, but I think out of pride we should be working as hard as we can when we can to ensure we have the choices we both dream of.
He says things will change, but then days like this when he's been !!!!ing around at home don't give me any confidence. I was out of work for 3 months a while back and I spent all day every day on the phone to agencies and HR departments until something came up. It drove me mad, but at least at the end of a very boring day I knew I'd done all I possibly could to try. Surely it's a pride thing too?
Maybe we've just got different work ethics, and to an extent, that's fine... But when I'm sat here crying because I'm worried about how we'll ever get a house, or go on holiday, or have a baby, it just seems unfair that he could be more doing more, but is too lazy/apathetic to bother. I really don't want my relationship to end over work, but if he wants to carry on scrabbling around for 2 days here and there, I think he might have to do it on his own. It's not how I see my future.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? This is tearing me up...
PS. Just re-read and edited as I don't mean to come across as a spoilt brat, more that I know the old "you get out as much as you put in rule" is definitely applicable here and it's so frustrating that he perhaps doesn't see it the same way.
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Comments
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Is this a recent thing or has he always effectively worked part time?
Speaking as someone who also works for myself, things are tough right now - I sympathise with your situation, but if the work isn't out there, he can't make it appear from thin air
Are you sure that there is work out there to chase? I would imagine his trade has been hit pretty hard by the recession?
£22k isn't actually a bad salary, but could he earn more doing something else? Is there anything else he'd be interested in doing for a living?
Could he give up work if you want to have a child as your income is much higher? I earn a lot more than my partner and have accepted that if I want to be a SAHM we will have to tighten our belts a lot.0 -
not_tonight_josephine wrote: »Is this a recent thing or has he always effectively worked part time?
Speaking as someone who also works for myself, things are tough right now - I sympathise with your situation, but if the work isn't out there, he can't make it appear from thin air Are you sure that there is work out there to chase? I would imagine his trade has been hit pretty hard by the recession?
£22k isn't actually a bad salary, but could he earn more doing something else? Is there anything else he'd be interested in doing for a living?
Could he give up work if you want to have a child as your income is much higher? I earn a lot more than my partner and have accepted that if I want to be a SAHM we will have to tighten our belts a lot.
I think it's more a confidence thing to be honest... He used to work full time for a company, but wanted to change to a different type of carpentry and now is freelance... He's so good at what he does and has great experience, but still sees himself as the junior or apprentice and I think that's the safe bet - he's also !!!!!!-scared of failure.
And I do appreciate that things are tough at the mo, but I don't feel like he's really really trying and that's the part that frustrates me... Personally, I'd need to know I'd given it all I'd got before admitting defeat.
We both expect that I'll be a working mum, but I'd like to have my year's maternity and perhaps cut down to 4 day weeks or something. As a potential mummy, I want to be the one to stay home - at least initially. We live in an expensive area in the South-East, so our salaries don't go far in terms of mortgages so we'd probably need two incomes, and it would be nice to be in a position where we're comfortable, rather than just ok.
Also, he's said that he doesn't want to always be relying on someone else for a supply of work. So I know he wants to be more in control of his work, it's just the actions don't reflect the words and I'm scared that unless he starts making the foundations now for a decent future, he'll miss the boat and never be in a decent position.0 -
You have my sympathies OP. I've been in a similar position with OH due to agency working, weeks would go by where he wouldn't so much as call the recruitment agency-I just didn't understand why not, although very much like you we are comfortable financially with no kids so I do think this enabled him to slack off. He is now in a secure position but I know the same scenario is likely to crop up again sometime...
For me it is/was about respect not money-I work hard and expect my partner to do the same unless there's a damn good reason why not. I don't know if this is the same for you but OH lack of work (although he is a hard worker when he does it which made me feel guilty for nagging) started to cause embarrasment when reletives ansd friends would ask if he was in work-I felt like I was being judged as a bit of a mug and would turn this in on myself questioning if I actually was. The holiday thing was also a problem-if I booked a day off you could guarantee he would get work for that week so as a result I never bothered discussing it.
I don't have any answers, even though my OH is good at his job and works hard when he has one I have had to accept that he is simply not driven to work and this mindset was with him looong before I came on the scene. I do know that when I started to ask for the housekeeping in a very matter of fact way or for half towards something and didn't offer my usual 'just give it me when you have it..'..he started to wise up to the fact that if he didn't pull his weight he would be out and got work not long after. Maybe you need to get tough?"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself" -Oscar Wilde0 -
You have my sympathies OP. I've been in a similar position with OH due to agency working, weeks would go by where he wouldn't so much as call the recruitment agency-I just didn't understand why not, although very much like you we are comfortable financially with no kids so I do think this enabled him to slack off. He is now in a secure position but I know the same scenario is likely to crop up again sometime...
For me it is/was about respect not money-I work hard and expect my partner to do the same unless there's a damn good reason why not. I don't know if this is the same for you but OH lack of work (although he is a hard worker when he does it which made me feel guilty for nagging) started to cause embarrasment when reletives ansd friends would ask if he was in work-I felt like I was being judged as a bit of a mug and would turn this in on myself questioning if I actually was. The holiday thing was also a problem-if I booked a day off you could guarantee he would get work for that week so as a result I never bothered discussing it.
I don't have any answers, even though my OH is good at his job and works hard when he has one I have had to accept that he is simply not driven to work and this mindset was with him looong before I came on the scene. I do know that when I started to ask for the housekeeping in a very matter of fact way or for half towards something and didn't offer my usual 'just give it me when you have it..'..he started to wise up to the fact that if he didn't pull his weight he would be out and got work not long after. Maybe you need to get tough?
This sounds just like us!! Thank you. I was half expecting to get a tirrade of "you selfish cowbag/leave him alone/spoilt brat", so it's nice to know I'm not being entirely unreasonable. I agree in that I would love to have a job where I did 3 days a week and parents asking about his work does get a bit tiresome.
OH very much takes the head-in-sand approach to to things, so I've tried everything from gently explaining that his big idea of a lovely 3 bed-semi ain't gonna happen to crying and asking if he really doesn't care about how this affects me?
So I don't really know what other tact to take? I think this week has been a really bad week though, and I think I've made it clear how I feel. We also split things 50/50 financially as my travel and student loan makes our net take home similar (when he's doing 5 day weeks!!). It's like banging my head on the wall, which is why I said I'll leave if things don't change - as far as I can see, the ball is in his court, so he won't make a change - I will.
But I love him and don't want to leave him really. But also don't want to keep rowing about his work 0 -
So stop rowing about his work. Life is tough in the building trade and will be for some considerable time to come and he's exceptionally lucky he is getting a few days work.
If you're so keen for him to get work, why not do what other partners of self employed blokes do and do something to help him get jobs. Ring round his contacts, do some cold calling etc ?.................
....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)0 -
So stop rowing about his work. Life is tough in the building trade and will be for some considerable time to come and he's exceptionally lucky he is getting a few days work.
If you're so keen for him to get work, why not do what other partners of self employed blokes do and do something to help him get jobs. Ring round his contacts, do some cold calling etc ?
I know the building trade has taken a hit, but he's not (in my opinion) doing enough to line work up, pencil it in, keep in touch with contacts, pester people, join construction recruitment agencies, go and help my dad do his kitchen, go and help other tradesmen friends for £40 cash in hand for a day's labouring, spend all day ringing every relevant company in the yellow pages. No - he faffs around on his decks all sodding day.
And I have helped him... I've designed business cards, I do his invoicing and tax returns! I've spent my working day on the internet looking for companies that specialise in the work he does to get their phone numbers, I've printed off directions and googlemaps for new work places... Whilst I actually quite enjoy doing all that, I think there comes a time when he has to drive his own work... And I don't think he's get much respect from within the trade if his girlfriend is ringing up for work for him - plus I've got my own full-time job to worry about - surely he could be doing this with his several days off each week?!0 -
no answers for you, but just to say I have an OH just like this too. Works hard when it is put in front of him but is totally unproactive in making that happen. Yup, I've cried too in front of him in utter dispair, as well as always talked kindly, gently and at approriate moments about this.
Nothing makes any difference and I don't get it either. I don't want a life without him, and I know he feels the same about me, but it is so so sad that our lives could be a little more fulfilling with just a few simple actions. As it is, everything is pared back to the bone and it's me that works hard budgetting and cost cutting to make ends meet. I don't like not having a contingency fund either. I don't think my OH will change, and I imagine your won't either. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once0 -
So stop rowing about his work. Life is tough in the building trade and will be for some considerable time to come and he's exceptionally lucky he is getting a few days work.
If you're so keen for him to get work, why not do what other partners of self employed blokes do and do something to help him get jobs. Ring round his contacts, do some cold calling etc ?
Really? The full-time employed partners of lazy self-employed men do this, do they?
What a load of rubbish. The OP is entirely justified in wanting her OH to pull his weight. She isn't his receptionist so why should she be coming home after a full days work and then doing his job on top of her own? He's probably been sat around the house all day playing Xbox, so that hardly seems fair.
Yes, it's tough for any self employed businessman at the moment, which is precisely why he should be ringing round and doing everything he can to secure work rather than relying on someone else to do it for him.0 -
Brighton_belle wrote: »no answers for you, but just to say I have an OH just like this too. Works hard when it is put in front of him but is totally unproactive in making that happen. Yup, I've cried too in front of him in utter dispair, as well as always talked kindly, gently and at approriate moments about this.
Nothing makes any difference and I don't get it either. I don't want a life without him, and I know he feels the same about me, but it is so so sad that our lives could be a little more fulfilling with just a few simple actions. As it is, everything is pared back to the bone and it's me that works hard budgetting and cost cutting to make ends meet. I don't like not having a contingency fund either. I don't think my OH will change, and I imagine your won't either.
Thank you BB. You sound like me too! It really is reassuring to know that there are other people in this situation and it's not just me being a nagging control-freak :rolleyes:.
What will be will be, I suppose... Part of me resents it being "my problem" though.0 -
So stop rowing about his work. Life is tough in the building trade and will be for some considerable time to come and he's exceptionally lucky he is getting a few days work.
If you're so keen for him to get work, why not do what other partners of self employed blokes do and do something to help him get jobs. Ring round his contacts, do some cold calling etc ?
No she shouldn't. It's his business and she does enough of her own work.
I'm self-employed and there's no way I'd burden my full-time working husband with the responsibility of finding work for me if I was sitting around for most of the week.
It's MY business and I'm responsible for getting off my !!!! and getting the work in.
So is OPs other half."carpe that diem"0
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