His work

nm123_2

Tom1234 wrote: »

Really? The full-time employed partners of lazy self-employed men do this, do they?

What a load of rubbish. The OP is entirely justified in wanting her OH to pull his weight. She isn't his receptionist so why should she be coming home after a full days work and then doing his job on top of her own? He's probably been sat around the house all day playing Xbox, so that hardly seems fair.

Yes, it's tough for any self employed businessman at the moment, which is precisely why he should be ringing round and doing everything he can to secure work rather than relying on someone else to do it for him.

Sorry Tom, I missed this yesterday. Thanks for your comment.

We've had a serious talk now and I think he is now realising how naff I feel and that I'm serious when I say I won't keep going like this.

He's working tomorrow which is great, but off the back of that it means that we're staying in tonight (friends have just called saying they're having a gathering, and whilst I could go on my own, OH was out last night and all day today and he'll be working 5am - 9pm tomorrow, so I just won't see him at all this weekend if I go, so my choice not to, but still...), he wants an early night as he's leaving at 5am, I can't have the car tomorrow (originally he was going to get the train, but there's engineering work so he now can't) and do what I wanted to plus I get to hang out on my own (ok, so I will walk about town and will go see friends/family, but not really the point)... I'm not really whinging about this as such, more just reiterating how his work does affect me - and if he'd worked all week and had work lined up for all of next week, he could justifiably turn down a 5am Sunday start.

We'll get there, I'm sure... Just a bit fed up with it all at the mo.

Caseyface

I completely sympathise and understand what you're going through.

We are in a similar position and are a similar age to you. My partner finished work not aug just gone the one before and i think he expected to walk into another job. He's a joiner by trade but didn't want to work in this area anymore. A few months down the line and still no job and it was starting to really get to me that i was working all day every day and i was also searching for potential jobs here there and everywhere for him and improving his c.v etc etc. It wasn't till april this year that he admitted defeat and signed on.....i know it is also about pride and he had never not worked in his life but it was and is taking it's toll on us financially and emotionally and he just couldn't understand where i was coming from.

We are still looking to find a job for him and had no luck, but i also believe he's not doing quite enough to search for work, so i really felt your pain when i read your post!

lynzpower

I would suggest though that you might be taking it too far OP.

Maybe we've just got different work ethics, and to an extent, that's fine... But when I'm sat here crying because I'm worried about how we'll ever get a house, or go on holiday, or have a baby, it just seems unfair that he could be more doing more, but is too lazy/apathetic to bother.

You shouldnt be crying you catn afford a holiday- you clearly can if you have a income of 62k between you- we earn less than that and we make sure we have holidays- hugely important for relationships to get out of the daily grind.

This seems a little unreasonable, and if I were him Id be thinking thats an extra stick to beat him with.

I agree he could be more proactive, but then maybe he wants the rest as he might be working nights again at the drop of a hat.

I would also suggst that 40k is a bit better than "ok" salary, its a good salary and a lot better than average.

nm123_2

lynzpower wrote: »

I would suggest though that you might be taking it too far OP.



You shouldnt be crying you catn afford a holiday- you clearly can if you have a income of 62k between you- we earn less than that and we make sure we have holidays- hugely important for relationships to get out of the daily grind.

This seems a little unreasonable, and if I were him Id be thinking thats an extra stick to beat him with.

I agree he could be more proactive, but then maybe he wants the rest as he might be working nights again at the drop of a hat.

I would also suggst that 40k is a bit better than "ok" salary, its a good salary and a lot better than average.

It's all relative (as in if we lived in a cheaper area and I was on £20k and he was on £12k when he could be earning £20k, I'd be having the same rant), and it's not just about the money...

I get what you're saying and I know our joint income looks pretty good... However, I've still got student loans to pay off, our rent is fairly high and we're also trying to save for a deposit on a house. So, whilst I might sound spoilt, it's frustrating knowing that our joint income could be £80k! We live in an expensive area and need to consider £250k for a decent 3 bed semi, and with only one year of self-employed accounts so far, OH's net profit of £12k is not going to get us a mortgage, nor will be able to afford one if his earnings don't pick up. But we could be in a position to if he pulled his finger out a bit more.

Additionally, I've worked my ar5e off to get a good job, and I know that he is very good at his job (and to give him credit has worked hard when the work has been there), so why shouldn't we be earning good money?

We can, and have afforded holidays this year, this isn't about being skint... It's about working to your full potential, rather than being lazy and not pro-active about seeking work.

I just think if the earning potential is there, why not go for it, especially when he seems to have the same ambitions/dreams as me? It's like he doesn't get the need to plan for the future and get himself in a good financial position now so that we don't have to worry in the future....

Penny-Pincher!!

You sound very frustrated as I would do in the exact situation.

If I am reading your post correctly, you are upset that he isnt putting enough effort into looking for work? When you are freelance, keeping on top of contacts, contacting potential customers and lining up the next job is very important and is necessary to structure your time and business.

It does sound a little one sided to me. If you are seriously considering having children the issues you have stated need to be addressed as it cant be one sided.

If he is only working a couple of days a week and earning just over 20k pa then he has potential to double that if he is willing to put the effort in. I know the work market is slow atm but carpenter and tradesmen work are available especially in the south-east. Ha she looked on gumtree or advertised his services on there? A chippie where I am in the SE demand £150-£250 a day SE.

HTH

PP
xx

whitewing

My DH is lovely too, and hardworking, and knows what he wants to do, but doesn't quite always seem to make it happen in my kind of timeframes! He also can't bear to be nagged, and I can't bear to keep reminding him, or having to remember myself.

We have a noticeboard on the wall. I write down very specific tasks (eg ring so-and-so) or post letters etc with him, so he knows what mean. He then does the tasks (for the day or week) in his own time and crosses them off. I can see progress without asking, and therefore can ease off. I have no need to actually check that he has done the task; if he says he has, then he has. It also makes it easier for me to recognise that some things (eg photocopying) take longer than I allow!

If he does anything else in the day, he writes it up and crosses through it. (This literally means anything as I have a habit of forgetting that the washing doesn't jump out of the machine and put itself on the line). This means he gets genuine thanks for necessary things, and he recognises for himself where he is just doing something to avoid doing something else.

We bought a dishwasher over the summer when we all realised that we loathed washing up, but also hated the dirty washing up hanging around on the side.

I do sometimes get frustrated that he can't see the bigger picture like I can, and he gets annoyed that I can't live for today, but this method helps us compromise.

We're not perfect and I can't say we do this 52 weeks of the year, but we do it when things seem to be slipping (maybe 40 weeks of the year).

Barneysmom

Have you put the 80k figure in your head, that's what you want your household income to be and you won't be happy till it does?
My hubby is on IB, he's epileptic, I earn about 20k.....we have amortgage and all the other bills to pay the same as everyone else.
Life's not straightforward and yes it is frustrating to see him at home, but while he is at home, the house should be his job, the cleaning, maintenance and cooking.
It's not all about money.
I'd be rubbish at phoning for jobs and contacting people, where someone like you would be really good at it.
I'm just wondering, I hope you don't mind me saying, is it what you really want?

Money_maker

I really cant understand your post. You earn 40k and are cheesed off because you feel if he tried harder he could earn the same.

Many families live on half that amount - they may not be financially sound but they are happy.

How about looking on the OS board for money saving ideas? Looks like he's already saving you money by having nights in!

If you let him go, I reckon the ladies will be queueing up for him if this is his only fault.

aliasojo

I dont think the actual income figures are the issue, it's all just down to not having the same feelings about your gameplan for life. I suspect you are fairly intense about your goals and how you'll get there, and your OH is just more laid back about it all.

Relationships are one huge compromise most of the time, you just need to find one that you both can live with.

I wonder if you are becoming too focused on what you still need/want to get that you are in danger of not seeing what you already have now? I can understand why you think your OH could do more, just be careful how you go about trying to get him to feel the same. Most people dont like to feel as if they're being bullied into things. What's that old saying about catching more flies with honey than vinegar? Or something.

Any

Money_maker wrote: »

I really cant understand your post. You earn 40k and are cheesed off because you feel if he tried harder he could earn the same.

Many families live on half that amount - they may not be financially sound but they are happy.

How about looking on the OS board for money saving ideas? Looks like he's already saving you money by having nights in!

If you let him go, I reckon the ladies will be queueing up for him if this is his only fault.

Why everyone keeps going on about the current earnings? It's all very relative - if the OP ever wants a baby and she gives out work for while, how are they suddenly going to afford to pay mortgage for example from THIRD of they current income???????

I completely gets how she feels - we had similar problem. We earn £70 k between us, but thanks to my OHs outlook on money and loads of credit card debts from his past and "there will always be time to pay them off, I will enjoy myself now and think about that later", if I had a baby and gave up work I couldn't even afford to go for haircut.

I am sorry to say this OP, but you have to decide what your future is going to be and whether you have the same goals. And ask him the same.

If he decides that the future is with you (my OH did), that will be good. He might need some help from you and hopefully is not affraid to ask for your support (some men are not naturally "go getters"), but if you provide him with that it can make your relationship even stronger.

If he decides that he is not willing to do anything for your future togeter, then you know it's time to ditch him.